What is your

I have recently decided that I no longer want to have an ass that looks like it has been socked with a bag of hot nickles.  So that means getting off said ass and doing something about it.  God I hate exercise, I mean hate it like I hate snakes, liver and onions and the circus.  I am not one to use the word hate but son of a bitch I HATE to exercise!  It means that I have to wake up early (which pisses me off, ruins the morning of anyone around me and throws my day into a tailspin) OR take time away from my children (which I do not get much of these days) and lastly it means that I have to seriously put myself out!  I prefer to put other people out so when I have to do it to myself, it just makes me more mean and nasty.  I developed this wonderful idea because I cannot fit into much of anything in my closet and that presents a problem that brings my loving husband on board.  He kind of takes issue with me spending exorbitant amounts of money on clothes and I kind of take issue with that SO I have to lie to him.  I am not proud of this but I am also not above doing it.  At the risk of outing myself I will admit that I do what lots of other wives do....shop and shop and shop but ask the sales clerk at the last store I over indulge myself in to give me one really big ass bag.  I then combine all my purchases into that bag, throw all the other bags away and then put that bag in the trunk.  Same goes with shoes.  I have not come home with a shoe box since moses was in short pants!  For the next week or so I go to the trunk (on a completely covert, reconnaissance mission) to retrieve a new article of clothing, head upstairs with it and assimilate it into the closet until the morning.  He is usually asleep in his chair so he is none the wiser.  When this man is asleep I could have an affair with George Clooney on the couch across from him and he would never know it.  Yep, he sleeps like a dead man.  The next morning IF and I do mean IF he has the nerve to speak to me while I am getting ready, he will simply say, "that is pretty, is it new?"  to which I reply, "God no, I have had this for a while!"  Not a lie because it has been residing in my trunk so technically it is not new.  Once it crosses the 24 hour thresh hold it no longer classifies as new.  That is my story and I am sticking to it!  If he should read this post which will more than likely not happen I will simply say, "No honey I just wrote that for effect."  Which is another lie because one of the reasons I write a blog is because it is all TRUE!  All the shit I talk about really happens!  Such a strange existence I lead.  Writing a blog makes me realize that I am not strange but most everyone else IS! 

So in my closet I tried on a shirt that was so tight I was actually scared of being trapped while trying to get it off!  How the hell have I gained SO much weight that my upper body is this uncooperative?  I have big boobs (large brown eyes as we refer to them in front of our children) but the boobs were not the problem here.  I felt like a damn hunchback trying to get this shirt off.  I quickly realized that getting this shirt off was not going to end well and it was going to become one of our many garage rags.  Sucks because my mom gave this to me for mothers day 2 years ago.  I continued to try to no avail.  If I was being filmed I would have looked like Janice Vanmeter from Steel Magnolias while she was dancing at a wedding in a dress that was way to tight for a woman in her 60's.  Two pigs fighting under a blanket.  This damn thing felt like a straight jacket.  All of a sudden it happened, I heard a rip!  That was it, I had an incredible hulk moment and tore that sucker into shreds getting it off.   This was a new low because only two years ago I was in a size 2!  I don't ever want to be a size 2 again and this was not a healthy size 2 because of some major stress I was going through.  My dad died and I was working for the dick of all dicks.  A young man who was as dumb as a box of rocks but carried more drama with him than a group of high school cheerleaders and he made the life of everyone around him a living hell, including MINE.  Once the situation with my dad was over I moved onto the next thing which was quitting that jive ass job and obviously the weight started piling back on! 

So here I am having to exercise and watch what I eat again.  I prefer to watch what I eat as I eat it but we all have our crosses to bear and this is one of mine so here I go....into the world of dieters, walkers and runners.  I used to run alot.  Now I would only run if someone was chasing me!  I don't understand what the hell is wrong with all these runners and triathletes these days.  I hate over achievers.  I do however take solace in the fact that when they are in their 50's and 60's they will be facing knee replacements.  Running is an excellent way to burn fat and stress but it is really just plain stupid because long term it wreaks havoc on our bodies.  How is THAT for justification for remaining a sloth.  God I love denial.

