Some of my favorite little nuggets to live by are:

1. Know who you are.
2. Swagger is for boys, class is for men.
3. Ladies do not chew gum.
4. Savor it, today they are 5. Blink and they are 25

These three things will be found in the very LONG post below. At this point I have no idea what order they will fall into or if I will even be able to bring my point home but if I worried about that I would not be able to write. That would just take the fun out of it and give all the grammar and edit Nazi’s nothing to bitch about. See below.

The divides that tie us. 

Our house is a house divided. We are divided with regard to sports teams, politics and religious denominations (denominations, NOT beliefs, God is King up in this shizzle). I am sure THAT statement just made most everyone reading this swallow hard because in the south, damn these are some major division (AND it is almost March Madness…OMG… I still don’t understand….Boston College in the ACC..really? Jesse Helms flipped in his grave again but I digress)! I am also sure my southern friends (who don’t already know) are thinking State? Carolina?, just please Lord not Duke! Which one is Baptist? And which one is the Republican??? Probably the same one that is Baptist, duh! We don’t argue about these things because there is no point, we know who we are and we believe what we believe. We also respect each other for these divisions and don’t feel the need to change one another, this a good marriage makes. This doesn’t mean that we are short on heated, meaty discussions but we just know how far to take them ,which is just shy of the couch or guest bedroom. We are NOT, however divided on the really important things like sweet tea, salty, buttery grits, fried chicken in grandmother’s cast iron skillet, thank you notes, everything tastes better with bacon, Dukes mayonnaise only, there is a place for everything and everything has its place, flush and wash, pay all your bills first, chunk some into savings, THEN live on the rest. If you have these as house rules…you can run just about any house in the south smoothly, maybe anywhere else in the world also but that just doesn’t concern a southerner.

The one thing we are divided in that can sometimes cause a storm of tears, screaming, popping of blood vessels or at the very least, dissension in the ranks is a really bad one but it is also one that garners major props. Far WORSE than anything listed above! Our humble abode has two people who are NOT morning people (husband and boy child) and two “others” (girl child and mommy)! I knew from the early stages of dating the man I married that this could very well be the one difference that could break us up if he didn’t climb on board. His mother, god rest her soul was not a morning person either so turns out he already had a well oiled play book. As a matter of fact, no one in my life has ever been able to handle it but this man! GOD I love him!!! The husband and the boy child are morning people tis true and they wake up happy on even 15 minutes of sleep. We often look at them as if they are from another planet. What in the hell can anyone have to be SO happy about at 7am??? The girl child and the mother are just not of that persuasion. We wake up surly and just plain ugly no matter how much sleep we have had. We don’t like ourselves and no one even looks at us in the morning for fear that we bite! The formula for dealing with us is SO simple that it is funny. IGNORE US unless we speak directly to you and if we do, it would behoove you to answer us!!!!! It is simply perplexing to me how only two people in this world have figured it out without bloodshed and they are the 45 year old and the 5 year old that live with us. There have actually been people who have broken themselves against me like twigs by trying to change it. They have suffered greatly for their sins. If left alone it goes away on its own in a couple of hours but if poked at it is either like a sleeping bear or a pit viper, you choose your punishment. I make no excuses for it other than it is what it is and it has been in place for 44 years so deal with it or stay the hell away. I don’t jump into anyone’s shit unless provoked so I make no apologies for it either. I am however, using a bit of a softer approach with my daughter but I am not trying to change her, just help her accept who she is and embrace it without cutting teeth on anyone. Lord Jesus that is a delicate balance. Sometimes she wonders and will ask me why she feels so much different in the morning than she does the rest of the day. Amazed that she is only 5 years old and can verbalize that she feels different and try to understand it I answer her like this. Because my darling girl you are smart, fabulous and so loaded with awesome and you rise to meet the world on your terms. You are busy and you are strong and you will accomplish great things today so it takes you longer to be ready for all that fabulousness (myok but don’t try to hurt anyone because of it. Cut other people a little bit more slack you need people to cut you and always be fair because we all have feelings. Kind of heavy for a kindergartner but she gets it. Sometimes she still has rough mornings and in the true fashion of an anti morning person will occasionally opt to snack on one of us for breakfast but she always apologizes, says I love you and KNOWS we love her too. I just can’t ask for more than that!

Dress for happiness but please JUST GET DRESSED!! 

One of the major things that mom’s battle with in the mornings is dressing the kiddo’s for school. Sometimes I find myself cowering in a corner with a cup of hot, black coffee screeching...dammit will you guys zip your pie holes and just get dressed.  I don't care what you wear just get dressed!!!!  When you are dealing with surly people in the morning it is just plain best to go with a combination of not giving a shit and picking out clothes at night. If you can do this, it can make the morning go much more smoothly and help everyone leave the house with dignity and tears intact. We pick out the clothes for my daughter at night. She and I do this together but it is still a crap shoot as to what she will come downstairs dressed in! More on that later….. My children are very different on their dress styles. My son is the quintessential prep. My daughter believes if it matches I don’t want anything to do with it! The only thing I have to say to my son in the morning with regard to dressing is, “Son go pick out your clothes and get dressed.” He smiles, hugs and kisses me, tells me I am beautiful and goes to get dressed.

and he happens to be my son!

He emerges from his bedroom soaked in little boy charm but worldly husband and father material. My sweet son is so happy and so in love with being alive, he makes me almost want to be a morning person. He is the only person that I am drawn to in the morning. I want to smell him, touch him and be as close to him as possible so that some of his out of this world aura will rub off on me. I am like a moth to a flame with this child. He is the epitome of swagger is for boys and class is for men. He just gets it! He professes that pictures and words do not belong on clothes. He wears only kahki’s, jeans, white t-shirts and polo style shirts. Sear sucker in the summer, stripes, plaids and solid colors only. He lives in flip flops but refuses to go near sandal's. They are not for boys either. I feel this way too but he came up with all this on his own. He knows how he wants to look and he says that he likes to dress like his daddy. He will be far more expensive to dress than his sister. He once received a spider man muscle t-shirt for his birthday.

Why in the name of all things fashion???

