I
am sitting down with my computer filling out job applications and he starts
asking me all sorts of questions.
I am not ugly to him but I was obviously not interested in his advances
or conversation. He says “What ya
drinkin?” I look up at him with my
look that say beat it! I tell him
I am drinking tea. He picks it up
and takes it to the counter for a refill.
Brings it back and sets it down and I say thank you. The chatter continues along with his
asking me to help him figure out how to set up his profile on
eharmony.com! I look at him and
say “really?” He says," yeah, I got
nothin on how to use this MAC to take a pictcha". I said, “Hmm, me either but I will be happy to call my
husband and ask him to come up here and help you, he luuuves his MAC.” He says, “Ah ya married, figya’s cause the good ones is always taken.”
Yet another pick up line from this jack off because there is no way he could figure
out from the ridiculous conversation he has been trying to have with me, that I
am “a good one.”
Anyway,
my tea is empty again so he takes it up to the counter and has it
refilled. This happens 4 times
total and each time I say thank you.
What can I say, my children are at the beach house, I am alone (well
kinda) and it’s hot as hell outside so I am drinking a lot of fluid! It is time to go take the kids to
Hammock’s beach which means I need to leave now to catch the Ferry. I start to pack up my things and head
out. He says, “You are
leaving?” I said “yes” He says, I
thought you southerners were suppose to be so hospitable and gracious?!?!” “ I have bought you 4 ice tea’s and all
you have said is thank you.” “It’s
only $4 but you have hardly even spoken to me and I am just trying to be nice, I just moved down hea.” Suddenly I am acutely aware of why he
is signing up for eharmony.com! Some smart Snookie (if there is such a creature) ran his ass clean out of Jersey! If I see her, I will be sure to thank her.
I
stood for a second and tried to decide if I should even comment, then I said,
“Well we are hospitable, you got served here and she smiled at you didn’t
she?” “She even said thank you and
so did I for that matter, 4 times!”
“I appreciate you being nice but I was not up here to make a friend, I
was up here to work and as far as you paying $4 to buy me ice tea, well THAT
just makes you somewhat of an uninformed sucker because in the south,
refills are FREE!” He just looks
at me and I turned and walked away.
I hate being bothered when I actually have a few hours of silence!
Back in Raleigh and trying
to buy a Suit.
I
am in Stein Mart back in Raleigh and in a dressing room trying on clothes,
which is no fun right now because I am 25 pounds over what I am used to
weighing. I know, cry me a river
right, I am still a fairly skinny bitch but anyway, weight is relative. I am naked except for my bra and thong
undies when I lady, a very OLD lady walks right into my dressing room with a
cup of Starbucks coffee. She says,
“scues me but will you hold my coffee?”
Stunned I say, “ok.” She
then says, “Now will you undo this skirt for me?” I look at here, then look outside the dressing room door to
make sure I am not being filmed, then say “sure” and hand her back her
coffee. I undo her skirt, it falls
to the floor, and she bends over and picks it up then says, “Thank you.” She turns and walks away and closes the
door behind her. I stand there
alone in my dressing room not quite sure what to do. I giggle, shake my head and continue to try on suits. Thank God, the one I had in there fits
so I rush to the counter, buy it and got the hell out of there.
In the parking lot trying to
go home.
I
walk to my car, get out my keys and press the unlock button on my remote
key. I hear the car doors
unlock. I reach down to open the
door and it will not open. I
unlock the doors from the remote key again and I hear it unlock. I try again to get into the car and the
door STILL won’t open. I look in
the back door, yep my car so I try THAT door. It won’t open either.
At this point, I am PISSED.
I have only had this damn car a couple of months, if there is an issue with
it already I am going to freak the f*%k out! I repeatedly press (kind of like a crazy woman) the remote
key and I hear the damn thing unlocking but the door is still not opening. Great, the locks are jammed! I kick the car, slam my hand into the
window and throw my keys on the ground!