Ok so what motivates you?  As much as I whole heatedly believe the diatribe above I still need to lose a few lbs and I need to be healthy.  I no longer smoke and I do not drink nearly as much as I would like to so my only real vice is FOOD.  SON OF A BITCH I love to eat!  When I am exercising on a regular basis I can literally eat anything I want but right now I am not exercising on a regular basis.  When I get to the top of a flight of stairs I sound like fatty fatterson, huffing and puffing and looking for the oxygen machine.  I am walking with some girls from work.  We are in all stages of shape and size.  On one of our daily 40 minute lunch walks, one of the girls shared that she had already done her bit for the day so this one was just a bonus walk.  I sneered at her and considered calling her an over achiever but she has recently had a baby so I cut her some slack and simply said " good for you!"  I also asked her what what time she walked, since we have to be at work at the crack of ASS!  She told me she got up and walked at 5am, I repeat 5AM!!!  She also said she does that 4 times a week.  If I am awake at 5am it damn well better be because someone needs to go to the hospital or worse so I asked her, "what is your motivation for that sort of ridiculousness."  She told me that she has a picture of herself from about 10 years ago that is blown up and posted several places in her house.  So torture is her motivation.  whatever works for you I guess.  She said, "you are watching what you eat and walking every day so what is YOUR motivation?"  That made me think.  I have this wonderful eating plan that can safely make me lose 2-5 pounds a week because it is a plan that combines foods that create the perfect chemical balance so you lose the weight very quickly.  When I want to lose the weight I follow that plan.  It helps if you exercise but it is not a must.  So why then am I taking my lunch hour to walk with a group of chatting women? 

                               Not us but damn it feels like it!

                Yeah baby, THIS is us.  Piss off yall, its my denial so leave me alone!

Simply put, its my children.  We were out of town one weekend and they acted in such a manner that I needed to chase them down.  I looked out of a window of the 2nd floor of the house in which we were staying (which made getting to them mean I had to go 3 floors..because they were in the back yard).  My son was wielding a damn tomato stake at my daughter like Luke Skywalker with a light saber!  She was screaming and he was chasing her.  My thoughts were, where the hell is my husband and is he DEAF because they are SCREAMING and other people are gawking at them!  I am a mommy so I can hear what they think but dammit he is sitting on the deck right above them so when is HE going to get involved, when they bring in a gun?   I was straightening my hair in front of the mirror and heard them screaming.  The house was full of children but as a mom, no matter how many kids are around you know the sound of yours!  Like Oprah from the color purple I thought to myself, Lord dats my own baby crying so I sprung into action.  When I looked out the window, I was ready to jerk a knot into my twins AND my husband.  So anyway by the time I got down to them they were now punching each other.  Here comes the motivation part.  I opened the door, went downstairs, pushed through the crowd, went outside, down another flight of stairs and then chased them through the yard.  The look on my face was one of anger and they know this face so they finally stopped.  I picked up my daughter and told my son to STAND STILL.  I carried her under my arms like a sack of potatoes up the deck stairs, gave my husband major stink eye, inside through the crowd, upstairs to the bedroom.  I set her down and started my diatribe on her.  Holy crap, I can't talk!  She is looking at me and I am out of breath.  It went something like this, "y y y you, (huff, puff, ) si si si sit still, you can can cannot act like that (huff huff puff puff)!  Oh my GOD I am out of breath.....!  She is looking at me as if to say, "come on chubby, spit it out."  She has a grin on her face.  I stop trying to speak and try to breathe!  When I can get my words together I tell her to SIT STILL, I will be right back.  I carry it one step further with the, IF YOU MOVE, YOU WILL BE SORRY.  She looks back at me like, yeah fatty, if I move the only thing that will really happen is you will need a damned ambulance to catch me!  I slowly walk down to get her brother.  I am dizzy, sweating and I think I may even puke. 

I get down to him and he is standing there just like I told him to.  I carry him upstairs in the same fashion, again passing my husband and giving him stink eye.  I hate him right now, sitting peacefully with his beer and talking to the other dads.  I get upstairs and plop him down on the bed with his sister.  I scold them about how they were acting and tell them to sit still until they can act like the aught to act!  They know what this means just as I did when my parents said it to me when I was their age.  In the south that statement carries an enormous amount of responsibility because it puts our actions right back on us!  Act like you aught to is really act like you aughta!  When you here that it means, ok no more bull shit, do the right thing!  I told them they could come out when they were ready to act like they aughta!  I went downstairs and drank a glass of water, sat down and waited for my ticker to beat like it should.  I looked like an old fat southern woman who had been out in the heat for to long.  Paper towel swabbing my face, newspaper fanning myself and drinking water like it was going out of style! 

