Wednesday, December 19, 2012





Not your typical post.  Those are likely to continue when my heart heals.

For now, I found some solace in this but only after many tears.

I feel the pain
but can only imagine the sorrow
in knowing for 20 1st grade moms
there will be no tomorrow.

No more good night kisses
no more drinking in their smell
no more "can't I stay up later mommy?"
"Don't you have one more story you can tell?"

One place at the table
that will never be filled
by a sleepy eyed child
who was senselessly killed.

A future snuffed out
like a candles bright glow
no more birthdays or laughter
no more years to grow.

The pain weighs hard
in the center of my chest
yet I am so far removed
a bystander at best.

Still I am connected
by the bond of a mother
it is a blessing that compares
with simply none other.

You can't understand
until you have your own
how they change life forever
the moment you bring them home.

We are charged to protect them
and we do at all cost
then with the blink of an eye
a precious angel is lost.

So senseless and evil
I cannot comprehend
What made this person
bring these lives to an end.

I imagine their parents
pacing and wringing their hands
distraught over losses
of their babies, their plans.

A tree full of presents
never to be received
no visit from Santa
for a child who believed.

Brothers and sisters who miss them
and wonder WHY?
It is Christmas but Mommy and Daddy
can only cry.

Are there messes of toys
they didn't have time to clean up?
a half eaten breakfast
milk standing in a cup?

I think of my normal
and then start to cry
their normal forever changed
with the last kiss goodbye.

I run to my children
and squeeze them while they sleep
as I stare at their faces
pain, fear and guilt begin to creep.

Creep into my mind
until I start to sob
I am so frightened I can literally
feel my heart throb.

I can't lose these babies
please don't take mine away
I promise I will change
I will do it today.

I will be the best mother 
I promise, you will see
just please don't take 
my sweet children from me.

I drop to my knees
with my thoughts running wild
I pray to my Lord
and give thanks for this child.

Thank you God it is them
Thank you God it is not me
Thank you for sparing my babies
from this horrible tragedy.

But now comes the guilt
because what I see instead
are sweet peaceful darlings
sound asleep in their bed.

My heart breaks again
and down flow the tears
for the lives that were lost
after only a few precious years.

I can't understand 
God I need your assistance
How could you let this happen
with such passive resistance?

Please help me make sense
How is this your plan?
I beg you for a message
God as soon as you can.

Then in the quiet of the night
through the empathy and fear
A message comes through to me
loud and clear.

It says we must stop
all the violence and hate
and love one another 
before it is to late.

It says united we stand
but divided we fall
so come to the father through me
Come one and come all!

Stop living your days
as if you have millions more
and on Sunday take time
and walk through my door.

Talk to me, live with me
come daily in prayer
I promise my child
when its darkest I am there.  

Be good to each other
and as a parent just be your best
I know life is hard 
but believe me, I'll handle the rest.

Those children that were lost
from your world are with me
they are not feeling pain
they are peaceful and happy.

When you look at your children
please feel my love
for they are a gift from your heavenly
father above.

See, your children are my angels
gifted from my stash and on loan
your job is to cherish and love them
until I call them home.