He was three years old. Thank the lord we opted that year to open gifts from the birthday party after the guests had gone home. He pulled this t-shirt out of the bag, held it between his fingers like it was on fire. Looked at it, and ran to the trash can with it. Enter the teachable moment. I walked with him to the trash can and got it out. He said, “Mommy I AM NOT wearing that!” I told him I understood but that just because he didn’t want it didn’t mean it had no worth. I explained to him (while starring wide eyed at me) that good will was the place for things that we no longer wanted and that although he did not want it, someone else would love to have it. He found this hard to believe but walked it to the good will bag and brushed his hands back and forth together like he was brushing off dirt. I giggled but knew he was serious. I said a quiet prayer of thanks that I would never have to put my son in a shirt with a dinosaur on it that said ROOOOAAAAARRRR! I also said a silent goodbye to my extra cash because boy clothes are so much more expensive!!! Just to make sure I am not raising a snob…or another highbrow hillbilly, I asked him recently what he thinks about boys who wear the kinds of clothes that he doesn’t like. He responded with, “I don’t care what other people wear, everyone is different and likes different things” “I wear what I like and what looks good on me mommy and that is all that matters right?” I swallowed heavily, pushed back tears answered him with yes buddy you are right and thanked God for giving my son such a solid sweet and moral compass.

The force that is the girl child. 

She has the best of me and the worst of me but she handles with grit and grace. Unlike me, she cares what other people think of her clothing choices but like me, she moves to the beat of the music in her own head and sometimes that music is so loud it drowns out everyone else. She is a force. I usually drop them off at school in my pajamas because the carpool line is forgiving but last night in her sleep she whispered, “Mommy will you walk us in tomorrow?” So this morning, I had to get dressed. I looked at myself in the car and thought DAYUM! Oh well, not much I can do about it now. Just then my son says from the backseat, “Mommy you look beautiful and you smell so good too.” Hell to the yeah, love that child. We pull into a parking place and start walking to the building. Oh yeah, my outfit if you will, Uggs (the really old and smelly ones) leggings, a RED Foo Fighters t-shirt, a hoodie, hair in a pony tail and dark sunglasses! I look like the friggin Unabomber! One mom looks at me like, holly shit, have you had your sprinkle today! Remember that jingle from the 70’s? Shower to shower each day helps keep odor away….have you had your sprinkle today? I look like I smell even though I don’t.

You are welcome for making you sing this tune in your head all day.

 Anyway, this mom always looks fabulous. She is a pharmaceutical sales rep and sports 4 inch heels every day. Little does she know that back in the day I too would sport 4 inch heels but it would have been with this Foo Fighters t-shirt on and NOT at 8:14am…and screw her..cause I like the way I look even though I make fun of myself! We walk on. Inside one of the teachers says, “Great t-shirt!” Hahaha, my point is, some girls do and some girls don’t so by all means fly your own flag! Just as I am kissing my daughter goodbye at her door she notices that I am committing a cardinal sin and calls me on it by whispering in my ear, “Ladies don’t chew gum.” And snarl’s her lip at me. It is early and most bets are off so I respond, “I know sweetie but right now, I am no lady.” She looks up as if to say, fair enough and runs off to command her day. I only tell her that ladies don’t chew gum because, well it is true and because I know her! She doesn’t just do things, she DOES them all them all the way. She is the reason “how to” books are written. Now I know gum comes out of things but hair is another story and if I let her chew gum I would have to shave her bald because she sleeps all over and would sneak gum to bed. So it is easier to tell her that ladies don’t chew gum. Even if she uses it on me in school or in Target on a really redneck woman who is chewing and snapping gum like it is her JOB!

Today when she went to school she matched for some reason, so I am guessing that she was a bit off kilter in such a way that will bite me in the ass when I pick her up. I learned the hard way not to fight her on her clothes by doing things this way. Pick out clothes at night and let her dress any way she wants. Now there are limits to this. Before I figured it out, we would battle in the morning like enemies over clothing and one day it hit me. WHY fight like this and isn’t making her wear what I want her to wear not allowing her to express herself? I don’t want to break that little fabulous spirit or make her not feel her own sense of dignity so I stopped. I think this is a great way to start her on the ability to make her own decisions because right now, this is one of the most important decisions of her day (in her mind) so why NOT let her command it? During the week, she can wear anything she wants. At night and on the weekends I do still dent her spirit just a hair. She must match and wear one out of two of the outfits I choose. This has proven to be a wonderful compromise. I must admit though, even though I pick out the clothes for parties, church etc. She looks so much better in the Uggs, the Christmas tights (in February) the pink and silver tutu and the sweater with the cupcake on it. She flops downstairs, twirls and says, “How do I look?” Rhetorical question of course because she already knows the answer! You know, somehow it works. It looks better on her than any smocked dress or high fashion, expensive catalog item ever could because it is her, totally her. Because she is loaded UP with fabulous and sweet and piss and vinegar and her own little fashion sense and it is as it should be! Everyone is dressed and we are off like a herd of angry turtles.

I look in the rear view mirror while driving and I am so sad to lose these little people for the day. I find myself jealous of their friends and teachers because they get all that awesome for 7 hours. What I see when I look in that rear view mirror is an explosion of color on the left, looking out the window. Penny for her thoughts I think, just as she looks up at me with her long blond hair and her big blueberry eyes and says,” I love you mommy” Then I look to the right at my perfectly matched little man, sitting with one leg crossed over the other like he is reading the Wall Street Journal. He feels my eyes on him so he looks up with his chocolate brown eyes and fluttering eye lashes and says, “I am going to miss you today mommy.” I say, “me too little man but you guys have to conquer the world today so have so much fun doing it”! He asks me what that means. Before I can answer, his sister does. “I don’t know what that word meant but she means we have a lot to do at school today and she wants us to have fun.” They look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Nothing else is said until we get to school.

Walking back to the car after I drop them off I am glad I walked them in instead of dropping them off. The extra 20 minutes it took out of my morning made the next 7 hours of their day. I am soaking in and savoring every moment because they go so fast. One minute they are 5 and you are wishing they were self sustaining so can have your life. Blink and they are 25 and you wish they wanted you around more. I am dreading getting home to the quiet that I have so longed for but I realize that I am so blessed to have it both ways. I can roll my eyes and beg for quiet alone time and still wish it was tempered with the noise and chaos of one morning person and one that is not without being a walking contradiction. I am a mommy and I am 100% in love with my job.

Some of my favorite little nuggets to live by are:

1. Know who you are.
2. Swagger is for boys, class is for men.
3. Ladies do not chew gum.
4. Savor it, today they are 5. Blink and they are 25

These three things will be found in the very LONG post below. At this point I have no idea what order they will fall into or if I will even be able to bring my point home but if I worried about that I would not be able to write. That would just take the fun out of it and give all the grammar and edit Nazi’s nothing to bitch about. See below.

The divides that tie us. 