My thought process was, damn this is ridiculous!  I cannot be this out of shape, how did this happen?  I may have told them to sit still and reminded them of why how they were acting made them look more like urchin little yard apes than the sweet children I know but in all actuality, they won.  I was completely shadoobie shattered!  If the house caught fire I could no more run out than a woman who weighed 500lbs!  I decided that it had to change.  My twins need me around and I need to be able to play with them, not just chase them down when they are not acting like the aughta!  I stopped smoking because I want to be around and not cough up a lung so I need to get off my lazy ass and take better care of myself.  As a mommy we worry more about our families health than our own.  We make sure our husbands eat right and keep their cholesterol down, make sure they go get their yearly checkups so they stay healthy, keep on them to buy more life insurance so if their tickers do jump ship we are well taken care of.  Hahahaha  had to throw that in there, I was sounding to much like a supportive wife.  Seriously though we make sure our children do not eat to much sugar, get the proper amount of sleep and exercise but we neglect ourselves.  SO my motivation is to be around for my children and my husband.  These are the people I love most in the world so it benefits me to think about what their lives would be like without me.  Although I am sure they would be happier without me bitching about the messes they make and how tired I am and how all I do is take care of other people, they would not like a world that does not include me.  To quote my husband when I almost died during the birth of our twins, "Buck up baby, this life we have doesn't work without you."  Serious pressure huh?

So I am now exercising and watching what I eat.  I am walking 40 minutes, 5 days a week and doing floor exercises that make me hate myself and just about everyone else.  My abdominal muscles hurt like hell and I am hungry!  But I look at my sweet children and I don't care!  They are my motivation to keep myself healthy and young acting.  I hope and pray that I can be around for their children as my mom is for them!  So off I go, into the wild blue yonder...well not really but into my neighborhood to walk off some of the fat that surrounds my heart and my thighs.  But dammit I don't have to like it!

What are you having?

Normal question or boneheaded intrusive question?  Well, that all depends on whether you are ordering a meal or having a baby.  

I was ordering lunch the other day (of course I was at the downtown chic-fil-a AGAIN...lately I see some pretty interesting things while trying to do something as simple as ordering daily sustenance) when a person in front of me that was a cross between a girl and a woman turned to the side to look out the window.  I thought to myself, wow wonder when she is due?  She had a considerable sized tummy on her and was holding her back the way a woman does when she has a bun in the oven that is pulling on ligaments and straining her back and making her just overall uncomfortable.  She looked like breathing was no easy task at the moment either.  Having been both pregnant and asked 5 million questions about said pregnancy as well as having the S H I T embarrassed out of myself for asking a boneheaded intrusive question, I knew better than to ask her when she was due.  However, the middle aged woman in line behind me did not know better.  Not only did she say something but she reached out her hand to touch the girl.  Leave it to a nosey, poorly educated, dumb ass to take it over the limit.  I learned A LONG time ago that unless you see a friggin baby CROWNING, you simply DO NOT ask questions!  Folks, there is always that outside chance that she is not pregnant, she is just as fat as a pig!  Thoughts are free, keep your pie hole shut, look at the ground and if you absolutely have to be jovial and say something, for God’s sake just comment on what a lovely day we are having, YES even if you are standing in the eye of a damn hurricane or its 20 below outside!

When this girl turned to the side, therefore exposing her swollen belly the lady behind me stepped out of line, reached her hand out (OMG I still have trouble believing that happens) and placed it on the tummy of the girl and said, “Oh honey what are you having?”  I stiffened my back, clinched my teeth together and just waited, knowing this could go either way.  The girl looked at this woman in utter amazement!  Her eyes were wide, her mouth was open and she was obviously SO embarrassed.  She did not know what to say or do.  ( Holy Shit where is my magic wand..I need to make her disappear and turn this old woman into a newt) There were about 4 or 5 people in line that were looking at this poor girl like she was E. F Hutton!  I was so embarrassed for her that I was struggling for something to say or for a hole to open up in the floor and suck me down into it!  She looked at our faces for what seemed like an eternity, it was like everything switched to slow motion.  Her eyes welled up with big ole crazy tears, she dropped her arms and shoulders then took off!  It happened so fast I must have made that Chester Cheetos sound when I shook my head, she turned on her heels and was outta there!  Fine by me, that just meant I was one person closer to the front.  I see strange shit all the time, bummer for the chubby girl but time to move on, I am starving!  The woman actually looked at the man beside me and said, “Do you think what I said made her leave?”  He just shrugged his shoulders, so she looked at me.  I wanted to call her an insensitive idiot and tell her to shut up until it was her turn to order but I decided to refrain from that.  In a very sarcastic voice I said, “Come on now are you serious?”  “Unless you are completely new, you are aware that you should NEVER ask someone if they are pregnant unless you can see a head hanging out!”  “But I suppose now you know she wasn’t pregnant right?”  To which she replied, “Well I guess, but she sure looked pregnant to me.”  There was no comment immediately available for that level of logic.

