The school year is drawing to an end (one more day). I am both ecstatic to be with my babies all day and scared shitless to be with my babies all day. What are we going to do all day??? They can smell fear so I know they are gonna eat me up like catfish!!! I have always worked outside the home. I hate that one don’t you? “Working outside the home,” implies that you are a gardener. Nothing wrong with a gardener but when someone says I work outside the home I want to ask them, doing what, selling lemonade, sending out emails from the front porch? I also hate the title of “working mother.” Is there any other kind? I mean really. We all know that mothers work like Hebrew slaves so as far as I am concerned, where they do it is just geography. Staying home is much harder than I ever expected and is more challenging than anything I ever encountered while in my corporate career(s). But then again, my children are a lot more intelligent than some of the people I worked for(well ok just one of the people I worked for) so they demand actual results from me rather than bullshit. Nothing like a coupling of 4 year olds to call you to the carpet for something you did or didn’t do! They forget nothing! How is that? I cannot remember where I left my keys and I don't call my husband head wound Harry for nothing but somehow they NEVER forget, even the most obscure things. “Mommy what day is it?” “It is Thursday sweetheart, all day long.” “On Saturday you told me I could take my Lego girl that rides the horse to school on Thursday and that you would find her helmet and have her ready for me, so where is she?” What? Are they doing this just to f**k with me, to see if I really suck at follow through(if I was ever capable of holding a job) or is this a bon a fide request? Lets catch mommy in a snag and see if we can make her feel old, crazy and useless, along with losing her mind first thing in the morning. She hit me with this before coffee! Not fair by any stretch, I cannot possibly solve the problems of a 4 year old before coffee. I cannot even pee before coffee and if they made me touch that oil rig before coffee, I would be the one on trial for that colossal screw up. So back to it, “Mommy, where is the Lego girl?” “Sugar, I have no idea where she is, she is your toy and I do not know what you did with her.” “Mommy, listen to my words, you told me you would find her and you didn’t so you did NOT do what you said you would! Why did you lie to me? You disappoint me mommy!” Well don’t I feel like a king size
I try to turn it around on them with my chest poked out and my tail feathers raised, pullin the mommy card! “Hey, you can’t talk to mommy like that!” To which they hit the easy button and call bullshit immediately! “Well why not, it is the truth and you say we should always speak the truth, you forgot so you let me down, you are not suppose to forget anything, YOU are the mommy.” Well damn, now I really feel like a massive
I do not respond but I do rub my head and realize it is going to be a long summer! Having twins that are smarter than I am and never having been a mommy that stays at home, I am also heading into this summer trying to lose weight. Does that sound like the perfect storm or what? I did not eat enough yesterday to keep a damn worm alive and my stomach is already licking my backbone so the mood this morning is mean with a chance of bitchiness. Like 80% chance. I just have 5-10 pounds to lose, no big deal right? It is the same pounds I keep losing and finding! So I started taking these....one with my coffee.
Well they say there are NO thermogenics in them so they should not cause a nervous feeling. So why then are my eyes bugging and why am I shaking like a paint shaker at home depot! I tried to repaint my toenails and they look like something a crazed, opium induced artist tried to do. Even considered cutting off my ear! My senses are so on edge I feel like I am tweaking! Someone speaks or moves to fast and I look at them with quick, vampire like impulses and want to bite them just for breathing. Is this stuff suppose to make you mean because God and everyone that has met me knows I don't need any assistance in that department! New idea, a friend told me he is trying a detox that his trainer says works like a charm on the last 5-10 pounds. So I think, screw the Dexatrim I will try this. Then he explains... It is 4 days… I repeat 4 days of, are you ready for this???? NOTHING TO EAT OR DRINK BUT GRAPES AND WATER!!!! WTF? is this the Cleopatra diet, no wonder that bitch was so mean! Prisoners get more than that! crime or does anything you do during these 4 days count towards an insanity plea? My tongue would fork, scales would develop, horns would pop out of my head, fangs would descend and 12-inch claws would creep from my fingertips.
I would chew apart and end the life of anything around me, just for general principle! Grapes freak me out anyway because it is one of the three foods I could eat while pregnant. Pregnant I actually resembled the creature pictured above and was about as happy. I heave when I pass grapes in the produce department. For the safely of myself and others, I think I am not going to try my friends suggestion. What to do now, work out? I have the motivation of a slug when it comes to working out to lose these final pounds. If someone poured salt on me, it would be all over! Like water on a witch! Figuring I would develop motivation if I looked at some pictures of me from college, I dug out a few. Not a CHANCE in hell you will see them posted here as a witty little illustration! All that did was piss me off because this was back when I was built like the proverbial brick shit house and had the metabolism of a meth user. 38-21-34! Close enough to perfect for me so why did it go away??? Because along with my lack of motivation I also have pangs for hunger CONSTANTLY! I love food and when I am hungry I can just about eat the ass end out of a hobby horse! I digress, as usual (why do I think I can actually come up with a short post??) So anyway, I was a late bloomer so it was really fun to actually watch my boobs grow. They grew like a damn chia pet, right before your very eyes! Literally blew through bras like shit through a tin horn! I was little in the middle but I had much top! Small waist, tiny feet..nothing grows in the shade! A real slim waist, made up face, heads turn eyes burn when she comes in the place perfume from France put ya in a trance, fly enough to mingle TO fly to dance!! ha ha old school rap anyone remember that??? Won bikini contests and all (redneck much?), that is when I got drunk enough to be dared to enter them. I used to take EVERY dare, now I am old, bitter and jaded (my way of saying seasoned, smart and sensible) so being propositioned with a dare now would just make me say, beat it you tool, if I want any shit from you I will squeeze it out of you! I have actually been drunk enough to dance, which I NEVER do because it is living proof that eventually the rhythm IS going to get you and it ain't going to be pretty! Back to the pictures, well they just made me mad and also acutely aware the only way I would ever look like the girl in the pictures again is if I had surgery, Joan Rivers style surgery! Not going to happen so I am actually thinking of trying the grape thing. Tune in here later (or check the news for murders, or newspapers in the obituaries) to see how it goes! And for the love of all things holy, pray for me this summer in regard to my stay at home status!
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