Being a mommy is never easy.  It is usually hard and sometimes it just plain sucks!  You never have a day off, you are always being watched by little eyes and you are always on the clock for shaping and molding little lives into becoming responsible adults who do and say the right things when you are not looking.  These lovely little curtain climbers see, hear and repeat everything and are always willing to quote you…whether it is correct or not.  One of my biggest fears was that one of my children (probably the girl) was going to drop the word cocksucker in church and have us excommunicated!  The bad there is that it is my husband’s bad word of choice but he is so even tempered and nice that no one would believe it, thus assuming they learned it from me.   I am the one in the family with the gate mouth, the one who says what comes up, speaks her mind and doesn’t sugar coat anything so I must say that bad press and stink eye is an acquired taste.     

I am also the unconventional one.  I have never, nor will I ever claimed to be mommy of the year.  I do things my way.  I read the books, take the courses but I raise my children in the way that works for me.  You can read all the self help books and take all the courses in the world and I am not knocking any of them, but when you are down in the trenches with your children all day, you simply reach the point of doing what works and anyone who makes you feel badly for it…well folks, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a eye!  Talking with someone about how they are raising their kids is a sticky business and even a mild mannered individual will rip you a new asshole if they think you are criticizing them.  I see people in stores, at parks, restaurants and parties doing things that I think to myself, oh yeah, I would do THAT differently.  Realizing of course that I have the benefit of judgment and the time to think because I am not the parent everyone is putting through ocular intrusion!  To date, my husband and I have missed so many meals at restaurants (or eaten dinner out of the Styrofoam to go box) that we are now in the habit of eating like prisoners when we are in one just so we can finish before someone shows their ass.  When this happens we just remove them as a way of paying it forward I guess, hoping everyone would do that instead of ruin the experience of other paying customers.  We don’t hit, spank, pop, drag or doggie door them (although, we do dream of doing this sometimes)…we just briskly walk to the car without words.  We mainly do this because it teaches them that they must leave a place they do not deserve to be.  Acting up in a restaurant is unacceptable and if you can’t “act like you aughta” then you can leave and miss dinner.  Yes, this also means going to bed with nothing when we get home. 

Since I am not a parent that can spank or hit, I have to teach with words and actions, lessons if you will.  I cannot lie sometimes I have wanted to smack the crap out of my children for doing something I told them 15 times not to do.  There is a difference in thinking it and doing it, thoughts are free.   I have learned from my husband that in almost everything, there is a teachable moment and I try to look for those.  I still approach them differently than he does but I hope that he and I together, with all our training, opinions, hopes and desires can teach our children to become good, honest and self reliant, productive members of society.

When you don’t listen, you have to feel.

When my dad used this line on me, it meant that I was just about to feel a spanking by his hand or something else.  I use this line on my twins also but for me it means something different.  It means that they are going to feel the pang of responsibility and the slap of accountability.  It will come in the feeling of embarrassment, sadness or knowing they have disappointed me.  I readily admit that it may be easier to spank them and get it over with but teaching them why instead of ouch goes a lot farther.  Enter the meanest mommy in the world.  Grocery shopping with twins has been like being pecked to death my ducks since they were old enough to push that damn customer in training cart all by themselves.  

cute huh, hell NO

My ankles may never be the same.  I have learned to wear my Chuck Taylor’s when shopping with them because at least I am covered well passed my ankle in those!  

Actually, mine are blue

One day in Harris Teeter I had told them both so many times to knock it off, stop it, don’t touch it and leave alone that my son got so tired of hearing it that he asked to sit in cart.  I obliged.  The girl child would never choose to be restrained in that way so she continues to walk.   Coming down the aisle where the candles are I reminded her that this aisle has breakables and if she touches or breaks anything, she will deal with the consequences.  Just so she knows what said consequences are, she asks “what will happen if I break something?”  I told her that we may have to buy it.  She answered with, “well I don’t have any money.”  I said, “well then you had better be careful.”  To her, not having any money meant she was off the hook.  Once we reached the point where you could smell the candles we stopped to look.  I thought of buying one only to remember that $24.99 for a candle is ridiculous!  I was looking away when she headed toward the peach, soy candle.  She picked it up by the lid and the candle flew out of the lid and crashed to the floor.  Glass few everywhere!  All over the floor and up into the air cutting her brother on the foot in two places.  Not a bad cut (he had not even noticed yet) but his foot was hanging down from the seat so it bled more than normal. I decided I would let the two of them figure out he was cut at their own speed and go from there.  I picked up the candle and all the big pieces and handed her the lid which was not broken.  I looked at her and said, “come with me.”  In an elevated and nervous voice she asked me where we were going.  I told her to see the manager and the tears began to flow.  “whhhhhhyyyyyyyy mooommmmyyyy”  “I aammmm  sooorrrryyyyy.”  Her brother said “hmmm mmmm, now you are in trouble” but I shot him stink eye and told him to zip it and he did.  I got down on the floor so she and I were face to face and told her I knew it was only an accident but we had to do the right thing.  Explained to her that she had broken something that cost money and she needed to do her part to fix it so we were going to talk to the manager about it.  I did the best I could to push the cart with one hand and lovingly hold her little hand with the other.  We got to the front desk and she looked up at her brother for support only to see that his foot was bleeding.  She burst into tears even more upon the realization that it too was her fault.  She said, “mommy please don’t make me do this!!!”  I said, “honey it is ok, we will do it together.”  Bless her little heart, when the two managers walked over to us.  I sat her up on the counter.  She was crying, her brother had tears in his eyes and so did I.  The two managers did not know whether to shit or go blind!  One of them looked at me and asked if she could help.  I looked at my daughter and she looked at me then looked at the manager and said through tears, “I broke this candle (pushing the lid over to the manager) and cut my brother.”  She then looked back at me as I was brushing away a tear.  I said, “What else do you need to tell her honey?”  She looked at the manager, took a deep breath and said, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to, do you want me to pay for it because my mommy says I may have to?”  This particular manager must have had children and knew what I was going through so she had a really kind look in her eye.  The other one looked like he wanted to run to aisle 7, grab one of the steak knives and ram it through my black heart then grab a spool of turkey twine and hog tie me until DSS could get there!  The female manager said, “honey thank you for telling me about the candle, I know how hard it was for you and no you don’t have to buy it but I am so proud of you for telling me.”  She reached into the hand of the other manager and took a band aid and an alcohol pad then she gave it to my daughter.  My daughter opened it and began to wipe her brother’s toe and then put the band aid on his toe with my help.  In a whisper she looked up at him and said, “I’m sorry.”  He told her it was ok.  We then walked back to the candle aisle with the manager and stood with her while she swept up the mess, walked it to the trash can and once again told her we were sorry.  She hugged my daughter and patted me on the back and said, “take it easy, you are a good mommy, most would just walk away.”  I felt like the devil and I may very well be but I bet my daughter keeps her hands in her pockets and looks with her eyes the next time we go grocery shopping, at least on the candle aisle anyway.