The last straw

I will never, and I repeat never ask anyone if they are pregnant.  I don’t care if I am giving her a ride to the hospital while she is screaming her head off with contraction pain starting to deliver in my car, I am not going to do it and here is why!  I was at a party years back and although I had been somewhat over served by a handsome and heavy handed bartender, I still did not exercise good judgment when I asked someone that incredibly piss poor etiquette, none of my business and totally all up in your grill question of, “So you have been married forever, when are you all going to have a baby?”  I think I was the last straw, the one that broke the proverbial camels back!  She looked at me and said, “I can’t have children, I was born without reproductive organs.”  She offered no other words, nothing to make me more comfortable or to make me feel like less of an asshole!  She just left it hanging out there with me looking at her as if to say, “well aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”  She then looked at me like I was the biggest

And trust me I felt like one!  She walked away and so did I.  I don’t know where she went but I went straight to the bar, ordered another scotch and water and tried to drown in it!  I thought about it for a while and really, I was not trying to offend her, I really didn't care whether she had children or not so why did I ask?  Why does anyone ask?  It just seems like the thing to do right?  Boy I picked a good one to bug!  How the hell could I have known she was born without plumbing?  It’s not as if it were flashing on her forehead like the ticker at the bottom of the TV screen.  Hell at the time, I thought all married people were asked that once they got hitched, adding more people to the world is the next logical step right?  We crossed paths several more times that night and one of them made me feel compelled to stick my foot in my mouth again.  I said, “I am so sorry if I offended you, I really meant no harm I was just wondering when you were going to have kids, and I had no idea you couldn’t”  “I hope I was not insensitive, I am very sorry.”  She broke a tiny smile. (whew, something from her to make me feel better….thank GOD)  she then said, “No I am sorry, I should have been a bit nicer about it, you were not doing anything that anyone else hasn’t done it’s just that I am SO tired of that question and I guess you were the last straw.”  “I should not have been so hard on you and then just walked away so I am sorry.”  Great, so I offended her and now she is going to try to make ME feel better.  Yep, I am an incorrigible asshole or is that she is just really nice?  She told me that she and several of the women in her family were born without reproductive organs and that some had opted for adoption but others had not and they were very sad not to have any children yet.  She again said, “I am sorry to have been rude to you, after all, it is not something you would just know unless I told you.”  I said, “Hey, I appreciate your apology but you do not owe me one, I actually should thank you because you just taught me a valuable lesson.”  I have seen her a handful of times over the years and have no idea if she has ever adopted children or not.  You bet your ass I am not going to ask either. 

The lesson I learned was that it is none of my or any one's business when a couple is going to have children, what is taking them so long or why they have not started!  Just because the answer was not obvious did not give me a right to ask.  We do not know the circumstances around such a decision and the question can often times be a very painful one.  Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with choosing NOT to have children.  Society just refuses to get that one!  Lord knows I got what was coming to me because when I got marred the barrage of questions started and continued until I was about to pop with twins.  Then it continued with what are you having and how many?  Another thing, I had so many women AND men walk up and attempt to touch my stomach or ask me if they could.  What is that all about???  I finally snapped one day and said, “Hell no you can’t touch my stomach, can I touch your bald spot???”  “NO” I started looking like Mr. Miagi doing the wax on wax off stance to idiots trying to touch me.  I still don’t know why people want to touch a pregnant woman’s belly.  For God’s sake we are carrying ordinary babies not the Messiah and we are not Buddha’s!