Our house is a house divided. We are divided with regard to sports teams, politics and religious denominations (denominations, NOT beliefs, God is King up in this shizzle). I am sure THAT statement just made most everyone reading this swallow hard because in the south, damn these are some major division (AND it is almost March Madness…OMG… I still don’t understand….Boston College in the ACC..really? Jesse Helms flipped in his grave again but I digress)! I am also sure my southern friends (who don’t already know) are thinking State? Carolina?, just please Lord not Duke! Which one is Baptist? And which one is the Republican??? Probably the same one that is Baptist, duh! We don’t argue about these things because there is no point, we know who we are and we believe what we believe. We also respect each other for these divisions and don’t feel the need to change one another, this a good marriage makes. This doesn’t mean that we are short on heated, meaty discussions but we just know how far to take them ,which is just shy of the couch or guest bedroom. We are NOT, however divided on the really important things like sweet tea, salty, buttery grits, fried chicken in grandmother’s cast iron skillet, thank you notes, everything tastes better with bacon, Dukes mayonnaise only, there is a place for everything and everything has its place, flush and wash, pay all your bills first, chunk some into savings, THEN live on the rest. If you have these as house rules…you can run just about any house in the south smoothly, maybe anywhere else in the world also but that just doesn’t concern a southerner.

The one thing we are divided in that can sometimes cause a storm of tears, screaming, popping of blood vessels or at the very least, dissension in the ranks is a really bad one but it is also one that garners major props. Far WORSE than anything listed above! Our humble abode has two people who are NOT morning people (husband and boy child) and two “others” (girl child and mommy)! I knew from the early stages of dating the man I married that this could very well be the one difference that could break us up if he didn’t climb on board. His mother, god rest her soul was not a morning person either so turns out he already had a well oiled play book. As a matter of fact, no one in my life has ever been able to handle it but this man! GOD I love him!!! The husband and the boy child are morning people tis true and they wake up happy on even 15 minutes of sleep. We often look at them as if they are from another planet. What in the hell can anyone have to be SO happy about at 7am??? The girl child and the mother are just not of that persuasion. We wake up surly and just plain ugly no matter how much sleep we have had. We don’t like ourselves and no one even looks at us in the morning for fear that we bite! The formula for dealing with us is SO simple that it is funny. IGNORE US unless we speak directly to you and if we do, it would behoove you to answer us!!!!! It is simply perplexing to me how only two people in this world have figured it out without bloodshed and they are the 45 year old and the 5 year old that live with us. There have actually been people who have broken themselves against me like twigs by trying to change it. They have suffered greatly for their sins. If left alone it goes away on its own in a couple of hours but if poked at it is either like a sleeping bear or a pit viper, you choose your punishment. I make no excuses for it other than it is what it is and it has been in place for 44 years so deal with it or stay the hell away. I don’t jump into anyone’s shit unless provoked so I make no apologies for it either. I am however, using a bit of a softer approach with my daughter but I am not trying to change her, just help her accept who she is and embrace it without cutting teeth on anyone. Lord Jesus that is a delicate balance. Sometimes she wonders and will ask me why she feels so much different in the morning than she does the rest of the day. Amazed that she is only 5 years old and can verbalize that she feels different and try to understand it I answer her like this. Because my darling girl you are smart, fabulous and so loaded with awesome and you rise to meet the world on your terms. You are busy and you are strong and you will accomplish great things today so it takes you longer to be ready for all that fabulousness (myok but don’t try to hurt anyone because of it. Cut other people a little bit more slack you need people to cut you and always be fair because we all have feelings. Kind of heavy for a kindergartner but she gets it. Sometimes she still has rough mornings and in the true fashion of an anti morning person will occasionally opt to snack on one of us for breakfast but she always apologizes, says I love you and KNOWS we love her too. I just can’t ask for more than that!

Dress for happiness but please JUST GET DRESSED!! 

One of the major things that mom’s battle with in the mornings is dressing the kiddo’s for school. Sometimes I find myself cowering in a corner with a cup of hot, black coffee screeching...dammit will you guys zip your pie wholes and just get dressed.  I don't care what you wear just get dressed!!!!  When you are dealing with surly people in the morning it is just plain best to go with a combination of not giving a shit and picking out clothes at night. If you can do this, it can make the morning go much more smoothly and help everyone leave the house with dignity and tears intact. We pick out the clothes for my daughter at night. She and I do this together but it is still a crap shoot as to what she will come downstairs dressed in! More on that later….. My children are very different on their dress styles. My son is the quintessential prep. My daughter believes if it matches I don’t want anything to do with it! The only thing I have to say to my son in the morning with regard to dressing is, “Son go pick out your clothes and get dressed.” He smiles, hugs and kisses me, tells me I am beautiful and goes to get dressed.

and he happens to be my son!

He emerges from his bedroom soaked in little boy charm but worldly husband and father material. My sweet son is so happy and so in love with being alive, he makes me almost want to be a morning person. He is the only person that I am drawn to in the morning. I want to smell him, touch him and be as close to him as possible so that some of his out of this world aura will rub off on me. I am like a moth to a flame with this child. He is the epitome of swagger is for boys and class is for men. He just gets it! He professes that pictures and words do not belong on clothes. He wears only kahki’s, jeans, white t-shirts and polo style shirts. Sear sucker in the summer, stripes, plaids and solid colors only. He lives in flip flops but refuses to go near sandal's. They are not for boys either. I feel this way too but he came up with all this on his own. He knows how he wants to look and he says that he likes to dress like his daddy. He will be far more expensive to dress than his sister. He once received a spider man muscle t-shirt for his birthday.

Why in the name of all things fashion???

He was three years old. Thank the lord we opted that year to open gifts from the birthday party after the guests had gone home. He pulled this t-shirt out of the bag, held it between his fingers like it was on fire. Looked at it, and ran to the trash can with it. Enter the teachable moment. I walked with him to the trash can and got it out. He said, “Mommy I AM NOT wearing that!” I told him I understood but that just because he didn’t want it didn’t mean it had no worth. I explained to him (while starring wide eyed at me) that good will was the place for things that we no longer wanted and that although he did not want it, someone else would love to have it. He found this hard to believe but walked it to the good will bag and brushed his hands back and forth together like he was brushing off dirt. I giggled but knew he was serious. I said a quiet prayer of thanks that I would never have to put my son in a shirt with a dinosaur on it that said ROOOOAAAAARRRR! I also said a silent goodbye to my extra cash because boy clothes are so much more expensive!!! Just to make sure I am not raising a snob…or another highbrow hillbilly, I asked him recently what he thinks about boys who wear the kinds of clothes that he doesn’t like. He responded with, “I don’t care what other people wear, everyone is different and likes different things” “I wear what I like and what looks good on me mommy and that is all that matters right?” I swallowed heavily, pushed back tears answered him with yes buddy you are right and thanked God for giving my son such a solid sweet and moral compass.

The force that is the girl child. 