I stomp my feet, kick the car again and continue to throw a redheaded
stepchild fit. I look around and
figure out that I am standing in between two Lexus’ that are EXACTLY
alike. Same color, model, interior
and both cars have nothing in any of the seats. I feel like a first class idiot at this point. I again, press my remote key and the
car unlocks. Instead of trying to
open the car to my right, I reach down and try to open the passenger side of
the car to my left. Imagine my
face
It looked something like this
when the car door opens on the first try. I look around, again to make sure I am not being
filmed. Sheepishly I place my new
suit in the back seat, walk around to the driver’s side of MY car, get in and
drive home.
On the way home- DAMN this
day!
To cute for such an ugly owner
Almost an exact replica
I
see the cutest little golden doodle puppy being walked by his owner. I am in a neighborhood so I am driving
slowly. I am also thinking about
the weird shit that always happens to me.
I keep looking at the puppy, SO cute and I would love to have one. Not happening right now even though my
husband would LOVE one! My advice
to him, since we have everyone out of diapers and no room in our house for a
puppy is to get a damn girlfriend!
Just make sure she has a house of her own. As I look at the puppy some more I start to look at the
owner. He is your basic gangster type of guy. He is wearing really baggy clothing; a baseball cap turned
sideways and is sauntering like he has no place else to be. Since I have been starring at his puppy
I look up and smile at him and wave to him. He looks at me, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he
takes both his hands and shoots me the bird! WTF???
So
confused by my day and all the shit that has happened, I laugh, shake my head
and drive home. I pull into the
garage and vow to stay home the rest of the night! About an hour later I am cooking dinner and yelling into the
garage, “Dinner is in a few minutes, like 5 minutes and NO you may not paint
before dinner.” “PLEASE MOMMY, we
want to paint?” “NO, dinner is
almost ready, you can paint after dinner if there is time,”
20
minutes later, I open the garage door again and yell, “Exactly what part of
dinner is in 5 minutes did you people not get????” As I open the door, my daughter runs past me so fast I did
not know it was her. 5 minutes
later, my son comes in to wash up for dinner and screams, “OH MY GOD MOMMY COME
LOOK AT THIS” so I walk over to the stairs and I almost stroked OUT.
On
all 13 steps, the landing and into my daughters room (and in the bathroom but
that is tile so no big deal) are....
HOT PINK FOOTPRINTS
Yep you guessed it, she started painting before dinner. So glad to know I sound like Charlie
Brown’s teacher to my husband AND my children. Waa Waa Waa Wah Wah!
Not only had she started painting but she has spilled it then walked
through it as she decided to go to her room and dress up like a princess right
before dinner. I freaked in
silence because I was afraid to say anything for fear of sounding like mommie
dearest but I WAS having a serious no wire hanger’s moment! I turned and walked into the kitchen,
balled up my fists, opened my mouth and screamed in silence (like Billy Crystal
did in Forget Paris). My husband
walked in, saw the mess and sprung into action. All that was said was “honey, be mad at me, not them because
I was suppose to be watching them.”
I said, “Ok good dude, I am there!”
I
went to bed that night and contemplated even getting up the next day. But as Scarlett says, “fiddly dee,
tomorrow is another day.”
could someone please make me a spot of tea while me baby eats?
whatever
seriously?
We know she didn't take it with her phone, we see both arms.
WTF?
Me in College..what you don't believe me? BIG Breasts
To many breasts
chicken breasts
all this is making me hungry sorry.
shit we gotta take another one, the baby is nursing
Do you guys need a moment? What's up with yall?
man that baby is STILL at it.
and finally. I DID IT MYYYY WAYYYYY
The Babies The Bitch and the Breast feeder!