I will end with a funny that happened to me when I was pregnant.  It is also proof that I don’t notice pregnant people unless they fall on me and I preferred to not be noticed when I was pregnant.  Not noticing me as a pregnant person was next to impossible because I was such a little troll.  I was miserable, in pain and hated being pregnant every single second!  I was lucky enough to only gain weight in my tummy but this also made moving around a bit of a challenge because my belly was HUGE.  I went on bed rest the last 9 weeks and when I left the house it was with help to a wheel chair.  Troll City man, it was horrible.  When I hear someone say “Oh I looovvvved being pregnant.”  It makes me want to snap their neck!  I love my twins more than anything in this world but I hated being pregnant with them.  They were parasites that tried to kill me and almost did.  That Duggar woman that has had something like 18 babies, wow...I don't think she will be happy until her uterus falls out while shopping for groceries to feed her army but she says she loves being pregnant. 

                                   OMG can you imagine?  Gratuitous use of the uterus!

Anyway....we were at the hospital for our tour of the Maternity ward.  Big snooze fest and not something I enjoyed at all.  Honestly I was scared to death and cannot remember much about it at all except that it was sterile, cold and everyone in there was rushing around or breathing heavy with pained looks on their faces.  All the dads looked beat tired and the moms looked worse!  YIKES, are we in Hotel California???  Get me out of here!! The entire time I was in the hospital when I had my twins my husband would ask me, “do you remember seeing this?”  “Do you remember seeing that?”  I have often wished he could have been the pregnant one, he would have done it with much more grace and dignity than I did.  Anyway, after the tour we went to the cafeteria for one of my favorite meals.  This hospital has the best cafeteria food, seriously it is the bomb!  They have the best grilled cheese and French fries in the world and believe me, when I was pregnant I was there enough to know!  My husband wheeled me over to the sneeze guard at the buffet so I could look at all the food I was not going to order.  I already knew what I wanted.  I was peering in looking at all the food and I heard a female voice beside me say something to me.  It took a minute to register that she was talking to me.  My husband said, “Honey, she asked you a question.”  I looked up from my wheelchair at her and she said, “what are you having?”  I then looked at her like she had a snake on her head and said, “a grilled cheese and French fries WHY?”  She and my husband started laughing and she pointed to my belly and said, “No I mean”  I said, “Oh, I am hungry and that was not on my radar, twins a boy and a girl.”  She had a hard time believing it was not on my radar when you could have set up a canasta board on my stomach but she let it go.  I went on to ignore her and waited impatiently for my grilled cheese and fries, we ate it and went home and one month later I was back there having twins and more grilled cheese and fries.  Good times!

-

I’m just sayin…..

While waiting in line at Chic-fil-a, I was shocked by what I saw.  There was a girl in line a few people ahead of me.  She had a great and colorful tattoo of a butterfly on the back of her neck.  It was very pretty and tastefully done.  When she gets older and enters the work force she can simply wear her hair down if she so chooses and no one will know its there.   I am not a fan of ink (for myself) but I have always said if I were to get a tattoo, it would be either on the back of my neck or on my backside and it would probably be a butterfly.  The woman with the tattoo was not the shocking thing.  It was the lady directly in front of me that was taking serious issue with the girl with the butterfly tattoo.  She went on and on about how tacky it was to get a tattoo and how young people today were all just “trashy”.  I agree that there is a lot of trashy out there but this girl was not trashy, just young and expressing herself with a beautiful tattoo of a butterfly.  The woman went on for about 5 minutes with the person she was standing in line with.  She had one of the southern accents that even southerners talk about being horrible. The kind that makes you scratch your head at why SHE is talking about trashy because you KNOW when the chips are down, she KNOWS trashy very well.  I'm talkin crawls into bed with dirty feet trashy, my baby daddy trashy (although not in her case, she was old), paints over chipped toenail polish trashy, meth lab in her neighborhood kind of trashy.  You know, the accent that says I come from circus people from the wrong side of the tracks.  She sounded like she could not hardly wait to get through line so she could go outside and burn a cigarette.  People around us were getting a little irritated with her diatribe.  Believe it or not, I kept my mouth shut although I was secretly dreaming of jumping the counter, grabbing a piece of piping hot chicken and shoving it down the hatch of her big ass mouth in an effort to take one for the team and shut her up!   I cleared my throat the way folks do when they are irritated and I was all ready to give her stink eye when she turned to look at me.  Enter the shocking part.  When she turned around to look at me I almost turned to stone.  She had the biggest, brightest eyebrows in all the free world, and guess what?  THEY WERE TATTOOED ON!!!!!! This old bitch, complaining about a tattoo and she had two of um...on her damn face!!!!   First of all, what hit me was the ugly face of this woman, instead of wasting her money on tattooed eyebrows she should have had them tattoo the face of Cindy Crawford on her to cover up hers.  All I could focus on were the reddish brown arches she had inked into her face.  She looked like a walking representative for McDonald's!  The audacity of this woman to talk smack about the girl with the tattoo when she had two of them on her forehead!  I would have gladly taken the butterfly over the auburn arches.  You be the judge.