She has the best of me and the worst of me but she handles with grit and grace. Unlike me, she cares what other people think of her clothing choices but like me, she moves to the beat of the music in her own head and sometimes that music is so loud it drowns out everyone else. She is a force. I usually drop them off at school in my pajamas because the carpool line is forgiving but last night in her sleep she whispered, “Mommy will you walk us in tomorrow?” So this morning, I had to get dressed. I looked at myself in the car and thought DAYUM! Oh well, not much I can do about it now. Just then my son says from the backseat, “Mommy you look beautiful and you smell so good too.” Hell to the yeah, love that child. We pull into a parking place and start walking to the building. Oh yeah, my outfit if you will, Uggs (the really old and smelly ones) leggings, a RED Foo Fighters t-shirt, a hoodie, hair in a pony tail and dark sunglasses! I look like the friggin Unabomber! One mom looks at me like, holly shit, have you had your sprinkle today! Remember that jingle from the 70’s? Shower to shower each day helps keep odor away….have you had your sprinkle today? I look like I smell even though I don’t.

You are welcome for making you sing this tune in your head all day.

 Anyway, this mom always looks fabulous. She is a pharmaceutical sales rep and sports 4 inch heels every day. Little does she know that back in the day I too would sport 4 inch heels but it would have been with this Foo Fighters t-shirt on and NOT at 8:14am…and screw her..cause I like the way I look even though I make fun of myself! We walk on. Inside one of the teachers says, “Great t-shirt!” Hahaha, my point is, some girls do and some girls don’t so by all means fly your own flag! Just as I am kissing my daughter goodbye at her door she notices that I am committing a cardinal sin and calls me on it by whispering in my ear, “Ladies don’t chew gum.” And snarl’s her lip at me. It is early and most bets are off so I respond, “I know sweetie but right now, I am no lady.” She looks up as if to say, fair enough and runs off to command her day. I only tell her that ladies don’t chew gum because, well it is true and because I know her! She doesn’t just do things, she DOES them all them all the way. She is the reason “how to” books are written. Now I know gum comes out of things but hair is another story and if I let her chew gum I would have to shave her bald because she sleeps all over and would sneak gum to bed. So it is easier to tell her that ladies don’t chew gum. Even if she uses it on me in school or in Target on a really redneck woman who is chewing and snapping gum like it is her JOB!

Today when she went to school she matched for some reason, so I am guessing that she was a bit off kilter in such a way that will bite me in the ass when I pick her up. I learned the hard way not to fight her on her clothes by doing things this way. Pick out clothes at night and let her dress any way she wants. Now there are limits to this. Before I figured it out, we would battle in the morning like enemies over clothing and one day it hit me. WHY fight like this and isn’t making her wear what I want her to wear not allowing her to express herself? I don’t want to break that little fabulous spirit or make her not feel her own sense of dignity so I stopped. I think this is a great way to start her on the ability to make her own decisions because right now, this is one of the most important decisions of her day (in her mind) so why NOT let her command it? During the week, she can wear anything she wants. At night and on the weekends I do still dent her spirit just a hair. She must match and wear one out of two of the outfits I choose. This has proven to be a wonderful compromise. I must admit though, even though I pick out the clothes for parties, church etc. She looks so much better in the Uggs, the Christmas tights (in February) the pink and silver tutu and the sweater with the cupcake on it. She flops downstairs, twirls and says, “How do I look?” Rhetorical question of course because she already knows the answer! You know, somehow it works. It looks better on her than any smocked dress or high fashion, expensive catalog item ever could because it is her, totally her. Because she is loaded UP with fabulous and sweet and piss and vinegar and her own little fashion sense and it is as it should be! Everyone is dressed and we are off like a herd of angry turtles.

I look in the rear view mirror while driving and I am so sad to lose these little people for the day. I find myself jealous of their friends and teachers because they get all that awesome for 7 hours. What I see when I look in that rear view mirror is an explosion of color on the left, looking out the window. Penny for her thoughts I think, just as she looks up at me with her long blond hair and her big blueberry eyes and says,” I love you mommy” Then I look to the right at my perfectly matched little man, sitting with one leg crossed over the other like he is reading the Wall Street Journal. He feels my eyes on him so he looks up with his chocolate brown eyes and fluttering eye lashes and says, “I am going to miss you today mommy.” I say, “me too little man but you guys have to conquer the world today so have so much fun doing it”! He asks me what that means. Before I can answer, his sister does. “I don’t know what that word meant but she means we have a lot to do at school today and she wants us to have fun.” They look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Nothing else is said until we get to school.

Walking back to the car after I drop them off I am glad I walked them in instead of dropping them off. The extra 20 minutes it took out of my morning made the next 7 hours of their day. I am soaking in and savoring every moment because they go so fast. One minute they are 5 and you are wishing they were self sustaining so can have your life. Blink and they are 25 and you wish they wanted you around more. I am dreading getting home to the quiet that I have so longed for but I realize that I am so blessed to have it both ways. I can roll my eyes and beg for quiet alone time and still wish it was tempered with the noise and chaos of one morning person and one that is not without being a walking contradiction. I am a mommy and I am 100% in love with my job.

Some of my favorite little nuggets to live by are:

1. Know who you are.
2. Swagger is for boys, class is for men.
3. Ladies do not chew gum.
4. Savor it, today they are 5. Blink and they are 25

These three things will be found in the very LONG post below. At this point I have no idea what order they will fall into or if I will even be able to bring my point home but if I worried about that I would not be able to write. That would just take the fun out of it and give all the grammar and edit Nazi’s nothing to bitch about. See below.

The divides that tie us. 

Our house is a house divided. We are divided with regard to sports teams, politics and religious denominations (denominations, NOT beliefs, God is King up in this shizzle). I am sure THAT statement just made most everyone reading this swallow hard because in the south, damn these are some major division (AND it is almost March Madness…OMG… I still don’t understand….Boston College in the ACC..really? Jesse Helms flipped in his grave again but I digress)! I am also sure my southern friends (who don’t already know) are thinking State? Carolina?, just please Lord not Duke! Which one is Baptist? And which one is the Republican??? Probably the same one that is Baptist, duh! We don’t argue about these things because there is no point, we know who we are and we believe what we believe. We also respect each other for these divisions and don’t feel the need to change one another, this a good marriage makes. This doesn’t mean that we are short on heated, meaty discussions but we just know how far to take them ,which is just shy of the couch or guest bedroom. We are NOT, however divided on the really important things like sweet tea, salty, buttery grits, fried chicken in grandmother’s cast iron skillet, thank you notes, everything tastes better with bacon, Dukes mayonnaise only, there is a place for everything and everything has its place, flush and wash, pay all your bills first, chunk some into savings, THEN live on the rest. If you have these as house rules…you can run just about any house in the south smoothly, maybe anywhere else in the world also but that just doesn’t concern a southerner.