On the way home.

IN

On the way home my daughter said nothing.  She looked out the window with a very pensive look on her face the entire ride home.  My son asked me a question that made me cry and proud of him at the same time.  Side Note: When I was 5 years old my mother made me face down a manager at K-mart for stealing a Barbie shoe.  Once we were home and she discovered I had it, she marched me back to the store and sent me in alone to tell the manager what I had done.  It is one of the memories that stuck with me and I have never again taken anything that did not belong to me.  I told my children about this at some point.  My son asked me about this memory and if I will remember it forever because Grammy did it to teach me.  He did it because he understood the magnitude of what I had done.  In his own way he was letting his sister know that although what I did seemed cruel, it was done to teach her a lesson and he was also letting me know that he understood I did it out of love.  After he said it, she turned and looked at him and smiled a tiny smile then looked back out the window.  He looked at me in the rear view mirror and said, “I love you mommy!”  I couldn’t speak so I reached back and grabbed his foot with my hand.  He knew what I meant.  When we pulled into the driveway I went to help them unbuckle their car seats.  She was still shaking but she looked at me and whispered, “I love you mommy.”  I said, “Honey I love you to the moon and back.”  She said, “I know.”

That night at bedtime she talked to her daddy about what happened.  She explained to him that she caused the accident and told him what happened.  He asked her how it made her feel.  She told him that what mommy made her do was hard but she knew it was right.  She is only 5 years old and there will be many more accidents and broken candles but if I remember the memory of what happened to me at 5 then chances are she will also.  I hope she will also remember me with love and respect for loving and respecting her enough to give her the power to do what is right.  

Old, Not that there is anything wrong with old.

1^st Day of school for the twins and mommy is off to a winning start.  I am a Loser with a capital L!  Sometimes when I do it all right, or things go well (off without a hitch so to speak) I have to sit for a second in utter amazement that I didn’t actually kill anyone or anything.  I can’t always say that since the Lexus has been known to take out small creatures such as Canada Geese and squirrels (in the double digits) but I can say that I haven’t taken out any adults or small children YET.  

For someone that seems secure, organized and confident on the outside I seem to say to myself “you can do this” over and over again.  I really am in shock sometimes when I crawl into bed at night that I (and the people I take care of) have made it safely through a day.  If you really stop and think of how your family looks up to you, expects you to be there, knows you are the glue that keeps it all together  and also the wind that keeps all the balls in the air…it will flat scare the living shit out of you!  Holy responsibility batman!  I actually remember thinking when I was pregnant, man if I can just get these babies OUT of my body life will be so much easier and it will slow down.  (Insert wild, loud, snorting laughter here.) That is not even a naive thought it is simply the dumbest thought in the free world.  I really thought things would “slow down” and “go back to normal”.  Little did I know that things never slow down again and back to normal just becomes a new normal.  But from there on in, life is a complete and utter train wreck and you are running around like a raped ape all the time.  I also now believe what all the people I thought were crazy as hell used to say to me.  “You will soon embrace it and not know how to act when everything isn’t going crazy all the time.”  Sad but true just as it is that prisoners become accustom to life behind bars so much that they can’t make it on the outside.  How is that for a positive outlook on it?  (insert sarcastic smiley face here)  I say, whatever helps.

We moved to Winston Salem and everything is new.  It is new for us but there sure isn’t much new here.  Everything and everyone is pretty old.  Even the man who cuts my grass is old. 

He looks JUST like Henry Fonda did in On Golden Pond until you get right up on him.  He is really tall and has sleeves of tattoo's.  All the tattoo's are brightly colored and man he has both arms full!  He will not let me give him water or anything but he will talk to me as long as I will talk to him.  He may be old but he is in serious shape.  Not only does he do our yard but the yards of everyone in our neighborhood who does not do their own.  I felt so guilty sitting in my house watching him cut the grass until I started to talk to him.  Then I realized he was just like my grandfather and cutting the grass is therapy for him, he loves it and it shows because it looks wonderful when he is finished.  He arrives at 8am and he is with me until 2pm and he uses a push mover...yes a friggin push mower.  He does not have an ounce of fat on him!  It is August and he wears overalls and a t-shirt with boots!  I love him. 