                 This?               

                  Or this?                  

 Should make you think of burgers NOT eyebrows

                           

I simply do not understand the concept of tattooing your eyebrows.  I know as we age or have health complications things like eyebrows falling out becomes a reality.  Our eyebrows are one of the few things that actually thin as we age..isn't it ironic, don't cha think?  Is there something wrong with using an eyebrow pencil to fill them in to give them definition?   Or is filling them in with a pencil the pre-cursor to tattooing?  I think its ugly as hell when they are colored in to heavily also but my god at least you can wash that off at night!  Tattooing eyebrows may look good on women of color but white women with pasty white skin, NO NO NO!  I have never seen this done on a woman where it looks natural. 

 

Case and Point

But also wrong on many levels

I am sorry but it just looks like a toddler got hold of a sharpie and went to work on the forehead of a woman scared to get old.  My eyebrows are thin also and I am now a blond so I take blond eyeliner pencil and color them a tad bit just so they do not look so thin, well and to cover up the gray ones that creep in.  I DO NOT use that eyeliner to draw a line further than the eyebrow actually exists.  I find myself looking in a mirror several times before I leave the house JUST to make sure my eyebrows are not so prominent that they enter a room 30 seconds before I do.  People should notice the entire face, not just one item on the face.  I cannot look anyone in the eye that has tattooed eyebrows.  I feel like its all I am looking at and it honestly makes me feel like I am going to turn into a pillar of salt.  I am not saying that every set of tattooed eyebrows is unattractive, I am just saying I have never seen any that were attractive enough to look normal or make me rush out and spend $450 to get a set.  If you think I am lying, ask a man what he thinks (not that it really matters, we don't do it for them anyway).  If you can find one that will talk about it, good luck getting him to tell you the truth until you get a few beers in him.  The ones I have asked (didn't want to be named of course) say they do not understand why we pluck the shit out of them and then color them on, honestly neither do I.  Men do stupid stuff too, especially when they are going through a midlife crisis.  They buy sports cars, wear all black clothing, turtlenecks and douse themselves in tons of cologne.  They hang out at bars again, comb their hair over a growing bald spot, cavort with younger women and eat Viagra like candy until their ticker jumps ship or they realize they are just old and settle down before the next heart attack.  Anyway, back to women... The way we decorate our faces should enhance our beauty not detract from it.  I am the first to admit that when you see me without make up you KNOW God invented it for a reason but damn people, its make up, not war paint!  

 

Speaking of getting old, one of the reason’s I am a bit scared to get old is because beauty will eventually betray us all as wrinkles and oldness set in.  Society doesn’t really teach us how to age gracefully, but rather how to go see a surgeon to delay it with ink, nips and tucks.  Once women start having “work done” they seem to lose perspective on when enough is enough.  Its like they are stuck in this parallel universe where they think no one is aware they are having procedures done and they somehow think they look normal to us.  Really?  Is this normal?

                 This was normal                   

              Damn                     

              Sweet Jesus                       

                THIS may be the one that made her daughter beg her to STOP!

       

        She had so much surgery her husband split because

her looks made him physically ILL!

I think she wants to be a cat.

Men do it too!

 Not scared of getting old.  Scared of getting black.

                   

When the gambler had a good hand.

FOLD

I digress but seriously, WTF?

 foam AND sausage fingers!

I have always said that I will do just about anything to my face such as, spend an exorbitant amount of money on creams, serums, oxygen blasts, botox and peels but it stops there.  NO surgery.  Partly because I am chicken shit and do not have a high threshold for pain but also because I am scared I will look like a sad woman afraid to get old. 

 

Used to be adorable

Now the joker from Batman

Used to be gorgeous

Now old and overly injected

There are those eyebrows again

Hi, I could suck a golf ball through

a garden hose!