K, so I am at the mall with my twins and we sit down to eat a big pretzel. We sit in the same place every time we go to Triangle Town Center (more appropriately named by me Triangle Clown Center), on a bench in front of the pretzel shop. It is perfectly positioned right by a few kiosk’s that sell one shitty product after another, the jewelry store, a nauseating Yankee candle store and a bath tub product store guaranteed to send you to the drug store for Monistat! I mean do you really need a raspberry kiwi bubble bath?? There is no WAY I could take a bath in something that burns my eyes before I can even pay for it. Anyway…digressing again, which as you know will happen several times before I get to the meat of how I ripped the breast feeder a new asshole just after she tried to rip me one.
We are the only ones on the bench and we are sitting there minding our own business, eating our pretzels when a lady sits down with her baby. Cutting straight to the chase… she picks her baby up out of her really expensive stroller, pops it in her lap, whips out her boob and instead of putting it in her babies mouth like she should, she lets the little guy lay there like Stevie Wonder and find it himself while she gets all comfortable. Leaving her boob hanging right out there. She put on some lipstick, picked up her cell phone, opened a bottle of water and then reached down for a book. No blanket, anywhere! Meanwhile his head was flailing around and getting bumped by her breast until she decided to settle down and make this pleasant instead of like riding the tilt a whirl at the fair. Once he got over bobbing for boobs and realized his dinner was on the table, the little sucker (pun not intended) was in no great hurry and she certainly did not give a damn. She opened her book and started to read, he lay there and played for a second then decided he would eat. She still did not cover herself at all! She had huge boobs that were streaked with blue veins and there is no way in hell that child could have gotten his mouth around that entire nipple. A skydiver could use it as a target to land on; it was HUGE and dark brown. Those boobs were completely and totally functional, trust me there was nothing pretty about them but she thought they were pretty. It was really nasty how much she seemed to be craving attention and really wanted people to see what she was doing. You know body language can tell you more than words.
Now before I go into my story, you know I have a different diatribe to go into regarding this incident, I feel the need to go on record with how I feel about breastfeeding because MY GOD people are sure as hell touchy on this subject! I am not against breastfeeding and have nothing against anyone who does it or does not do it. I do not pass judgment on a mommy either way because we all gotta do what we all gotta do. I am not a proponent of doing it in public but that is ME and I do not mind anyone else doing it as long as they cover up. With that said, I did it for 5 minutes and hated every f**king second of it! It was just to much like work for me. I had twins and could only get about 2 ounces out of both boobs together in one feeding so for even one of my twins it was kind of like expecting one cracker to feed an entire school full of children. As infants, they each needed 4 ounces per feeding and they ate every three hours. Gradually the hours between feeding would increase but so do the ounces they each needed. So unless I was going to pull a move like making 1 fish feed 500 and THAT jig is already up, then we were doing some serious food deprivation here. To give some perspective, before getting pregnant my boobs were a bit bigger than a double D and as I continued along the knocked up status, said boobs continued to mosey on up the alphabet ladder with regard to size. SO, by the time thing one and thing two made their debut, you could have set up a canasta board on my chest! So breastfeeding took on an entirely different look AND feel. I could not even look down over my boobs and see the heads of my children whilst I was attempting to breastfeed. It was so gross that it was actually funny but I couldn’t even stand to look! (imagine putting a quarter beside a basketball and see which one suffers by comparison) I was worried that I would suffocate them or that they would crush under the weight of these lead balloons! So it was suggested to me to try a tandem breastfeed.
NOT ME! I would shoot a brotha for taking this of me!
The person who invented this should have the shit slapped out of them…. that is NOT the threesome anyone has EVER had in mind trust me!!!! I clearly had a bad attitude about it but knew it was good for my twins so I wanted to give it the old girl scout effort. So I enlisted the help of a woman….let’s call her Helga the lactation Nazi. She came to my house to help me, boy she wasn’t cheap and neither was the HOSPITAL GRADE breast pump she “ordered” for me. This thing made more noise than a bluegrass festival combined with the Mormon tabernacle Choir. I swear it was only HOSPITAL GRADE because a hooker and a pimp designed it, and it would truly suck the nails out of a board!