Trust me I don't say this old thing like it is bad..it just is what it is.  I am no spring chicken but I guess I am just used to home where I see more of a mixture of things and people of all ages.  We live in the “country” so I am told that the closer I get to “town” the younger things get.   Suddenly I feel like Wyatt Earp’s wife heading for Tombstone, where is my covered wagon and my laudanum? The quote I get from most folks I talk to must be on a bumper sticker somewhere but I have yet to see it.  “Welcome to Winston, things here are slow, very old and very safe”.  It is like they pull people aside once social security kicks in and teach them that this is the thing to say to a newcomer.  Even the man at the Verizon store said this and then followed it up with, “If you want gangs and fast pace with new stuff then 919 is still there but if you like slow and safe honey 336 is for you!”  The other thing they tell me is that Winston is simply beautiful and they are also right about that (with exception of that Peters Creek area..it is creepy).  Only having been here for a few weeks I must admit I am getting very used to the fact that Winston is slow, very old and very safe.  The people are also very nice and welcoming.  I am used to a certain snobby attitude from my home town.  The people are often times judgmental, difficult, unfriendly and just plain snarky and you can tell by looking at them which ones will be the worst.  Raleigh has that reputation with people here as well and many have asked me about what it was like to live there because of it.  I love it, I miss it and all these things about it are true but it is also a wonderful place to live and when it is all you really know you tend to be accepting, well that and some people rich or poor are just assholes.  The people here could not be further from the words listed above in fact they are the antithesis.  The ones you look at and think would be unfriendly or snarky are the nicest of all.  People speak, smile and talk to you.  They genuinely care about the answer to the question.  Not just hey, how are you while flying past you.   Seriously everyone I have encountered here has been beaming with quiet, southern charm and overwhelmingly welcoming.  So much so that it has brought me to a place where I tread in unfamiliar waters, this place is called, at a loss for words and folks it is quiet and lonely there, thank GOD I am not there very often!

This brings me to my new neighbor.  He is however not new.  He moved here in 1964 when he was 34 years old.  The tree in his front yard is a LARGE and looming but beautiful maple tree and it is what I look at each morning when I have my coffee.  His wife planted the tree as a seedling in 1965.  His roots here are as deep as the maple.  He is adorable and has his fair share of sad stories to add to his years but he is here and I am thankful for him to add to my list of people to care for because this man is learning how to live alone for the first time in over 62 years.  I am not alone but I feel certain symmetry with him at the present time. 

On this, the first day of school for my twins at their new Montessori School I did not do all things right.  I got them lunch packed, clothed and out the door for school and arrived on time.  I came home to my daunting list of to do’s and knocked out quite a bit. I even suffered a minor myocardial infarction as I got a little jiggy wit my new elliptical machine cause this girl is also old and slow!   As the day progressed and I prepared to be back at school on time as promised, I started numbering things in my head that needed to happen and also numbering the items I would need in my hands when I walked out the door(OCD I know but not quite far enough to be licking light plates).  I needed three things.  Keys, phone and wallet, not hard to remember right?  Keys, phone and wallet!  I rushed around the house, picked up three things and headed out the front door.  As the door closed behind me and hitting me in the ass, something felt wrong, very wrong.  

                       SHIT  SHIT   SHIT

I looked at my hands and I did in fact have three things.  Phone (always), wallet (usually) and a letter (not my keys).  Shit, I am locked out and I have little idea of where I am.  I have 10 minutes to get to school to be on time and my drive is about 13 minutes.  Screwed, not good mommy, not good.  What is that noise I hear??  It is the sound of my mommy of the year trophy falling off a shelf inside my locked house and right into the cheesecake that is in the oven!  First day of school and I have to make the total ass hat move of locking my keys inside the house.  Springing into action I call the owner of the home to see if she has a key hidden outside.  Nope.  So I call my husband to tell him what I have done and to please get our twins to after school care until I can get there…oh yeah and to see if he can come get me if my attempts to commandeer a key are unsuccessful.  He says yes but try first and then let me know.  So I run across the street, under the maple tree and to the front door of my neighbor.  He opens, invites me in and I ask if he has a key.  He says, “I think so, at least I used to so come on in and let me look.”  He goes through what seems like 100 keys only to say, “I don’t have one but I know who does so come on and I will drive you there”.  He has been here since 1964 so I don’t question this logic at all..I just assume we are going elsewhere in this good size neighborhood to someone’s house, until we turn out of our neighborhood.  It is now that I am beginning to wonder where we are going. He drives like a bat out of hell (I turn around to make sure we are not being chased because he is flying), he does not use turn signals and his left arm shakes like a paint shaker at home depot so I feel like I am in a blender.  We go a bit further and are now going away from town so I sit for a second until I have mustered the courage to ask him where we are going.  He says, “To the police department.”  I say, “really, why?”  He answers, “They will be able to let you into your house.”  Skeptical and puzzled I ask him in a very small voice, “Do they keep keys to some people’s homes at the police department here in Winston?”  His answer made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  He says, “well no but they have one of those jimmy things they use on your car so I sure they can use it on your house”!!!!!!!!!!!  I think to myself, yeah no this is not gonna work we are getting into a ranch not a sentra… so self, what are you gonna do now?  I start to imagine us pulling up at the police station and going in.  I try to explain to the desk officers that he brought me here for a key to my house (because you can always get a key to your house from the police station??? IN SEASAME STREET) and they do not believe me.  Instead they think I have kidnapped him (a much more likely story) and at gunpoint am making him drive me to his bank so he can take out all his money and give it to me!  I am new here and well, a blonde so how am I to know the police station is right next to his bank???  They think I am the first bad element to hit Winston Salem and lock me up!  My husband has to leave his new job to bust his wife out of the clink and that will not look good then we have to work with local DSS offices to get our children back!  Back to reality…how do I stop him from taking me to the police station?  I text my husband in all caps.  PLEASE LEAVE WORK AND COME LET ME IN…NEIGHBOR IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO HELP ME!  I then decide to say, oh…I have just received a text from my husband and he is on the way so we can just turn around and head home!  He says, “Well ok if you say so.”  We get back home, I thank him and I sit on my front porch for about 30 minutes freaking out at the cheesecake that I have in the oven and the fact that I did not get to school to pick up my twins on time.  This is not something they will take kindly to because they are mine and they do not like to be inconvenienced OR for the mommy to not hold up her end of the bargain!  Great, this is going to cost me a trip to Build a Bear or Toys R Us!  I would rather face down a rabid bear than face down the girl child when she aint happy or the boy child when he is disappointed.  There has GOT to be sword I can fall on out here somewhere??? 