Its not just Hollywood that has lost their mind and gone surgery crazy.  We have women here that have done it also.  I would love to put pictures of them in here because damn all I would have to do is scan through my face book pages but I have to live here so I will not sell anyone out.  I am just sayin at some point we need to just allow ourselves to get old and stop trying to cover it up by injecting fat from other parts of our body into our face.  We see you and we remember what you looked like one or two husbands ago and we think you just look silly now, well and old but its ok it happens to all of us.   Back to the eyebrows, I guess that is a live and let live thing but you KNOW I have an opinion on it..and in the grand scheme of what folks do to their faces it could probably be worse.

I'm just sayin.....

Oh Charlie welcome aboard the crazy train, please take your seat beside Mel.  Your server's Lindsay and Christina will be right by with your in flight beverage.  The debacle that is Charlie Sheen is really just typical Hollywood bullshit.  Self absorbed and overpaid narcissistic blowholes that have more money than brain cells and can’t seem to hold themselves to the simple standards that are required by the rest of us.  You know, nothing major just show up for work everyday SOBER, don’t diddle or hang out with hookers and porn stars if you are married and go home every night to take care of the family that YOU created (I think I would take issue with an ex model and ex porn star "being there" to take care of my twins when "I can't be there")!!!  Let's add that you should TRY not to chase your wife around Aspen with a butcher knife and put the homemade crack pipe down while your kids are even in the same zip code with you.  I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I had decided he was out of his tree long before he said, “They picked a fight with a warlock!” 

                                  Warlock?  Sure

                                   Warlock?  No Crazy?  Sure thing.  WTF is on his arm?

But even I can admit the warlock comment was pretty damn funny.  More funny, were the jokes the radio hosts were making along with the folks calling in.  It made for a nice 30 minute commute from home to work.  He has no clue what a joke he has become but I guess that is one of the beautiful benefits of being as crazy as a shit house rat.  I really liked the Tiger blood part also.

                                    This Tiger?

                                    Or this Tiger?

There are things about the Sheen machine that shock me.  It is not so shocking that he is being called a marketing genius, I mean some of the best and funniest products and material come out of crazy diatribes.  If I owned a business and could come up with a funny commercial or something to make some money and sell my product by bastardizing his situation I would do it.  I think that falls in line with riding that pony till the buzzer goes off.  Use him up!  

                                 Nectar of the Goddess

What REALLY shocks me are the dudes that are calling him their HERO?  WTF?  Hero, really?  These comments are coming from men that I have previously considered intelligent.  I have actually seen it written on Facebook (paraphrasing a bit) in reference to this ass hat.  I feel so sorry for you Charlie, praying for you Sheen, you are still my hero, sending you a fist pump man.  Funniest man alive, I love you man, you are a dudes hero.  Seriously W T F?   Being in the Heidi Fleiss black book, making a few good movies, staring in a sit-com and screwing porn stars makes you a hero?  I got nothin.  I think like a dude on lots of occasions, more than I think like a woman actually but Angelina is not my hero because she boinks Brad Pitt and I don’t think there was ever a chick who gave a fist pump to another chick for banging John Holmes like a screen door in a hurricane!  When the brotha came down with the HIV I am willing to bet folks dropped off his pecker train just about as fast as they will Charlie once the news stops helping his career by talking about him.  

                                     HERO'S

                                     TV Show about Hero's

                                    Superhero's

                                    Depending on how you pronounce it.

                                    Dead porn star who thought he was a hero

                                     Lucky bitch but not my hero

                                     Does your hero have a mug shot?

 Family man leaving a lot to be desired.

This is where I think like a woman. Guess I should say here that I would feel the same way if a woman were acting the way Mr. Sheen is acting and in Hollywood right now, there are a couple of them.

          Carry on you wayward daughter....  not a wife or a mommy.

                        No longer a wife but still a mommy.

