Reproductive parts made me a mommy….
Keeping them made me a
bitch! Well it certainly didn’t
help.
I suffered through the months of spring
Miserable and bloated
Preparing for one thing!
I was going to have surgery
On an organ I no longer need
The one that caused much drama
Made me swell, gripe and bleed!
My body is swollen
Eyes look like piss holes in the snow
These female organs
Have simply got to go.
I cry for no reason
And scream when I’m mad
First indication something is wrong
Because I am rarely sad
My clothes don’t fit
And my belly seems distended
BOOM my period is back
But wait, it just ended.
This shit has to change
I just cannot comply
With something that bleeds
For three weeks and refuses to die!
So I had all my tests run…
Doc said, yep I see the problem
Lets get that sucker out
And have you back in business by autumn.
It is finally going to happen
Are you sure you want no more deliveries? (Babies)
HELL NO do it NOW
Take my uterus tubes and ovaries!
I scheduled the snip fest
And got the work done
Woke up to find he didn’t take all three
The uterus was the only one!
I asked him WHY
In a really ugly voice
He said calm down and listen
It was really the best choice.
Your uterus was the problem
Not your ovaries or tubes
So look at it this way
You still won’t need lube.
Ok, good I guess???
He said, YES but there could be one hitch
You MAY still have PMS
So you will still be a bitch.
No telling how bad it will be
Until it comes around
Dude I PROMISE if it’s worse
I will burn your house down!
So early in the fall
Guess who arrives?
The wicked witch of PMS
And she brought, attitude, bloating and hives!
She said, nice try getting rid of me
But I am still here
Now give me your concentration
And your tolerance my dear.
You really don’t need them
I’m much happier when you suffer
Didn’t he tell you its all worse?
Once you become a mother?
You had a partial surgery
You stupid little nit
You should have had it all
And been done with this shit.
So I call and say
Dude its here, I need an appointment
He says, ok come on in
Lemme call the fire department…
“What are the symptoms?”
I have mood swings from hell
I stomp, cry and throw things
I don’t talk…I only yell.
He said, poor darlin
Are they really that much worse?
I said yes motherfucker…
Wanna see the gun in my purse?
He now says it hormones
Well, no shit you mental genius!
Guess that is what I get
For going to a butt doctor with a penis.
A man can only study
What a women automatically knows
But a man is the first to tell you
How bad PMS blows!
I am going to have the rest removed
And be free from the drama
Of all the body parts
That made me a momma.
My advice on the issue
Is if you are having trouble
Go have a hysterectomy
Do it now, on the double!
But have a complete
NOT a supra cervical
Removing some but not all
As Seuss says is nonsensical!
In conclusion I tell you
The 7 dwarfs of menopause
Also moonlight for PMS
So prepare without pause
Watch out for itchy, bitchy and sweaty
Beware for psycho and forgetful
But for god sakes be ready
For the final two dwarfs
Can be really mean and creepy
Because they make us look the WORST
Please meet bloated and sleepy!
Being a woman isn’t easy
And there is no man alive
That is able to go through
All we do and survive!
Not only forgetful also doubles as psycho-boiling bunnies(heads of anyone who aggravates you)
Remember her? she went psycho and drove across country in a diaper..yep BAT shit crazy!!
