Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Today is the day I have chosen to pay bills.  I guess I should have learned by now to do this after my third drink of some substance a bit stronger than coffee.  Preferably something for which you get carded or have to go to AA about.

I noticed a bill that was sent to me in the form of a credit.  Don't worry, I asked myself the same question, "If it is a credit then is it really a bill and why am I getting this?"  Apparently I have paid to much and they want to let me know but do not want to send me my money...they just want to mail me correspondence telling me that I don't owe them.  Did they think I wouldn't notice?  Did they think I would not want MY money?  Really, in this busted ass economy how many people overpay their doctor bills (my dumb ass fault but will explain that in a minute) and then just say screw it I don't need the money and never call to claim it?  

Ok, so I got the bill, thought I had already paid it, called about it but the billing office was closed.  Knowing that I am busy and may miss the bill for a few days to weeks AND knowing that a doctor will send you to the credit bureau for a late payment before you even have your children strapped into their car seats after your appointment, I went ahead and paid it.  Also figuring I would get a check back if my account showed a credit.  Aren't most billing programs and systems set up to kick those things back to someone?  Seems to me that it would have made more monetary sense to just mail me a check and be done with it.  Instead they wasted the paper and the postage only to have to turn around and do it again when I ask for a check.  Whatever, here is the conversation I had today with a billing clerk.  Might I also mention that I was caller number 39 in the cue so.. I had the opportunity to run/walk for 3 miles through my neighborhood WHILE ON HOLD before I made it to caller numero uno!!!!  

Clerk: Thank you for holding, how can I help you?
Me:  I need to get a check mailed to me for an over payment on my daughters account please.
Clerk:  Ok, what is the name on the account.
Me:  My daughter's name is the name on the account. 
Clerk:  Ok.  Can I have that please?    so I give her my daughters name.
Clerk:  Mam I need YOUR name.
Me: Ok but you said..um....never mind...   so I give her my name.
Then I sit for a minute while she looks for me in the system...think she will find me?  NO   Ready?  Here it comes....

Clerk:  Mam I am sorry I am not finding you in our system.
Me:  I know, my daughter is the patient.
Clerk: But I need your name for look up.  sooooo  I gave it to her again
Clerk: I am not finding your name.
Me:  And you won't because it has been 30 years since I have personally seen a pediatrician.  I told you in the beginning of the call that my daughter's name is on the account.  You asked for my name for "look up purposes" or I don't know...because I am her MOTHER so I gave it to you.
****uncomfortable pause****
Clerk:  What is your daughter's name.
so I give it to her AGAIN
BIG SIGH from the mommy!

Clerk: Mam I am going to need to speak with her.
Me: Who, my daughter?
Clerk: Yes mam.
Me:  Well that is not going to happen, she is FIVE
Clerk:  I can't talk to you about an account that is in someone Else's name.
Me:  I told you in the beginning that IT WAS IN MY DAUGHTER'S NAME.  Why didn't you stop me then? Is  this fun for you???
Clerk:  Mam I cannot talk to you about a bill that is in someone Else's name.
Me:  Well good because this isn't a bill, you actually owe me. I WANT A CHECK FOR THE CREDIT ON MY DAUGHTER'S ACCOUNT...please
Clerk: OH its a credit, hold on let me change screens.  
Me:  ......ooooook????
Clerk: What is your name again mam.
SO I GIVE IT TO HER AGAIN....by now even I would have written it down! But whatever...
Clerk:  I am sorry I can't find you in our system.
Me:  Are you serious????
Clerk: Yes
Me:  Oh my god am I in some parallel universe or being punked??? you all are recording these calls for quality assurance right?  Well this is one for the books!  I am going to hold on for a minute while you go back and listen to this call and then come back and admit that you don't know what you are doing!!!  I want a credit for overpaying on my daughters account!!!
Clerk:  Mam I will need to speak to your daughter.
Me:  Well....when I pick her up from KINDERGARTEN today... I will see if she can speak with you..but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were YOU.  Can I please speak with yo
Clerk: OH She a minor!?!?  tsk..You didn't tell me that!
Me:  Yes I did I just used the word daughter instead of minor not thinking I would trip you up! Are you not a pediatricians office?
Clerk:  Tsk..Yes mam we are
Me: Then I can't be the first person who has called about their CHILD and don't pediatricians usually see minors?  Do you know many minors that pay their own bills and call Doctor offices and ask for credits on bills they have overpaid????
Clerk:  No mam, can you please give me your daughter's name again and I will get this taken care of?
Me: NO, Give me your supervisor please, you cannot help me because you are an idiot who should not be answering the phone!!! 

Supervisor must have been listening somehow....because when she came to the phone...she magically knew my( and my daughter the minors) name!!!!  Is overnighting me a check too, can you imagine that?

Yes this really happened to ME...so don't ask.  

over paying a bill= $84.37  
Having a daughter that is a minor= REALLY expensive! Got a son that is a minor too.
Getting a customer service agent that is a dill weed who works for a doctor I don't like anyway= cost me more time than money.
Driving my kids back to our home town to see our doctor's from now on= The opportunity cost of avoiding all the crap listed above!