 If you are going to get married and start a family then it is time you pull you head out of your ass and take care of your responsibilities!  Get and keep a job, one that has insurance and enables you to pay your bills.  If one job doesn’t do it, get two.  Once you have obtained gainful employment, try not to get fired. To my knowledge Hollywood has not had the same problem with lower salaries and filings for unemployment that most of the rest of the country has right?  My point, there are a lot of us hungry with bills piling up and kids growing up needing things so if you have a family that loves you, needs you and a sweet job grossing millions then WTF is your problem with holding it together???    As usual I digress, someone should remind him, he chose to get married and chose to have kids (whether she talked him into it or not) now lay off the drugs, crack whores and porn stars and take care of them.  Hell I don’t know, maybe someone did remind him of that but he doesn’t want any help from his friends or family because he doesn’t want to be treated like a 12 year old…..SO STOP ACTING LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD.  In my book he is just a selfish little rich boy that has been given way to much credit that doesn’t see any need for change so he is just going to continue being that way until the rest of us climb on board.  He is really giving a new definition to the word selfish.  Webster should put an entry in when you look up selfish that says See Charlie Sheen.  How gallant of him to start to care about his co-stars now (with little to no mention of his family or his parenting skills).  I got a kick out of the snakes in the head jibber jabber he says in one of the interviews.  “I am going to win, it’s not about me right now, I am not going to stop until everyone on my team is paid for the full season, and it’s not about me right now.”  Really?  When during the course of your career has it not been about you?  In fact, it is SO not about you right now that you have decided when your sit-com starts up again (HA) that you should be paid 3 million per episode instead of 1.8.  I guess hospitals and hookers ain't as cheap as they used to be.  I would love to see the look on my bosses face if I lost her millions in revenue and then spattered some anti Semitic shit about her RIGHT before I told her I wanted a raise, a 1.2 million dollar raise.  It is a good thing Charlie is as nutty as a Christmas fruitcake because if he wasn’t…. he would have to be rocking down a pair of nuts the size of basketballs.

Ride that pony till the buzzer goes off.

The part of me that thinks like a dude (live and let live) but reacts like a woman (mess with my money and my family and I will shank you) says, buddy you are making me rich with your famous name and your reputation for being a dick head so I don’t care if you do so much cocaine that you can run a tissue between one nostril and the other or drink until you puke up chunks of your liver.  You can pork porn starts until your dick falls off and screw your nanny while your children watch, do lines off their high chair tray and drink vodka out of their Sippy cups.  You can shake a butcher knife at your wife or cut her damn head off for all I care UNTIL you start screwing up the lifestyle that I have become accustom to because I have been riding your fame and fortune pony.  Yep once I hear the buzzer go off, I’m hoping off that pony and onto another gravy train.  As far as his wife, there are some things that prevent me from being a stand by your man kind of woman.  Embarrassing me to the level that he has embarrassed his family, calling me a bad mommy when you have been known for drugs and women, mmmm hmmmm beat it asshole, I will find someone else!  Yeah, yeah I know she is a crack head also but I'm just sayin...  From the perspective of his co-stars, I hope they have already been dogging their agents to find them a new gig.  Again, I am no mental genius but after his first stint in rehab I would have realized Bruh Rabbit was gonna go right back to that briar patch.  Most of them, with exception of the ½ man part of the sit-com, have been famous on some level for at least 20 years so shame on them if they have not saved or invested well.  But like I said, I will be damned if I would show him any support.  They have writers and funny people on the payroll, there must be somebody that can write him out and someone more attractive and more funny into his place.  Is he so popular because of his life on the show or because of how he lives his actual life?  If it is a combination of the two they could always replace him with George Clooney.  I don’t know about hero but he comes pretty damn close to rock star status as far as I am concerned!  All these dumb asses get married over and over again but not him.  He is good looking and an admitted womanizer that was so bad at marriage the only vow he is willing to take is to never do it again.  I remember thinking, when Tiger Woods had his stir in the media for sleeping with everyone BUT his wife, why don’t all men who love to sleep with a lot of women just stay single?  I.E George Clooney, now there is a smart man.  Loves um and leaves um without the drawn out Hollywood legal battles and all the drama.   I mean I cannot find a lot wrong with dating someone and treating them amazingly well until you are just not into them anymore.  When that time comes just move on.  Babe it’s been real and it’s been fun but it hasn’t been real fun so now Imma have to drop you like a bad habit.  That is certainly the way I would do it if I ever found myself single again.  We can date forevah if all goes well but don’t be bringing your toothbrush to my house and don’t ask to stay longer than the shelf life of the average cold cut.  I will consider you like black forest ham, three days after you are sliced from the bone, if there is any left I will have to throw you out for something fresher.  Yep I would consider Charlie a washed up loser, deadbeat dad, piss poor employee, total embarrassment of a son and a worthless husband.  With any luck, the fat lady is singing for him and his buzzer is going off because I KNOW I am tired of seeing is ass on my TV.  

                                   Kissing his career goodbye?  Only time will tell.