Husband arrives and lets me in the house, cheesecake is awesome and by the way if you want to keep a cheesecake from cracking on top….cook it in a water bath!  I pee, grab a coke, bag of chips and thank the husband for letting me in.  I follow him back to school because I am the one with car seats and he has to go back to work, it is only 4pm.  I walk in, look for my twins and they are of course happy to see me.  Hugs, kisses, stories about friends made, artwork completed and a successful first day.  Whew, seems like I dodged a bullet and maybe they are not pissed at me and are willing to cut me some slack on being way late! 

I had to mention it, it was killing me I guess so… I shit in my own well!  I said, “So guys, did daddy tell you what happened to mommy and why I am late?”  My sweet son looks at me through the rear view mirror rolls his big brown eyes, bats his 10,000 brown eyelashes and in a very sarcastic voice says, 


“Why yes he did mommy, he said YOU locked yourself out of the house, is THAT true?”  I felt like I all of a sudden needed a booster seat so I could see over the steering wheel.  Man kids know how to make you feel like a stupid asshole!  I answered, “Yes darling, I had so much on my mind and I missed you guys so much and wanted to hear all about your day that I rushed out and slammed the door behind me without my keys, can you believe that?  


My daughter, without looking up but managing to get the eye roll in followed by the sigh of an irritated 5 year old who is rapidly approaching OVER IT says, “Mommy what kind of person locks themselves OUT of their OWN house?”  You know, I cannot argue with that kind of logic since I know exactly where she got it.

Old, Not that there is anything wrong with old.

1^st Day of school for the twins and mommy is off to a winning start.  I am a Loser with a capital L!  Sometimes when I do it all right, or things go well (off without a hitch so to speak) I have to sit for a second in utter amazement that I didn’t actually kill anyone or anything.  I can’t always say that since the Lexus has been known to take out small creatures such as Canada Geese and squirrels (in the double digits) but I can say that I haven’t taken out any adults or small children YET.  

For someone that seems secure, organized and confident on the outside I seem to say to myself “you can do this” over and over again.  I really am in shock sometimes when I crawl into bed at night that I (and the people I take care of) have made it safely through a day.  If you really stop and think of how your family looks up to you, expects you to be there, knows you are the glue that keeps it all together  and also the wind that keeps all the balls in the air…it will flat scare the living shit out of you!  Holy responsibility batman!  I actually remember thinking when I was pregnant, man if I can just get these babies OUT of my body life will be so much easier and it will slow down.  (Insert wild, loud, snorting laughter here.) That is not even a naive thought it is simply the dumbest thought in the free world.  I really thought things would “slow down” and “go back to normal”.  Little did I know that things never slow down again and back to normal just becomes a new normal.  But from there on in, life is a complete and utter train wreck and you are running around like a raped ape all the time.  I also now believe what all the people I thought were crazy as hell used to say to me.  “You will soon embrace it and not know how to act when everything isn’t going crazy all the time.”  Sad but true just as it is that prisoners become accustom to life behind bars so much that they can’t make it on the outside.  How is that for a positive outlook on it?  (insert sarcastic smiley face here)  I say, whatever helps.

We moved to Winston Salem and everything is new.  It is new for us but there sure isn’t much new here.  Everything and everyone is pretty old.  Even the man who cuts my grass is old. 

He looks JUST like Henry Fonda did in On Golden Pond until you get right up on him.  He is really tall and has sleeves of tattoo's.  All the tattoo's are brightly colored and man he has both arms full!  He will not let me give him water or anything but he will talk to me as long as I will talk to him.  He may be old but he is in serious shape.  Not only does he do our yard but the yards of everyone in our neighborhood who does not do their own.  I felt so guilty sitting in my house watching him cut the grass until I started to talk to him.  Then I realized he was just like my grandfather and cutting the grass is therapy for him, he loves it and it shows because it looks wonderful when he is finished.  He arrives at 8am and he is with me until 2pm and he uses a push mover...yes a friggin push mower.  He does not have an ounce of fat on him!  It is August and he wears overalls and a t-shirt with boots!  I love him. 