The one thing we are divided in that can sometimes cause a storm of tears, screaming, popping of blood vessels or at the very least, dissension in the ranks is a really bad one but it is also one that garners major props. Far WORSE than anything listed above! Our humble abode has two people who are NOT morning people (husband and boy child) and two “others” (girl child and mommy)! I knew from the early stages of dating the man I married that this could very well be the one difference that could break us up if he didn’t climb on board. His mother, god rest her soul was not a morning person either so turns out he already had a well oiled play book. As a matter of fact, no one in my life has ever been able to handle it but this man! GOD I love him!!! The husband and the boy child are morning people tis true and they wake up happy on even 15 minutes of sleep. We often look at them as if they are from another planet. What in the hell can anyone have to be SO happy about at 7am??? The girl child and the mother are just not of that persuasion. We wake up surly and just plain ugly no matter how much sleep we have had. We don’t like ourselves and no one even looks at us in the morning for fear that we bite! The formula for dealing with us is SO simple that it is funny. IGNORE US unless we speak directly to you and if we do, it would behoove you to answer us!!!!! It is simply perplexing to me how only two people in this world have figured it out without bloodshed and they are the 45 year old and the 5 year old that live with us. There have actually been people who have broken themselves against me like twigs by trying to change it. They have suffered greatly for their sins. If left alone it goes away on its own in a couple of hours but if poked at it is either like a sleeping bear or a pit viper, you choose your punishment. I make no excuses for it other than it is what it is and it has been in place for 44 years so deal with it or stay the hell away. I don’t jump into anyone’s shit unless provoked so I make no apologies for it either. I am however, using a bit of a softer approach with my daughter but I am not trying to change her, just help her accept who she is and embrace it without cutting teeth on anyone. Lord Jesus that is a delicate balance. Sometimes she wonders and will ask me why she feels so much different in the morning than she does the rest of the day. Amazed that she is only 5 years old and can verbalize that she feels different and try to understand it I answer her like this. Because my darling girl you are smart, fabulous and so loaded with awesome and you rise to meet the world on your terms. You are busy and you are strong and you will accomplish great things today so it takes you longer to be ready for all that fabulousness (myok but don’t try to hurt anyone because of it. Cut other people a little bit more slack you need people to cut you and always be fair because we all have feelings. Kind of heavy for a kindergartner but she gets it. Sometimes she still has rough mornings and in the true fashion of an anti morning person will occasionally opt to snack on one of us for breakfast but she always apologizes, says I love you and KNOWS we love her too. I just can’t ask for more than that!

Dress for happiness but please JUST GET DRESSED!! 

One of the major things that mom’s battle with in the mornings is dressing the kiddo’s for school. Sometimes I find myself cowering in a corner with a cup of hot, black coffee screeching...dammit will you guys zip your pie wholes and just get dressed.  I don't care what you wear just get dressed!!!!  When you are dealing with surly people in the morning it is just plain best to go with a combination of not giving a shit and picking out clothes at night. If you can do this, it can make the morning go much more smoothly and help everyone leave the house with dignity and tears intact. We pick out the clothes for my daughter at night. She and I do this together but it is still a crap shoot as to what she will come downstairs dressed in! More on that later….. My children are very different on their dress styles. My son is the quintessential prep. My daughter believes if it matches I don’t want anything to do with it! The only thing I have to say to my son in the morning with regard to dressing is, “Son go pick out your clothes and get dressed.” He smiles, hugs and kisses me, tells me I am beautiful and goes to get dressed.

and he happens to be my son!

He emerges from his bedroom soaked in little boy charm but worldly husband and father material. My sweet son is so happy and so in love with being alive, he makes me almost want to be a morning person. He is the only person that I am drawn to in the morning. I want to smell him, touch him and be as close to him as possible so that some of his out of this world aura will rub off on me. I am like a moth to a flame with this child. He is the epitome of swagger is for boys and class is for men. He just gets it! He professes that pictures and words do not belong on clothes. He wears only kahki’s, jeans, white t-shirts and polo style shirts. Sear sucker in the summer, stripes, plaids and solid colors only. He lives in flip flops but refuses to go near sandal's. They are not for boys either. I feel this way too but he came up with all this on his own. He knows how he wants to look and he says that he likes to dress like his daddy. He will be far more expensive to dress than his sister. He once received a spider man muscle t-shirt for his birthday.

Why in the name of all things fashion???

He was three years old. Thank the lord we opted that year to open gifts from the birthday party after the guests had gone home. He pulled this t-shirt out of the bag, held it between his fingers like it was on fire. Looked at it, and ran to the trash can with it. Enter the teachable moment. I walked with him to the trash can and got it out. He said, “Mommy I AM NOT wearing that!” I told him I understood but that just because he didn’t want it didn’t mean it had no worth. I explained to him (while starring wide eyed at me) that good will was the place for things that we no longer wanted and that although he did not want it, someone else would love to have it. He found this hard to believe but walked it to the good will bag and brushed his hands back and forth together like he was brushing off dirt. I giggled but knew he was serious. I said a quiet prayer of thanks that I would never have to put my son in a shirt with a dinosaur on it that said ROOOOAAAAARRRR! I also said a silent goodbye to my extra cash because boy clothes are so much more expensive!!! Just to make sure I am not raising a snob…or another highbrow hillbilly, I asked him recently what he thinks about boys who wear the kinds of clothes that he doesn’t like. He responded with, “I don’t care what other people wear, everyone is different and likes different things” “I wear what I like and what looks good on me mommy and that is all that matters right?” I swallowed heavily, pushed back tears answered him with yes buddy you are right and thanked God for giving my son such a solid sweet and moral compass.

The force that is the girl child. 

She has the best of me and the worst of me but she handles with grit and grace. Unlike me, she cares what other people think of her clothing choices but like me, she moves to the beat of the music in her own head and sometimes that music is so loud it drowns out everyone else. She is a force. I usually drop them off at school in my pajamas because the carpool line is forgiving but last night in her sleep she whispered, “Mommy will you walk us in tomorrow?” So this morning, I had to get dressed. I looked at myself in the car and thought DAYUM! Oh well, not much I can do about it now. Just then my son says from the backseat, “Mommy you look beautiful and you smell so good too.” Hell to the yeah, love that child. We pull into a parking place and start walking to the building. Oh yeah, my outfit if you will, Uggs (the really old and smelly ones) leggings, a RED Foo Fighters t-shirt, a hoodie, hair in a pony tail and dark sunglasses! I look like the friggin Unabomber! One mom looks at me like, holly shit, have you had your sprinkle today! Remember that jingle from the 70’s? Shower to shower each day helps keep odor away….have you had your sprinkle today? I look like I smell even though I don’t.

