Spring break has been wonderful, its been warm with beautiful skies and blooming flowers everywhere. We have frolicked in the lovely green....OK that is all the Polly Anna bullshit I have in me. We haven't frolicked in anything. I do not frolic and neither do my children. You also know there is nothing green this time of year, its all yellow and hangs in your throat like a smoldering pile of hay! The twins have flooded the house, spilled any and all forms of liquid on every good rug I have but not once managed to hit the hard wood floor. They have broken drawers, curfew, glasses, toys, spirits and pride. They have pissed in the tub, on the floor, in the air, in my face and once in the sink (but I am told that one was my fault because I washed his feet with cold water???). One more item on the Things you DO NOT want to hear list. So here we go.
Mommy I am going to screw you til you die!
Having just finished Eastah Dinnah, we were all sitting in the dining room trying to grab the gumption to move. We were full as ticks because there is no such thing as a small meal in our family. I got up to see where the twins were. It WAS terribly quiet so they must have been up to something right? I was standing in the foyer when I hear them stomping down the steps. I look up and here is the girl child, she was screaming " Hey mommy I am going to screw you til you die"!!!! I thought cool, just what I have always wanted to hear but I was hoping it would be from George Clooney, Brad Pitt or hell even my loving husband...basically anyone but my 3 year old daughter. About that time she rammed a plastic drill into my thigh and believe it or not, it hurt like hell. I have a nice big purple and green bruise to prove it. Enter the boy child. He comes up behind her with his plastic medical kit screaming, "You screw her then I will fix her" "How does that sound to you mommy"??? Hmmm how do I dare answer this one. Thanks sweetie, been there, done that? Well kids now you know how mommy and daddy got you and how we KNOW there WON'T be any more right? OK, hold on let me put my nail file down and brace myself? Turning to see everyone at the dining room table staring at me to see what prize winning mommy thing I was going to say, I simply said "Honey you don't want mommy to die do you?" to which my daughter replied, "OK, fine then I will just screw you"
Great place to end right. Spring break is over and starting Monday morning I will have my sanity back, whew. Well, not so fast mommy. Husband and I were watching T.V. He looks over and reminds me how tired I look (thanks for the turd in the punch bowl honey, now piss off won't you!) I say to him, "yes I am tired but I can sleep late tomorrow because those little porch monkey's we love so much will be in school tomorrow and it cannot come a moment to soon." Looking sheepishly in my direction he obviously has something to say. What he came out with left me shadoobie shattered! I could have accepted "honey I have fathered 6 children, with 6 different women since we have been married and they are all coming to live with us in a few weeks. Oh and their mothers too" or " I lost the house in a poker match at a strip club downtown and I threw in all your shoes too" or even "Honey I think I am gay" but not........."Honey don't you know that the kids are out again tomorrow" No I did not know that! Why in the hell would I know that, I don't work there"?????? (are you picturing me, the poster child for involved mommies) He says," they are always out the first day after a holiday, its a teacher work day" Well Dammit they just had 5, why do they need one more..don't they know what they are doing by now? Why do they need a day to work in the quiet without children, I DON"T GET ONE? WHY WHY WHY??? (teachers that read this...please don't feel the need to educate me on why, I actually get it but damn I'm just sayin) I want these little suckers back in school. I had a tiny melt down, nothing out of the ordinary, just an only child, red headed stepchild, tired mommy melt down. He looked at me like I had a snake on my head but true to his* happiness is a choice* training, he ignored me and made sure he was out of the house the next morning before we all woke up. Must be nice!
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