Reflections of a Highbrow Hillbilly

Ding Dong …… Oh my Lord, it’s the Jehovah Witnesses again. 

So I am sitting in my house today, minding my own business, drinking coffee and reading the New York Times (on my blackberry).  All of a sudden, ding dong.  I keep my seat because I am expecting no one and this in and of itself makes me a bit skeptical.  Ding Dong, yet again.  I turn my head and look out the window to my front porch and I get this yep, we see you, now get up and answer the door look from Laura Ingalls Wilder and her Paw standing on my front porch. 

They do not seem to care that I see them and have little inclination to get up and answer the door so I decide to screw with them a little bit.  I think about going to the door and loading them up with a little hmmm ……. Oh hi there, sure come on in, I would love to look at your little book.  It gets so lonely in here since I am on house arrest for a year cause I am just fresh out of a 30 year vacation in the cross bar hotel.  I sure like your dress there little lady,  I might just be willing to violate my parole for you!  I just might lock you up in MY Watchtower, want some Easter candy?    I know it’s the JW’s because of the way they are dressed. Lets just say that I have never seen the prairie line in any haberdashery.  Oddly though, I have seen JW’s at work (story on that to come later) and it appears that only the door-to-door variety is the ones dressed like this.  What’s up with that?  Not one of my 135 pairs of shoes would go with the Holly Hobby look, so there is one reason not to convert!  They are always very clean, neat and tidy and very nice, but I am still not going.  Anyway, I keep my seat and see if they will be obtrusive enough to ring the bell again.  You damn skippy, ding-dong.  I set my coffee down, turn and look out the door window again DAMN; it is Paw, putting me through ocular intrusion while standing on MY front porch.  I don’t know whether to be pissed or impressed because trust me, that takes balls!  King (dom hall) size balls!  I open the door with a really irritated look on my face (I have several of those and they have been known to make toddler’s and adults cry).  Laura is young (maybe 30) and Paw is, well a little long in the tooth.  It’s usually a younger man…about to hit 40 and a woman that is already changing gears to head down the other side of the menopause mountain (55 plus).  Not sure why the Kingdom is shakin things up on me here with this new breed of sales associates.  I open the door and the interchange goes like this:

Me:  Hi

JW’s:  Good morning, how are you today?

Me:  well thank you.   Odd uncomfortable silence

JW’s:  yadda yadda yadda (brief introduction and sales pitch) and would you mind if we left these pamphlets with you to read and we will come back next week to pick them up and answer any questions you may have?

Me:  Actually I do mind if you leave them, I have a faith and a church I am quite happy with and Jesus is my Lord and Savior.  Your services are not welcome here and there is no need for you or anyone from your organization to return next week or ever.  Thank you and do enjoy the rest of your day.

The JW’s step backwards down the stairs and begin to lay the pamphlets on my steps. She does not take her eyes off me while Paw bends down to do the dropping.  Now I’m pissed because I DO NOT stutter!  I am about to go all Happy Easter, Merry Christmas and by the way, for whom did you vote on these people! Instead I say in a stern, deep, don’t make me get my gun from behind the door; scotch drinkers voice “TAKE THE PAMPHLETS WITH YOU!!!”   WTF?  Why can they not figure out that they have been here before, I don’t want their propaganda, they are not wanted here AND why don’t they keep a damn do not knock list for the folks who are all stocked up!  I swear I would build a damn moat around my property if these people had not proven to be so steadfast that they would probably tunnel underneath the sucker to win me over! I have nothing against Jehovah Witness or any other religion but you don’t see me going door to door to tell people their religion is wrong and mine is right and if they don’t change they are dancing with destruction.  I mean damn, fair is fair and right is right around the corner, so get the hell off my porch!  My faith is right for me, has been all my life, aint changing, just growing stronger.  I’m a work in progress, like most folks I guess. Supposedly JW's salvation can leave them at any time, which is one of the reasons they are so ready to walk the walk and talk the talk door to door!  I thought it was no rest for the wicked; guess its no rest for the witness.  BUT I am still a bit scared of being the true bitch that I can be and saying all this, for a couple of reasons.  I am home alone, and they should have come last week (PMS). They may be nice and my vulnerability level may be somewhere between Patty Hearst and Granny Clampett but their belief system is rather cult like and that straight up scares the hell out of me! I use a Mac now so I am actually part of a cult.

Who Are They? 

A religious group known as Jehovah's Witnesses originated in Pennsylvania in the early 1800’s as a small group of followers of Charles Taze Russell. Today they are more than 6 million members strong and are spreading their gospel worldwide. These men and women, Jehovah’s Witnesses are known for their refusal to celebrate holidays, vote, salute the flag, and receive blood transfusions. (Always wondered why my doctor asked me while delivering my twins, if I would be willing to receive blood if I needed it to save my life…well no shit Sherlock of course I will.. you think I have gone thru this miserable shit to die???)  They are led by a large organization, headquartered in Brooklyn, New York, called the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Members of this religion freely spend hours per month - some as many as 90 hours or more - going door-to-door, handing out religious literature and conducting free in-home bible studies with prospective converts. (Gee THAT sounds safe doesn’t it) As dedicated and sincere as they are, unfortunately, many of their teachings are sharply opposed to the teachings of biblical Christianity. To look at some teachings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I will quote Watchtower magazines (the ones they tried to leave on my steps) and contrast them with the quotes from the Bible: (al beit loosely but as much from memory as possible for the ones that jump out at me.)

Watchtower: “The soul dies; it does not live on after death”

Jesus:  “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body for they cannot kill the soul”

Watchtower:  “…come to Jehovah’s organization for salvation”

Jesus:  “I am the way the truth and the life.  No one comes to the father except through me”

And lastly,

Watchtower:  “To get one’s name written in that book of life depend upon one’s works”?

Jesus:  “for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith you have the gift of God, not by works”

Don’t know about you and the above is just a snip it from two places but I think I will stick to what I know and have been taught my entire life, thank you very much.  I did make the mistake one time of asking what the deal is with all the stuff they cannot do.  I asked this because I got handed my own ass from a 5-year-old boy in a real estate office one day.  It was 7 days from December 25^th.  Kind of popular day to most 5-year-old children right?  Well not this little shit.  I asked him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas and he looked at me and YELLED.  “WE ARE JEHOVAH WITNESS AND WE DON’T BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS OR SANTA CLAUS!  WE DON’T CELEBRATE ANY HOLIDAY AND YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER BECAUSE ITS THE DEVILS WORK” Well alrighty then shut my mouth and shove a reindeer up my ass!  A little adult in the body of a child, a very serious child.  One that will not fair that well in school if he continues to answer questions like a little asshole.  He will likely be the uncool kid with the duck on his sweater that gets his ass beat just for general principle.  He knew as much about fun as I do about quantum physics! So I asked the next pair that visited my porch what in the world that diatribe was all about.  Here is more or less what I was told.  Jehovah Witnesses believe and are taught to have only one allegiance and that is to Jehovah God and his organization, the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.  They claim that they cannot compromise this loyalty by voting, singing a national anthem, or celebrating or observing holidays because it is perceived as being part of the devils world.  Damn can you say narrow focus?? How about isolation??? 

Hearing all of this just made me feel bizarre and like I needed to go wash my hands and although I may have paraphrased in a few places here for the sake of argument, I have not forgotten my conversation with those folks over the years, what they said or how it made me feel.  So going forward I have just answered the door and shared the dialog above way to many times and with every JW that pays me a visit.  I am hoping this new sign will make them turn on their heels and head for the street.  If not, I will come up with one that is a bit more direct.