This thing could suck the thoughts right out of your head!
We plugged the machine into the wall and turned on and OMG, it made this noise that reminded us of Caddyshack. It sounded just like Bill Murray saying, it’s in the hole.
one of the best movies ever!
The only thing wrong with that was that we would sit and listen to this thing while, its in the hole, its in the hole, its in the hole would run through our heads! A month later when my breasts were so sore they felt like they had been set on fire and suffered through a few hundred games of whack-a-mole, and my nipples looked like they had been hit with buck shot, I turned that son of a bitch machine back in to Helga. Pretty much told her if she ever came back to my house or even spoke to me if she saw me in public, I would shoot HER with buck shot, and her little machine tooooooo.
Still wanting the twins to get all they deservedand especially what was the best for them, (enter ALL the guilt in the world here) I enlisted the Mothers Milk Bank ( YES you can BUY breast milk that comes from someone else's breast, in Raleigh. True. Really!) at my hospital, which I have to also say is the best damn hospital in the world. Wake Medical Center simply rocks the nation. It pretty much makes you want to throw rocks at all the other hospitals in Raleigh if your life or the life of someone you love has been saved there. If you are at another hospital in Raleigh and something they can’t handle happens, they are going to send you to wake med. If they can’t handle it, your next stop is either UNC or Duke or from there...I suppose the sky ( insurance company or wallet) is the limit. I wondered while buying breast milk, who the hell breast feeds after they are done with their own? Most women I know where so ready to stop, so you mean to tell me that women continue to do this just because they can? I mean it certainly can't be donated from the mind twisted mommies who breast feed until the child can ask them for it. Yes I actually know women who have done it until their children were 4 or 5! I would bet it is not being donated by the mommies who do it to keep the breasts that keep their husbands from screwing their secretaries.
The mothers milk bank is comprised of breast milk from any number of women that produce so much friggin breast milk that they donate it to the hospital just for the poor little mommies like me who are too weak and sickly after giving birth to produce enough of their own, for babies with no mommy OR mommies that simply have no desire to breastfeed but know the benefits. It also serves more than this but you get the jist. It is tested several hundred times more stringently than blood is for aids ( so I am told ) and it is a god send plain and simple! I am a big fan of this milk bar but DAMN is it ever expensive! We used this service until we went about $5000 in the hole. (This stuff is liquid gold! $8 an ounce and is sold in 7 oz mason jars in flats of 12…so you do the math. Using this stuff may as well be called being high on the tit!) Then, we said screw it they are going to have to survive on formula while we can still afford to buy the stuff. Now that I have sort of expressed how I feel on the issue, on with the story of the babies, the bitch and the breast feeder.
The baby finally decided he would latch on to the boob that was of a good healthy size (so healthy in fact that lots of folks decided they were interested in pretzels, bath products and vacuum cleaners, yes this mommy was the proud owner of a home grown RACK!) Men were slowing down to look, other women were looking and some of the retail clerks were taking a gander also. I could not have cared less who was looking until I noticed my children were looking also. Once they realized I saw them looking, they started to pepper me with questions. I proceeded to do as I always do when my children ask me questions, I answered them honestly. The more they asked the more uncomfortable and agitated the breast feeder got and I got. Now I am not a big fan of doing this in public but as long as the mother has covered herself then I say fine, let your freak flag fly…I KNOW how surly a baby gets when its hungry and how sore a boob gets when its engorged. But to sit in front of God and everybody, to not be covered and THEN to get pissy with me because my children were looking and asking questions??? If she thought that was smart, then this bitch may as well have been skipping through hell with a water gun! It would have been about as effective! AND after how brazen she was being about pulling them out and letting them hang, it REALLY chapped my ass that she was going to go all indignant and shy on me now!
Now begins the transfer… the kind I am most famous for.
My Son: Mommy what is she doing?
Me: Son she is feeding her baby.