Trust me I don't say this old thing like it is bad..it just is what it is.  I am no spring chicken but I guess I am just used to home where I see more of a mixture of things and people of all ages.  We live in the “country” so I am told that the closer I get to “town” the younger things get.   Suddenly I feel like Wyatt Earp’s wife heading for Tombstone, where is my covered wagon and my laudanum? The quote I get from most folks I talk to must be on a bumper sticker somewhere but I have yet to see it.  “Welcome to Winston, things here are slow, very old and very safe”.  It is like they pull people aside once social security kicks in and teach them that this is the thing to say to a newcomer.  Even the man at the Verizon store said this and then followed it up with, “If you want gangs and fast pace with new stuff then 919 is still there but if you like slow and safe honey 336 is for you!”  The other thing they tell me is that Winston is simply beautiful and they are also right about that (with exception of that Peters Creek area..it is creepy).  Only having been here for a few weeks I must admit I am getting very used to the fact that Winston is slow, very old and very safe.  The people are also very nice and welcoming.  I am used to a certain snobby attitude from my home town.  The people are often times judgmental, difficult, unfriendly and just plain snarky and you can tell by looking at them which ones will be the worst.  Raleigh has that reputation with people here as well and many have asked me about what it was like to live there because of it.  I love it, I miss it and all these things about it are true but it is also a wonderful place to live and when it is all you really know you tend to be accepting, well that and some people rich or poor are just assholes.  The people here could not be further from the words listed above in fact they are the antithesis.  The ones you look at and think would be unfriendly or snarky are the nicest of all.  People speak, smile and talk to you.  They genuinely care about the answer to the question.  Not just hey, how are you while flying past you.   Seriously everyone I have encountered here has been beaming with quiet, southern charm and overwhelmingly welcoming.  So much so that it has brought me to a place where I tread in unfamiliar waters, this place is called, at a loss for words and folks it is quiet and lonely there, thank GOD I am not there very often!

This brings me to my new neighbor.  He is however not new.  He moved here in 1964 when he was 34 years old.  The tree in his front yard is a LARGE and looming but beautiful maple tree and it is what I look at each morning when I have my coffee.  His wife planted the tree as a seedling in 1965.  His roots here are as deep as the maple.  He is adorable and has his fair share of sad stories to add to his years but he is here and I am thankful for him to add to my list of people to care for because this man is learning how to live alone for the first time in over 62 years.  I am not alone but I feel certain symmetry with him at the present time. 

On this, the first day of school for my twins at their new Montessori School I did not do all things right.  I got them lunch packed, clothed and out the door for school and arrived on time.  I came home to my daunting list of to do’s and knocked out quite a bit. I even suffered a minor myocardial infarction as I got a little jiggy wit my new elliptical machine cause this girl is also old and slow!   As the day progressed and I prepared to be back at school on time as promised, I started numbering things in my head that needed to happen and also numbering the items I would need in my hands when I walked out the door(OCD I know but not quite far enough to be licking light plates).  I needed three things.  Keys, phone and wallet, not hard to remember right?  Keys, phone and wallet!  I rushed around the house, picked up three things and headed out the front door.  As the door closed behind me and hitting me in the ass, something felt wrong, very wrong.  

                       SHIT  SHIT   SHIT

I looked at my hands and I did in fact have three things.  Phone (always), wallet (usually) and a letter (not my keys).  Shit, I am locked out and I have little idea of where I am.  I have 10 minutes to get to school to be on time and my drive is about 13 minutes.  Screwed, not good mommy, not good.  What is that noise I hear??  It is the sound of my mommy of the year trophy falling off a shelf inside my locked house and right into the cheesecake that is in the oven!  First day of school and I have to make the total ass hat move of locking my keys inside the house.  Springing into action I call the owner of the home to see if she has a key hidden outside.  Nope.  So I call my husband to tell him what I have done and to please get our twins to after school care until I can get there…oh yeah and to see if he can come get me if my attempts to commandeer a key are unsuccessful.  He says yes but try first and then let me know.  So I run across the street, under the maple tree and to the front door of my neighbor.  He opens, invites me in and I ask if he has a key.  He says, “I think so, at least I used to so come on in and let me look.”  He goes through what seems like 100 keys only to say, “I don’t have one but I know who does so come on and I will drive you there”.  He has been here since 1964 so I don’t question this logic at all..I just assume we are going elsewhere in this good size neighborhood to someone’s house, until we turn out of our neighborhood.  It is now that I am beginning to wonder where we are going. He drives like a bat out of hell (I turn around to make sure we are not being chased because he is flying), he does not use turn signals and his left arm shakes like a paint shaker at home depot so I feel like I am in a blender.  We go a bit further and are now going away from town so I sit for a second until I have mustered the courage to ask him where we are going.  He says, “To the police department.”  I say, “really, why?”  He answers, “They will be able to let you into your house.”  Skeptical and puzzled I ask him in a very small voice, “Do they keep keys to some people’s homes at the police department here in Winston?”  His answer made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  He says, “well no but they have one of those jimmy things they use on your car so I sure they can use it on your house”!!!!!!!!!!!  I think to myself, yeah no this is not gonna work we are getting into a ranch not a sentra… so self, what are you gonna do now?  I start to imagine us pulling up at the police station and going in.  I try to explain to the desk officers that he brought me here for a key to my house (because you can always get a key to your house from the police station??? IN SEASAME STREET) and they do not believe me.  Instead they think I have kidnapped him (a much more likely story) and at gunpoint am making him drive me to his bank so he can take out all his money and give it to me!  I am new here and well, a blonde so how am I to know the police station is right next to his bank???  They think I am the first bad element to hit Winston Salem and lock me up!  My husband has to leave his new job to bust his wife out of the clink and that will not look good then we have to work with local DSS offices to get our children back!  Back to reality…how do I stop him from taking me to the police station?  I text my husband in all caps.  PLEASE LEAVE WORK AND COME LET ME IN…NEIGHBOR IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO HELP ME!  I then decide to say, oh…I have just received a text from my husband and he is on the way so we can just turn around and head home!  He says, “Well ok if you say so.”  We get back home, I thank him and I sit on my front porch for about 30 minutes freaking out at the cheesecake that I have in the oven and the fact that I did not get to school to pick up my twins on time.  This is not something they will take kindly to because they are mine and they do not like to be inconvenienced OR for the mommy to not hold up her end of the bargain!  Great, this is going to cost me a trip to Build a Bear or Toys R Us!  I would rather face down a rabid bear than face down the girl child when she aint happy or the boy child when he is disappointed.  There has GOT to be sword I can fall on out here somewhere??? 