You are welcome for making you sing this tune in your head all day.

 Anyway, this mom always looks fabulous. She is a pharmaceutical sales rep and sports 4 inch heels every day. Little does she know that back in the day I too would sport 4 inch heels but it would have been with this Foo Fighters t-shirt on and NOT at 8:14am…and screw her..cause I like the way I look even though I make fun of myself! We walk on. Inside one of the teachers says, “Great t-shirt!” Hahaha, my point is, some girls do and some girls don’t so by all means fly your own flag! Just as I am kissing my daughter goodbye at her door she notices that I am committing a cardinal sin and calls me on it by whispering in my ear, “Ladies don’t chew gum.” And snarl’s her lip at me. It is early and most bets are off so I respond, “I know sweetie but right now, I am no lady.” She looks up as if to say, fair enough and runs off to command her day. I only tell her that ladies don’t chew gum because, well it is true and because I know her! She doesn’t just do things, she DOES them all them all the way. She is the reason “how to” books are written. Now I know gum comes out of things but hair is another story and if I let her chew gum I would have to shave her bald because she sleeps all over and would sneak gum to bed. So it is easier to tell her that ladies don’t chew gum. Even if she uses it on me in school or in Target on a really redneck woman who is chewing and snapping gum like it is her JOB! Today when she went to school she matched for some reason, so I am guessing that she was a bit off kilter in such a way that will bite me in the ass when I pick her up. I learned the hard way not to fight her on her clothes by doing things this way. Pick out clothes at night and let her dress any way she wants. Now there are limits to this. Before I figured it out, we would battle in the morning like enemies over clothing and one day it hit me. WHY fight like this and isn’t making her wear what I want her to wear not allowing her to express herself? I don’t want to break that little fabulous spirit or make her not feel her own sense of dignity so I stopped. I think this is a great way to start her on the ability to make her own decisions because right now, this is one of the most important decisions of her day (in her mind) so why NOT let her command it? During the week, she can wear anything she wants. At night and on the weekends I do still dent her spirit just a hair. She must match and wear one out of two of the outfits I choose. This has proven to be a wonderful compromise. I must admit though, even though I pick out the clothes for parties, church etc. She looks so much better in the Uggs, the Christmas tights (in February) the pink and silver tutu and the sweater with the cupcake on it. She flops downstairs, twirls and says, “How do I look?” Rhetorical question of course because she already knows the answer! You know, somehow it works. It looks better on her than any smocked dress or high fashion, expensive catalog item ever could because it is her, totally her. Because she is loaded UP with fabulous and sweet and piss and vinegar and her own little fashion sense and it is as it should be! Everyone is dressed and we are off like a herd of angry turtles.

I look in the rear view mirror while driving and I am so sad to lose these little people for the day. I find myself jealous of their friends and teachers because they get all that awesome for 7 hours. What I see when I look in that rear view mirror is an explosion of color on the left, looking out the window. Penny for her thoughts I think, just as she looks up at me with her long blond hair and her big blueberry eyes and says,” I love you mommy” Then I look to the right at my perfectly matched little man, sitting with one leg crossed over the other like he is reading the Wall Street Journal. He feels my eyes on him so he looks up with his chocolate brown eyes and fluttering eye lashes and says, “I am going to miss you today mommy.” I say, “me too little man but you guys have to conquer the world today so have so much fun doing it”! He asks me what that means. Before I can answer, his sister does. “I don’t know what that word meant but she means we have a lot to do at school today and she wants us to have fun.” They look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Nothing else is said until we get to school.

Walking back to the car after I drop them off I am glad I walked them in instead of dropping them off. The extra 20 minutes it took out of my morning made the next 7 hours of their day. I am soaking in and savoring every moment because they go so fast. One minute they are 5 and you are wishing they were self sustaining so can have your life. Blink and they are 25 and you wish they wanted you around more. I am dreading getting home to the quiet that I have so longed for but I realize that I am so blessed to have it both ways. I can roll my eyes and beg for quiet alone time and still wish it was tempered with the noise and chaos of one morning person and one that is not without being a walking contradiction. I am a mommy and I am 100% in love with my job.

Some of my favorite little nuggets to live by are:

1. Know who you are.
2. Swagger is for boys, class is for men.
3. Ladies do not chew gum.
4. Savor it, today they are 5. Blink and they are 25

These three things will be found in the very LONG post below. At this point I have no idea what order they will fall into or if I will even be able to bring my point home but if I worried about that I would not be able to write. That would just take the fun out of it and give all the grammar and edit Nazi’s nothing to bitch about. See below.

The divides that tie us. 

Our house is a house divided. We are divided with regard to sports teams, politics and religious denominations (denominations, NOT beliefs, God is King up in this shizzle). I am sure THAT statement just made most everyone reading this swallow hard because in the south, damn these are some major division (AND it is almost March Madness…OMG… I still don’t understand….Boston College in the ACC..really? Jesse Helms flipped in his grave again but I digress)! I am also sure my southern friends (who don’t already know) are thinking State? Carolina?, just please Lord not Duke! Which one is Baptist? And which one is the Republican??? Probably the same one that is Baptist, duh! We don’t argue about these things because there is no point, we know who we are and we believe what we believe. We also respect each other for these divisions and don’t feel the need to change one another, this a good marriage makes. This doesn’t mean that we are short on heated, meaty discussions but we just know how far to take them ,which is just shy of the couch or guest bedroom. We are NOT, however divided on the really important things like sweet tea, salty, buttery grits, fried chicken in grandmother’s cast iron skillet, thank you notes, everything tastes better with bacon, Dukes mayonnaise only, there is a place for everything and everything has its place, flush and wash, pay all your bills first, chunk some into savings, THEN live on the rest. If you have these as house rules…you can run just about any house in the south smoothly, maybe anywhere else in the world also but that just doesn’t concern a southerner.

