People are crazy

So I am in Food Lion today picking up a few things before picking up the twins and the following interactions and exchanges actually took place, right before my eyes.  I am not making up a single word of it!  If anything I am probably leaving something out because I was again amazed at the shit I manage to see.

Customer Service aint what it used to be.

I was about to turn my cart onto an aisle when I saw two women coming toward me.  One was a Food Lion employee also trying to enter this aisle.  The other was a customer with her cart and her children trying to exit this aisle.  I stood still while the other two went at it.  The customer was not looking where she was going and almost ran into the employee who had stopped as if to hold her spot.  You know how women can be.

Customer:  Um, can you MOVE?

Food Lion Employee:  Um, I STOPPED because you almost hit me with your cart!

C:  I did not!

FLE: Ya did so!

C:  Did not!

FLE:  Did so!

C:  I  DID  NOT  (spoken very slowly and rather petulantly)

FLE: YA  DID  SO  (spoken the same way but with one hand on hip with head bobbing back and forth.)

C:  You want me to hit you and show you what you think you missed then come on!

FLE:  BRING IT BITCH!

C:  NOW HOLD ON, DON’T YOU GO TALKIN THAT WAY IN FRONT MY CHILREN.  JUST MOVE YO SORRY SELF!

Both roll their eyes and begin to move out of each other’s way.  When their backs are to each other.  I hear this…

C: Did not!

FLE: Did so!

I am walking towards the deodorant when the FLE makes eye contact with me.

FLE:  You saw dat, she almos hit me wit dat cart, didn’t she?

ME:  (throwing both hands up in the air) Hey, I am Switzerland, just trying to do my thing you know?

C:  Yeah I hear ya.

I turn to go up the next aisle where I see a cart with a newborn baby in it.  ALL ALONE??? There is no one on the aisle but me.  So I slow down to make sure all is ok (you know the bread truck didn’t just drip this little sucker off so doesn’t she belong to someone?)  I get close to her and….

Crazy Food Lion Customer:  What are you lookin at, that is MY baby.

ME:   Ok, ok, I was just making sure she had not been left alone.

CFLC:  Well, thank you for checking (looking at me with a suspicious glare)

While quickly moving my cart out of the way BUT not watching where I was going, I run into a stand of cookies and knock them all over!  I look up and see the Food Lion employee coming towards me looking at the mess all over the floor.

FLE:  WELL, what did the crazy ass do, knock DA hell outta somebody else?

Me:  (Laughing uncontrollably) No honey that was me.

FLE:  Well least you admitted it!

I am doubled over at this point and can barely breathe! The FLE is cleaning up the cookies while muttering to herself. 

FLE: I shoulda pop dat bitch in da face, she hit me wit that damn cart and she knew it! Shit!

It happened at the check- out counter.

An Asian man was going through the self-checkout line.  A man came in behind him and began staring at him.  After a few moments, the conversation began.  (Difficult to understand the Asian man and he didn’t use connecting words, he was pissed!)

Asian Man:  Why you look at me?

Confused customer:  Oh, I am sorry but I think I know you. I am trying to figu

AM:  Well stop, I never see you before in my life.

CC:  Didn’t I sell you a car or something, I mean wait, did we work together?  I got it, is your name James Wong right?

AM:  No, No and No,  Amerwicans, you thing we all look alike!  My name not Wong.  Leave me lone!

Laughing again I am now just about ready to start shopping here all the time.  I could use the comic relief.  To top it all off, as I am leaving and putting groceries in my car a man in a Camaro (and God knows I just LOVE men in Camaro’s) putting an absolute shit load of Budweiser in his car, starts talking to me about how hot I am. Oh yeah,  I SO look in the mirror every day and remark to myself how hot I am and how nice it would be to get hit on by a man in a Camaro.  It wasn’t just any Camaro, it was candy apple red with huge tires or is it rims…no clue car talk is lost on me.  It was really tricked out and even had a fur steering wheel cover and the set of testicles hanging from the rear view mirror!  Just the kind of thing that makes me want to leave my husband ya know?  Feeling all highbrow and not at all hillbilly I kind of stare at him like he is a total ass clown then look away as if to make him feel like he never existed.  I am way to good for such a person right?  I finish putting my groceries in the car and get in, key in ignition and what comes blasting out of the stereo????  Gimme three steps!  So much for the smoke and mirrors, we were kindred spirits!