MS: oh, why is she doing it here?
Me: because her baby is hungry and she needs to feed him.
MS: why can’t she go home to do it? Her booby is out? Does she know that mommy?
Me: because she may be to far from home and her baby is hungry now and yes honey it is hanging out and I am sure she knows it sweetie now please eat your pretzel.
The Breast feeder: takes a deep breath, lets it out, looks at us and shakes her head. Big sigh
I cut her a look, she looks back at her book
My daughter: Mommy she is breathing heavy, does feeding her baby make her do that?
Me: No sweetie
MD: Then why is she doing it, does it hurt? (In a whisper) LOOK, I see her booby too
Me: Sometimes it does hurt sweetie.
MS: It looks like it hurts!
MD: Did you feed us like that mommy?
Me: Yes I did honey
MD: Here mommy, like she is doing it?
Me: No I didn’t
MS: Why?
Me: Because I did not like to do it in public and beca (my daughter interupts me)
MD: Why didn’t you like to do it in public mommy?
Me: Well honey mommy really couldn’t because I was very sick and I am just more private about some things I guess honey.
MD: Oh
The questions continue..And we were both getting more irritated by the second. My children are really curious…and this boob was OUT there!
HERE IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD
The Breast feeder: Looks at me with dislike and irritation and was about to comment…
Me: I look back at her as if to say, I dare you to say anything to me in front of my children. my children continue to look and are now talking to each other about this!!!
Me: Guys I need you to stop looking at her and eat your pretzel. My Son: but mommy when is she going to stop? Me: looking over at the breast feeder I say Mam is there any way you could cover yourself until we are finished, they are very curious and they are sitting right beside you, if you will please I would appreciate it.
The Breast feeder: You may NOT agree with what I am doing but you don’t have to answer their questions like I am NOT sitting here!
Me: Then don’t sit here like you are the only one in the world and expect people NOT to stare or comment. I have answered my children’s questions honestly.
The Breast feeder: If you don’t like what I am doing or if you think its strange, then you can feel free to move to another seat. You are the only with the problem and what I am doing is totally natural, sorry you are so uptight about breast feeding. You could also ask your kids to stop staring! (She rolls her eyes like that would be the end of it, she obviously had never met me. )
Me: Moving my children to the other side of me….I take a sip of my water, then look at her and say……
First of all, I don’t mind what you are doing, I did it but I did it in the privacy of my own home because privacy to, is a preference.
Breast Feeder: Well good for you! Me: DONT interupt me! I don’t think what you are doing is strange; the thing that IS strange about it is the WAY you are doing it. You are sitting here with your breast out in the open and everyone walking by INCLUDING MY CHILDREN is looking at you. It is completely inappropriate for you to do it uncovered and then look at me like I am the one with the problem for simply answering the questions coming from my children. If you don’t want looks or questions then you should consider doing it in private. Look around lady, do you see anyone else sitting around with their tits out feeding their children……NOPE you are the only one…so that makes you the minority, NOT me! I sat down here with my children before you so if the looks and the questions are bothering you, then YOU go get your afternoon attention somewhere else! And as far as it being natural, honey so is f**king, but I don’t want to see anyone do that either!
Her eyes were as big as silver dollars, her face was void of all color and during my tirade she had managed to pack up here big ass lactating milk factory and put her baby in the stroller without even taking her eyes off me. She looked mortified as she strolled in the general direction of Pottery Barn Kids. Good I thought to myself, they have a wonderful little bathroom and breastfeeding area in there.
This little exchange took place in a matter of about 2 minutes and it seemed to go unnoticed by everyone but us. I am sure someone saw or heard and either agreed or disagreed with one of us. Hopefully from the conversation she learned that most of us think breastfeeding in public is ok, hell birds gotta eat same as the worms right? But the classy way to do it is to cover yourself or go into a store and ask for a dressing room or a restroom. Just my opinion and we all have one.