The one thing we are divided in that can sometimes cause a storm of tears, screaming, popping of blood vessels or at the very least, dissension in the ranks is a really bad one but it is also one that garners major props. Far WORSE than anything listed above! Our humble abode has two people who are NOT morning people (husband and boy child) and two “others” (girl child and mommy)! I knew from the early stages of dating the man I married that this could very well be the one difference that could break us up if he didn’t climb on board. His mother, god rest her soul was not a morning person either so turns out he already had a well oiled play book. As a matter of fact, no one in my life has ever been able to handle it but this man! GOD I love him!!! The husband and the boy child are morning people tis true and they wake up happy on even 15 minutes of sleep. We often look at them as if they are from another planet. What in the hell can anyone have to be SO happy about at 7am??? The girl child and the mother are just not of that persuasion. We wake up surly and just plain ugly no matter how much sleep we have had. We don’t like ourselves and no one even looks at us in the morning for fear that we bite! The formula for dealing with us is SO simple that it is funny. IGNORE US unless we speak directly to you and if we do, it would behoove you to answer us!!!!! It is simply perplexing to me how only two people in this world have figured it out without bloodshed and they are the 45 year old and the 5 year old that live with us. There have actually been people who have broken themselves against me like twigs by trying to change it. They have suffered greatly for their sins. If left alone it goes away on its own in a couple of hours but if poked at it is either like a sleeping bear or a pit viper, you choose your punishment. I make no excuses for it other than it is what it is and it has been in place for 44 years so deal with it or stay the hell away. I don’t jump into anyone’s shit unless provoked so I make no apologies for it either. I am however, using a bit of a softer approach with my daughter but I am not trying to change her, just help her accept who she is and embrace it without cutting teeth on anyone. Lord Jesus that is a delicate balance. Sometimes she wonders and will ask me why she feels so much different in the morning than she does the rest of the day. Amazed that she is only 5 years old and can verbalize that she feels different and try to understand it I answer her like this. Because my darling girl you are smart, fabulous and so loaded with awesome and you rise to meet the world on your terms. You are busy and you are strong and you will accomplish great things today so it takes you longer to be ready for all that fabulousness (myok but don’t try to hurt anyone because of it. Cut other people a little bit more slack you need people to cut you and always be fair because we all have feelings. Kind of heavy for a kindergartner but she gets it. Sometimes she still has rough mornings and in the true fashion of an anti morning person will occasionally opt to snack on one of us for breakfast but she always apologizes, says I love you and KNOWS we love her too. I just can’t ask for more than that!

Dress for happiness but please JUST GET DRESSED!! 

One of the major things that mom’s battle with in the mornings is dressing the kiddo’s for school. Sometimes I find myself cowering in a corner with a cup of hot, black coffee screeching...dammit will you guys zip your pie wholes and just get dressed.  I don't care what you wear just get dressed!!!!  When you are dealing with surly people in the morning it is just plain best to go with a combination of not giving a shit and picking out clothes at night. If you can do this, it can make the morning go much more smoothly and help everyone leave the house with dignity and tears intact. We pick out the clothes for my daughter at night. She and I do this together but it is still a crap shoot as to what she will come downstairs dressed in! More on that later….. My children are very different on their dress styles. My son is the quintessential prep. My daughter believes if it matches I don’t want anything to do with it! The only thing I have to say to my son in the morning with regard to dressing is, “Son go pick out your clothes and get dressed.” He smiles, hugs and kisses me, tells me I am beautiful and goes to get dressed.

and he happens to be my son!

He emerges from his bedroom soaked in little boy charm but worldly husband and father material. My sweet son is so happy and so in love with being alive, he makes me almost want to be a morning person. He is the only person that I am drawn to in the morning. I want to smell him, touch him and be as close to him as possible so that some of his out of this world aura will rub off on me. I am like a moth to a flame with this child. He is the epitome of swagger is for boys and class is for men. He just gets it! He professes that pictures and words do not belong on clothes. He wears only kahki’s, jeans, white t-shirts and polo style shirts. Sear sucker in the summer, stripes, plaids and solid colors only. He lives in flip flops but refuses to go near sandal's. They are not for boys either. I feel this way too but he came up with all this on his own. He knows how he wants to look and he says that he likes to dress like his daddy. He will be far more expensive to dress than his sister. He once received a spider man muscle t-shirt for his birthday.

Why in the name of all things fashion???

He was three years old. Thank the lord we opted that year to open gifts from the birthday party after the guests had gone home. He pulled this t-shirt out of the bag, held it between his fingers like it was on fire. Looked at it, and ran to the trash can with it. Enter the teachable moment. I walked with him to the trash can and got it out. He said, “Mommy I AM NOT wearing that!” I told him I understood but that just because he didn’t want it didn’t mean it had no worth. I explained to him (while starring wide eyed at me) that good will was the place for things that we no longer wanted and that although he did not want it, someone else would love to have it. He found this hard to believe but walked it to the good will bag and brushed his hands back and forth together like he was brushing off dirt. I giggled but knew he was serious. I said a quiet prayer of thanks that I would never have to put my son in a shirt with a dinosaur on it that said ROOOOAAAAARRRR! I also said a silent goodbye to my extra cash because boy clothes are so much more expensive!!! Just to make sure I am not raising a snob…or another highbrow hillbilly, I asked him recently what he thinks about boys who wear the kinds of clothes that he doesn’t like. He responded with, “I don’t care what other people wear, everyone is different and likes different things” “I wear what I like and what looks good on me mommy and that is all that matters right?” I swallowed heavily, pushed back tears answered him with yes buddy you are right and thanked God for giving my son such a solid sweet and moral compass.

The force that is the girl child. 

She has the best of me and the worst of me but she handles with grit and grace. Unlike me, she cares what other people think of her clothing choices but like me, she moves to the beat of the music in her own head and sometimes that music is so loud it drowns out everyone else. She is a force. I usually drop them off at school in my pajamas because the carpool line is forgiving but last night in her sleep she whispered, “Mommy will you walk us in tomorrow?” So this morning, I had to get dressed. I looked at myself in the car and thought DAYUM! Oh well, not much I can do about it now. Just then my son says from the backseat, “Mommy you look beautiful and you smell so good too.” Hell to the yeah, love that child. We pull into a parking place and start walking to the building. Oh yeah, my outfit if you will, Uggs (the really old and smelly ones) leggings, a RED Foo Fighters t-shirt, a hoodie, hair in a pony tail and dark sunglasses! I look like the friggin Unabomber! One mom looks at me like, holly shit, have you had your sprinkle today! Remember that jingle from the 70’s? Shower to shower each day helps keep odor away….have you had your sprinkle today? I look like I smell even though I don’t.

You are welcome for making you sing this tune in your head all day.