Husband arrives and lets me in the house, cheesecake is awesome and by the way if you want to keep a cheesecake from cracking on top….cook it in a water bath!  I pee, grab a coke, bag of chips and thank the husband for letting me in.  I follow him back to school because I am the one with car seats and he has to go back to work, it is only 4pm.  I walk in, look for my twins and they are of course happy to see me.  Hugs, kisses, stories about friends made, artwork completed and a successful first day.  Whew, seems like I dodged a bullet and maybe they are not pissed at me and are willing to cut me some slack on being way late! 

I had to mention it, it was killing me I guess so… I shit in my own well!  I said, “So guys, did daddy tell you what happened to mommy and why I am late?”  My sweet son looks at me through the rear view mirror rolls his big brown eyes, bats his 10,000 brown eyelashes and in a very sarcastic voice says,  “Why yes he did mommy, he said YOU locked yourself out of the house, is THAT true?”  I felt like I all of a sudden needed a booster seat so I could see over the steering wheel.  Man kids know how to make you feel like a stupid asshole!  I answered, “Yes darling, I had so much on my mind and I missed you guys so much and wanted to hear all about your day that I rushed out and slammed the door behind me without my keys, can you believe that?  My daughter, without looking up but managing to get the eye roll in followed by the sigh of an irritated 5 year old who is rapidly approaching OVER IT says, “Mommy what kind of person locks themselves OUT of their OWN house?”  You know, I cannot argue with that kind of logic since I know exactly where she got it.

~~Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious~~

You know the tune right???

Supercalifragilisticexpealidoshus in order to forget this song I may require hypnosis! 

If I hear it anymore I will be in psychosis!! supercalifragilisticexpealidoshus.

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

Since my mom taught my twins this, it’s all they now are singing

In my house and everywhere, my ears, they are a-ringing!

Thank you mom now from the ceiling by your heels

I’m stringing

Please don’t teach them more show tunes

Or else your neck I’m wringing!

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

I drank so much last night!  Today I feel I need a casket

I love my kids to pieces but they’ve made me drop my basket

If they don’t stop this fucking song I’m going to blow a gasket

Supercali OMG a nap would be fantastic!

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

Supercalifragilisticexpealidoshus NOW the very sound of it is making me ferocious.

Anybody have good meds that I could use to dose us?

I must avoid a frantic bout of hysterical neurosis.

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

Hum diddle diddle diddle dum diddle die

So you get the point right? Well just in case...

I begged and pleaded for their help because my ears were bleeding

hearing this damn song so much, my mood had turned to seething

They replied that's FINE with us..now we'll  just sing it backwards

OMG another version! Now I must be leaving!!

Mommy OUT!

Colds and fevers, infections and the flu

I love being a mommy but tonight I am just through!

The kids devoured my nerves and daddy is home late

I’m so tired I can’t remember the last time I ate???

This dirty house needs a priest or a referee

Oh God will you send me a wife like me?

I cook and I clean and constantly wipe a nose

While someone throws a tantrum for what? God only knows.

Gimme my doll, not till you give me my book

Well mommy I punched him cause he gave me a mean look!

Well she hit me first, NO I DID NOT!

Sleep? Are you kidding me? HA what a crock!

Fixing dinner and lunches, preparing afternoon snacks

A mommy just never has time to relax!

Bathe, brush teeth and administer bedtime story

Goodnight I love you!…now for inventory

Of the rubble left behind that resembles a house

Great, a note from school…another breakout of head louse!

While surveying the mess I decide to wash clothes

HOLY SHIT I stepped on something…WHAT do you suppose?

A Lego? a Polly pocket or the littlest pet shop?

To move through this house I need a traffic cop!

I crash to the floor, cursing with pain

Jesus these toy makers are all inhumane!

Finish the dishes then empty the hamper

Wait, its late but do I hear a scamper?

Mommy my ears hurt and so does my tummy

Me too mommy my throat burns, I feel kinda crummy.

My tummy is choking (oh shit he’s gonna puke)

Oh thee infections and sickness I strongly rebuke.

I love them I do, with all my heart

But this mommy strongly needs to depart!

For just a few days and I swear I’ll come back.

I don’t need a white horse, hell I’ll take a yak.

I just don’t want to drive or cook or clean

Or hear it’s not fair or mommy you are mean.

Just take me away from the whining and diarrhea

Someplace I can rest, yeah that’s the idea.

I will go to my parents house or maybe a hotel

If I don’t get time to myself, it will be a padded cell!

But the catch 22 is, as much as we complain

When you’re a mommy you can’t shut off your brain.

You feel guilty for being tired and for leaving a mess

For someone else to clean up, who ALSO needs rest.

You worry they miss you and that they feel betrayed

Because you went out when maybe you should have stayed.

You feel it’s your job to handle all the stuff

But sometimes enough is simply enough!

You just want to sleep or shop or eat

But your mind won’t let you enjoy your retreat.

Ridiculous! You can’t even enjoy a little break

Guess it’s true you can’t eat it AND have cake???

You feel self imposed anger and guilt

And it’s weighing on top of you like a soaking wet quilt.

You pack up and go home and even though still tired

When you look at them sleeping, you feel so inspired.

