Nope Not Pregnant
Just Fat because I had a little surgery!!!
So, post surgery I am on my way out of the house…almost two weeks so I am only defying the doctor’s orders by one day. Cabin fever is a bitch! I venture out to the pool, by myself!! Yes by myself. I feel a bit like a moose since the surgery was in the tummy area so I am swollen and not at all comfy in a bathing suit. I had a couple of errands to run first so I threw on my cover up, jumped in the truck and knocked them out first. WELL enter the sad, unlucky bastard that thought he could help me from the mailbox to the car. Gentlemanly thing to do, but he began this act of chivalry with the question of…” How far along are you?” Poor guy, he had to pick the biggest bitch on the face of the earth to try and help! Seriously though, I thought people had evolved a bit more than to ask a woman this question. I mean damn, some of us are just plain fat! When we see a man limping or walking slowly we don’t ask him if his balls are aching or if he is suffering from having a small penis??!! Or if he is chaffed from the sand and salt water in the ocean! We just figure it is his business.
I will give him the benefit of the doubt because I AM walking slowly, slumped over and holding my belly. Breathing is hard so I am sure I look like someone who could possibly be knocked up. Still knowing this is the worst thing that a woman can be asked, other than…”God what is wrong with you, are you on the rag or something???” I had to let the Linda Blair in my come out! I looked at him and said, “First of all, thank you but I do not need your help, second of all, you must be a special kind of stupid or are just a glutton for punishment because you simply DO NOT ask a woman if she is pregnant UNLESS you see a damn baby's head crowning! Got it! And lastly, I am NOT pregnant!"
I left him standing there looking like (and probably feeling like) he had just been bitch slapped. I hobbled to the truck, struggled to get in, slammed the gearshift down into drive and considered reenacting a scene from Stephen Kings book/movie Christine, but I just did not have the energy. I felt bad for a second (only a second) because he WAS just trying to be nice…but then I remembered what my doctor told me. “We only took your uterus, so that means you will still be a bitch you will just no longer have a period.” So go forth and continue to offend, pillage and plunder!
In my opinion, the brotha must have had it coming. He is a man so I am sure under his breath he called me a bitch but moved on because he knows that when it comes to a woman... a man just can’t win for losing.
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