A Uterus walks into a bar

My uterus is GONE but the pain is still here

I HATE my medication I would rather have a beer.

Narcotics give me hives and make me all stoned

I am SO unattractive when I snarl, drool and moan.

The pills dull the pain but I am utterly frustrated

Because more than they help, they make me constipated!

I need an enema, a suppository or a stick of dynamite

And I will need a priest and a prayer if I don’t shit tonight!

My stomach is HUGE!  I look 6 months knocked up

It hurts when I cough, puke, sneeze or hiccup!

Doc says, “Its just air, so don’t be dismayed”

REALLY?  Cause I look like a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

The gas pains are ungodly and I am as mean as a snake

If someone were to anger me I would burn them at the stake.

This shit is ridiculous and my temper is high

I could kick anyone’s ass, bare minimum make him or her cry

Granted, Nothing I do is easy and it all comes in layers

Seems surgery wasn’t enough, this game needed more players.

SOOOO my son develops a virus and his throat begins to ache

While dealing with all this our air conditioning decides to break.

Surgery, NO AIR, and a sick child in this heat?

Really??  OK Uncle, I give up, I admit defeat!

I can’t take much more I am liable to snap!

My God it’s been 8 days please allow me to crap!

Can’t they create a medication that will kill the pain?

Make you nice AND loopy but also clean out your drain?

And the kids…. well mine are awesome but I will commit hara kiri

If I have to endure one more episode of Tom and Jerry!

I have allowed entirely TO MUCH TV

In an effort to make them stop questioning me!

Why do you feel bad? Mommy tell me what is wrong?

Why is your tummy big, can I sing you a song?

When will you feel better?  Mommy where is my new fire truck?

Why are you walking funny, why did you just whisper fuuuuccck?

Everyone says I will feel better when this all settles down

When? Once my insides stop sloshing around?

They were moved and tugged and pulled and plucked,

Squeezed, tied and cut then pushed around and tucked.

I woke up with stitches, bruises and scars

My nurses were wonderful ... except for the gay one, he was a tsar!  (That bitch!!)

I puked and screamed, cried and bitched

I am not a nice patient, many a fit I have pitched!

It sucks sometimes being a woman and NO man would survive

The hell we go through, such as massive monthly bleeding and still staying alive.

To my 14 day periods, I bid you adieu

Your bullshit and visits, I simply outgrew.

All done with your PMS, cramping, bloating and bad moods

And birth control just MY responsibility? Well now that’s always been rude!

Goodbye pads and tampons, pamprin and drama

But can you give me a few years before you afflict my daughta?

SO nice to done with you in one giant swoop

Have I mentioned yet that I really need to poop?

My new lease I will use promptly you know, once I feel fine

I will eat right, work out and drink less….well now that is just plain lyin!

I will do my best and that is all I can do

But my uterus I am so damn glad to be rid of YOU!