One eye to eye

This one is going to get me in trouble with the man to which I am legally bound but what the hell, it happened and it was funny!  

So its 4am and I am sound asleep.  I am on my side, pillow between my legs, and hands under my cheek and I am sure I was even drooling.  I even remember what I was dreaming about but THAT I simply will not talk about because I actually have to look some of you in the eyes and dreams and thoughts are free right?  Anyway, its 4 am and I am sleeping, which is something I rarely do.  You know how you get the feeling someone is looking at you?  Well, you get that a lot when you have children and you learn not to be alarmed because they would rather stand there and stare at you until they scare the shit out of you when you open your eyes and see them, rather than gingerly wake you.  So, I open my eyes and there is a little boy, the boy child of mine, looking RIGHT at me.  I say son, its really late, err its really early so what can I do for you.  He says "mommy you are going to have to turn on the light for this one” I say ok and reach for the light.  As I am moving back over to the warm spot I left behind, I realize I am looking right at my son's unit.  That is what we call his..Well you know.  I mean it and me.... we are eye to eye, literally because it has one eye and that is all I could manage to open at 4 in the morning.  I said, "darlin, ( in the south we leave off the g.... its more endearing that way) what is the problem?"  He says in a whisper, "mommy, it won't go down and I need your help!"  I said, "well son, I don't think there is anything I can do to help, I think you are just going to have to wait it out and it will go back to sleep."  He says, " why do i have to wait it out mommy, IT woke me up."  I said, "yes darlin I know, they have a way of doing that and they also wake mommies up too!"  I lost myself there for a moment and rolled over to ask daddy what to do, since he has one, I figured he could shed some light on this little goody!  No help from daddy because that lucky son of a bitch is out of town, drooling peacefully on the pillow of a fancy hotel in New York City (probably suffering from the same problem, sans the toddler....a wee bit toooo personal, yeah maybe but if you are reading this...you aint new,  and he aint either and when your wife writes a blog.. nothing is sacred! you follow me?). Well that means that this is stacked right up there in the ~~weird shit that happens while daddy is out of town category~~ Hmmm that will be Toddler with a woody for 1000 Alex!  I mean I know what to do with my husband when its HIM that wakes me up like this at 4 am...but my son, I got nothin!  So I realize that I am the huckleberry that must rub this one off, so to speak...but CERTAINLY not literally!  I look again to see if anything has changed and not today, nope, nada, we are still kickstandin it right here in the master suite!  He is now standing with both hands on his hips, really irritated!  I say, "son why are your pants down?"  He says, "Because it hurts to pull them up!"  And I can imagine that it would, nuff said!  I ask him if he has been messing with it, because there is NO way in hell I can use the word playing and he says, "no, well maybe a little, but that didn't seem to help so I stopped, now I just want it to go down because I am sleepy."  I tell him to pull up his undies and crawl in bed with me and go back to sleep and if it is still like that in the morning we will call the Doctor.  He thinks that is a great idea.  So he gets in bed and I reach down to make sure his undies are all up and in place and before I can get my hand in the general direction of said erection..... He goes, 

"MOMMY STOP, I am afraid it will hurt you so don't go near it right now."  I suddenly hear Robin Williams voice in my head, from the movie Good Morning Vietnam... in his radio show where he says, "The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today, what is a protective dike?, is that a large woman standing by the river yelling...DON'T GO NEAR THERE DONT GO NEAR THERE!  I roll over and laugh until I cry and try to fake falling asleep.  He tells me not to be upset; it will be better in the morning.  "Don't worry mommy."  Then he pats me on the back, takes a deep breath and then, he is snoring!  I roll over and look at him.  He is flat on his back; both arms tucked under the back of his head, snoring like a grown man.  I let out a belly roll laugh and then hate the fact that my husband is not here to see this moment.  Ahhh the joys of raising children!  

A bit of a side note.  

We started noticing things like this when the boy child of ours was about 2 years old.  He seemed completely unaware of it but wanted to make sure it was all good.  We didn't worry but at our next visit to his pediatrician we asked the questions.  Our pediatrician, whom we dearly love looks at us and kind of laugh's under his breath.  He then says, "I am going to tell you guys this story because you are cool as hell AND you are great parents"  He says, "a couple of years ago, a mother brings her son to me because he is spending a lot of time alone and when he does, lets just say that he is not treating his little guy very well"  "He is pulling it, poking it, hitting it and so on."  He tells us that the boys mother looks up at him with a worried, embarrassed and concerned look and asks him if this is normal behavior and if he is going to grow out of it.  He says, "I looked at her and said, well Mrs_______ don't worry, it is a completely normal thing, it happens to all boys and as far as stopping it, well its a transient problem and it will go away in about........ 75 years."  He then says, "She didn't think it was funny so I haven't said that to anyone since!"  We thought it was hilarious and pretty much decided that he was to be our pediatrician forevah!