Some day they will grow up and leave your nest

And then your house will look its best.

But it will be void of childish laughter and all the toys

Belonging to your little girls and boys.

You will wish for the fingerprints to wipe off the door

And for messes to clean up after them, just once more.

They will still need you but you will really need them

Without them underfoot, it’s like missing a limb.

So you leave their room and silently pray

And thank god for every single day.

At some point in the middle of the night

You realize what you feel is alright.

Mommies get tired, angry and drained

And a host of other feelings but firmly ingrained

Are the blessings that come with a charge like no other

That can only be felt when you become a mother.

 What is your

I have recently decided that I no longer want to have an ass that looks like it has been socked with a bag of hot nickles.  So that means getting off said ass and doing something about it.  God I hate exercise, I mean hate it like I hate snakes, liver and onions and the circus.  I am not one to use the word hate but son of a bitch I HATE to exercise!  It means that I have to wake up early (which pisses me off, ruins the morning of anyone around me and throws my day into a tailspin) OR take time away from my children (which I do not get much of these days) and lastly it means that I have to seriously put myself out!  I prefer to put other people out so when I have to do it to myself, it just makes me more mean and nasty.  I developed this wonderful idea because I cannot fit into much of anything in my closet and that presents a problem that brings my loving husband on board.  He kind of takes issue with me spending exorbitant amounts of money on clothes and I kind of take issue with that SO I have to lie to him.  I am not proud of this but I am also not above doing it.  At the risk of outing myself I will admit that I do what lots of other wives do....shop and shop and shop but ask the sales clerk at the last store I over indulge myself in to give me one really big ass bag.  I then combine all my purchases into that bag, throw all the other bags away and then put that bag in the trunk.  Same goes with shoes.  I have not come home with a shoe box since moses was in short pants!  For the next week or so I go to the trunk (on a completely covert, reconnaissance mission) to retrieve a new article of clothing, head upstairs with it and assimilate it into the closet until the morning.  He is usually asleep in his chair so he is none the wiser.  When this man is asleep I could have an affair with George Clooney on the couch across from him and he would never know it.  Yep, he sleeps like a dead man.  The next morning IF and I do mean IF he has the nerve to speak to me while I am getting ready, he will simply say, "that is pretty, is it new?"  to which I reply, "God no, I have had this for a while!"  Not a lie because it has been residing in my trunk so technically it is not new.  Once it crosses the 24 hour thresh hold it no longer classifies as new.  That is my story and I am sticking to it!  If he should read this post which will more than likely not happen I will simply say, "No honey I just wrote that for effect."  Which is another lie because one of the reasons I write a blog is because it is all TRUE!  All the shit I talk about really happens!  Such a strange existence I lead.  Writing a blog makes me realize that I am not strange but most everyone else IS! 

So in my closet I tried on a shirt that was so tight I was actually scared of being trapped while trying to get it off!  How the hell have I gained SO much weight that my upper body is this uncooperative?  I have big boobs (large brown eyes as we refer to them in front of our children) but the boobs were not the problem here.  I felt like a damn hunchback trying to get this shirt off.  I quickly realized that getting this shirt off was not going to end well and it was going to become one of our many garage rags.  Sucks because my mom gave this to me for mothers day 2 years ago.  I continued to try to no avail.  If I was being filmed I would have looked like Janice Vanmeter from Steel Magnolias while she was dancing at a wedding in a dress that was way to tight for a woman in her 60's.  Two pigs fighting under a blanket.  This damn thing felt like a straight jacket.  All of a sudden it happened, I heard a rip!  That was it, I had an incredible hulk moment and tore that sucker into shreds getting it off.   This was a new low because only two years ago I was in a size 2!  I don't ever want to be a size 2 again and this was not a healthy size 2 because of some major stress I was going through.  My dad died and I was working for the dick of all dicks.  A young man who was as dumb as a box of rocks but carried more drama with him than a group of high school cheerleaders and he made the life of everyone around him a living hell, including MINE.  Once the situation with my dad was over I moved onto the next thing which was quitting that jive ass job and obviously the weight started piling back on! 

So here I am having to exercise and watch what I eat again.  I prefer to watch what I eat as I eat it but we all have our crosses to bear and this is one of mine so here I go....into the world of dieters, walkers and runners.  I used to run alot.  Now I would only run if someone was chasing me!  I don't understand what the hell is wrong with all these runners and triathletes these days.  I hate over achievers.  I do however take solace in the fact that when they are in their 50's and 60's they will be facing knee replacements.  Running is an excellent way to burn fat and stress but it is really just plain stupid because long term it wreaks havoc on our bodies.  How is THAT for justification for remaining a sloth.  God I love denial.

Ok so what motivates you?  As much as I whole heatedly believe the diatribe above I still need to lose a few lbs and I need to be healthy.  I no longer smoke and I do not drink nearly as much as I would like to so my only real vice is FOOD.  SON OF A BITCH I love to eat!  When I am exercising on a regular basis I can literally eat anything I want but right now I am not exercising on a regular basis.  When I get to the top of a flight of stairs I sound like fatty fatterson, huffing and puffing and looking for the oxygen machine.  I am walking with some girls from work.  We are in all stages of shape and size.  On one of our daily 40 minute lunch walks, one of the girls shared that she had already done her bit for the day so this one was just a bonus walk.  I sneered at her and considered calling her an over achiever but she has recently had a baby so I cut her some slack and simply said " good for you!"  I also asked her what what time she walked, since we have to be at work at the crack of ASS!  She told me she got up and walked at 5am, I repeat 5AM!!!  She also said she does that 4 times a week.  If I am awake at 5am it damn well better be because someone needs to go to the hospital or worse so I asked her, "what is your motivation for that sort of ridiculousness."  She told me that she has a picture of herself from about 10 years ago that is blown up and posted several places in her house.  So torture is her motivation.  whatever works for you I guess.  She said, "you are watching what you eat and walking every day so what is YOUR motivation?"  That made me think.  I have this wonderful eating plan that can safely make me lose 2-5 pounds a week because it is a plan that combines foods that create the perfect chemical balance so you lose the weight very quickly.  When I want to lose the weight I follow that plan.  It helps if you exercise but it is not a must.  So why then am I taking my lunch hour to walk with a group of chatting women? 