 Anyway, this mom always looks fabulous. She is a pharmaceutical sales rep and sports 4 inch heels every day. Little does she know that back in the day I too would sport 4 inch heels but it would have been with this Foo Fighters t-shirt on and NOT at 8:14am…and screw her..cause I like the way I look even though I make fun of myself! We walk on. Inside one of the teachers says, “Great t-shirt!” Hahaha, my point is, some girls do and some girls don’t so by all means fly your own flag! Just as I am kissing my daughter goodbye at her door she notices that I am committing a cardinal sin and calls me on it by whispering in my ear, “Ladies don’t chew gum.” And snarl’s her lip at me. It is early and most bets are off so I respond, “I know sweetie but right now, I am no lady.” She looks up as if to say, fair enough and runs off to command her day. I only tell her that ladies don’t chew gum because, well it is true and because I know her! She doesn’t just do things, she DOES them all them all the way. She is the reason “how to” books are written. Now I know gum comes out of things but hair is another story and if I let her chew gum I would have to shave her bald because she sleeps all over and would sneak gum to bed. So it is easier to tell her that ladies don’t chew gum. Even if she uses it on me in school or in Target on a really redneck woman who is chewing and snapping gum like it is her JOB! Today when she went to school she matched for some reason, so I am guessing that she was a bit off kilter in such a way that will bite me in the ass when I pick her up. I learned the hard way not to fight her on her clothes by doing things this way. Pick out clothes at night and let her dress any way she wants. Now there are limits to this. Before I figured it out, we would battle in the morning like enemies over clothing and one day it hit me. WHY fight like this and isn’t making her wear what I want her to wear not allowing her to express herself? I don’t want to break that little fabulous spirit or make her not feel her own sense of dignity so I stopped. I think this is a great way to start her on the ability to make her own decisions because right now, this is one of the most important decisions of her day (in her mind) so why NOT let her command it? During the week, she can wear anything she wants. At night and on the weekends I do still dent her spirit just a hair. She must match and wear one out of two of the outfits I choose. This has proven to be a wonderful compromise. I must admit though, even though I pick out the clothes for parties, church etc. She looks so much better in the Uggs, the Christmas tights (in February) the pink and silver tutu and the sweater with the cupcake on it. She flops downstairs, twirls and says, “How do I look?” Rhetorical question of course because she already knows the answer! You know, somehow it works. It looks better on her than any smocked dress or high fashion, expensive catalog item ever could because it is her, totally her. Because she is loaded UP with fabulous and sweet and piss and vinegar and her own little fashion sense and it is as it should be! Everyone is dressed and we are off like a herd of angry turtles.

I look in the rear view mirror while driving and I am so sad to lose these little people for the day. I find myself jealous of their friends and teachers because they get all that awesome for 7 hours. What I see when I look in that rear view mirror is an explosion of color on the left, looking out the window. Penny for her thoughts I think, just as she looks up at me with her long blond hair and her big blueberry eyes and says,” I love you mommy” Then I look to the right at my perfectly matched little man, sitting with one leg crossed over the other like he is reading the Wall Street Journal. He feels my eyes on him so he looks up with his chocolate brown eyes and fluttering eye lashes and says, “I am going to miss you today mommy.” I say, “me too little man but you guys have to conquer the world today so have so much fun doing it”! He asks me what that means. Before I can answer, his sister does. “I don’t know what that word meant but she means we have a lot to do at school today and she wants us to have fun.” They look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Nothing else is said until we get to school.

Walking back to the car after I drop them off I am glad I walked them in instead of dropping them off. The extra 20 minutes it took out of my morning made the next 7 hours of their day. I am soaking in and savoring every moment because they go so fast. One minute they are 5 and you are wishing they were self sustaining so can have your life. Blink and they are 25 and you wish they wanted you around more. I am dreading getting home to the quiet that I have so longed for but I realize that I am so blessed to have it both ways. I can roll my eyes and beg for quiet alone time and still wish it was tempered with the noise and chaos of one morning person and one that is not without being a walking contradiction. I am a mommy and I am 100% in love with my job.

Contributing to the delinquency of a fat ass!

Seriously?  Is there any reason under God's green earth that any grocery store should sell this much damn ice cream for this cheap?  You could set up a canasta board on my ass as it is and then I go into my favorite grocery store and see this.  Do you think I bought any?

Hell to the yeah!!!

I crammed this stuff in my cart like a thief in a bank vault.  What I didn't take a picture of was the additional sherbet and low fat yogurt I also slid in along side it.  I also will not even mention the cookie,cracker, dairy and candy aisle that I perused and piled into the cart either.  When I got to the frozen foods and can goods, I had no room.  Healthy lost out on this go round let me tell you.  This damn cart would kill a diabetic in less than 5 minutes!  In my own defense,as if I need anyone to come to my defense, I did just have a child have his tonsils and adenoids taken out so it just happens to be real convenient that I need all the ice cream in the free world.  The boy child is not as big as a fart in a hurricane so he can eat ice cream for 3 squares and 24/7 for 10 years and not gain weight.  He may have cholesterol numbers in the 1600's but he probably won't gain very much weight.  I must admit that I did look over my shoulder prepared to give anyone stink eye or possibly 

I didn't to this, instead I walked on feeling guilty and like a bad mommy.  It was obvious from all the other things in my cart that I have small children at home.   SO I doubt anyone really noticed the 5 FREAKIN GALLONS of ice cream I had placed ever so tucked away on the bottom rack where the crazy cat women usually shove 5 big ass bags of cat litter.  I must admit though that the kudos I got from my pediatrician for not having obese children did ring in my ears.  BUT no need t look over my shoulder for him because he doesn't live in the same town I live in anymore so I guess I can set that bag of bricks down.  To make matters worse when I got to the checkout lane I could see the cashiers all looking for something sharp to stab in their eyes so they could take a break and not have to check me and my 5 million items out.  Bite me bitches and don't piss me off or I will go to the 12 items or less aisle and limp, cross my eyes, drool on myself and act like I don't know what the fuck is going on so I can tie that lane up for an hour!  Finally someone said, "mam I can help you on 3"  so I roll over there and begin the countdown to the rape of my wallet.  She gets finished, asks me for my VIC card and watches as it scans down lower, lower and a bit lower.  It stops and the girl bagging says in a very smart ass, young girl kind of way, "GOD when is the last time you came shopping?"  I glare at her like I am about to smack the snark off her badly pitted face!  When the silence gets uncomfortable for her she says, "well look on the bright side....you are the customer with the highest grocery bill so far today."  I said, "oh great, as my door prize for such an awesome victory I would like someone to load all this stuff in my car for me(I NEVER get them to do this)...and then come home with me to put it all away, no seriously how do you know I am the highest?"  She says, "oh we keep a tally between us just to pass the time because this job is SO boring... so congratulations, hahaha."  When she calls out to another clerk to walk me out to my car with my haul, apparently her manager was there to distribute breaks and shift changes SO the guy she asked me to walk out was sent on break and SHE was told to "help" me to my car.  I looked at her and said  in a smart ass older woman kind of way, "congratulations, hahaha."  When we got to my car I opened the trunk, unlocked the car, got in and just waited for her to load it all up.  Came home and made a big ass bowl of ice cream! To the victor go the spoils...AND the big ass.  Yeah me!