                               Not us but damn it feels like it!

                Yeah baby, THIS is us.  Piss off yall, its my denial so leave me alone!

Simply put, its my children.  We were out of town one weekend and they acted in such a manner that I needed to chase them down.  I looked out of a window of the 2nd floor of the house in which we were staying (which made getting to them mean I had to go 3 floors..because they were in the back yard).  My son was wielding a damn tomato stake at my daughter like Luke Skywalker with a light saber!  She was screaming and he was chasing her.  My thoughts were, where the hell is my husband and is he DEAF because they are SCREAMING and other people are gawking at them!  I am a mommy so I can hear what they think but dammit he is sitting on the deck right above them so when is HE going to get involved, when they bring in a gun?   I was straightening my hair in front of the mirror and heard them screaming.  The house was full of children but as a mom, no matter how many kids are around you know the sound of yours!  Like Oprah from the color purple I thought to myself, Lord dats my own baby crying so I sprung into action.  When I looked out the window, I was ready to jerk a knot into my twins AND my husband.  So anyway by the time I got down to them they were now punching each other.  Here comes the motivation part.  I opened the door, went downstairs, pushed through the crowd, went outside, down another flight of stairs and then chased them through the yard.  The look on my face was one of anger and they know this face so they finally stopped.  I picked up my daughter and told my son to STAND STILL.  I carried her under my arms like a sack of potatoes up the deck stairs, gave my husband major stink eye, inside through the crowd, upstairs to the bedroom.  I set her down and started my diatribe on her.  Holy crap, I can't talk!  She is looking at me and I am out of breath.  It went something like this, "y y y you, (huff, puff, ) si si si sit still, you can can cannot act like that (huff huff puff puff)!  Oh my GOD I am out of breath.....!  She is looking at me as if to say, "come on chubby, spit it out."  She has a grin on her face.  I stop trying to speak and try to breathe!  When I can get my words together I tell her to SIT STILL, I will be right back.  I carry it one step further with the, IF YOU MOVE, YOU WILL BE SORRY.  She looks back at me like, yeah fatty, if I move the only thing that will really happen is you will need a damned ambulance to catch me!  I slowly walk down to get her brother.  I am dizzy, sweating and I think I may even puke. 

I get down to him and he is standing there just like I told him to.  I carry him upstairs in the same fashion, again passing my husband and giving him stink eye.  I hate him right now, sitting peacefully with his beer and talking to the other dads.  I get upstairs and plop him down on the bed with his sister.  I scold them about how they were acting and tell them to sit still until they can act like the aught to act!  They know what this means just as I did when my parents said it to me when I was their age.  In the south that statement carries an enormous amount of responsibility because it puts our actions right back on us!  Act like you aught to is really act like you aughta!  When you here that it means, ok no more bull shit, do the right thing!  I told them they could come out when they were ready to act like they aughta!  I went downstairs and drank a glass of water, sat down and waited for my ticker to beat like it should.  I looked like an old fat southern woman who had been out in the heat for to long.  Paper towel swabbing my face, newspaper fanning myself and drinking water like it was going out of style! 

My thought process was, damn this is ridiculous!  I cannot be this out of shape, how did this happen?  I may have told them to sit still and reminded them of why how they were acting made them look more like urchin little yard apes than the sweet children I know but in all actuality, they won.  I was completely shadoobie shattered!  If the house caught fire I could no more run out than a woman who weighed 500lbs!  I decided that it had to change.  My twins need me around and I need to be able to play with them, not just chase them down when they are not acting like the aughta!  I stopped smoking because I want to be around and not cough up a lung so I need to get off my lazy ass and take better care of myself.  As a mommy we worry more about our families health than our own.  We make sure our husbands eat right and keep their cholesterol down, make sure they go get their yearly checkups so they stay healthy, keep on them to buy more life insurance so if their tickers do jump ship we are well taken care of.  Hahahaha  had to throw that in there, I was sounding to much like a supportive wife.  Seriously though we make sure our children do not eat to much sugar, get the proper amount of sleep and exercise but we neglect ourselves.  SO my motivation is to be around for my children and my husband.  These are the people I love most in the world so it benefits me to think about what their lives would be like without me.  Although I am sure they would be happier without me bitching about the messes they make and how tired I am and how all I do is take care of other people, they would not like a world that does not include me.  To quote my husband when I almost died during the birth of our twins, "Buck up baby, this life we have doesn't work without you."  Serious pressure huh?

So I am now exercising and watching what I eat.  I am walking 40 minutes, 5 days a week and doing floor exercises that make me hate myself and just about everyone else.  My abdominal muscles hurt like hell and I am hungry!  But I look at my sweet children and I don't care!  They are my motivation to keep myself healthy and young acting.  I hope and pray that I can be around for their children as my mom is for them!  So off I go, into the wild blue yonder...well not really but into my neighborhood to walk off some of the fat that surrounds my heart and my thighs.  But dammit I don't have to like it!