Reflections of a Highbrow Hillbilly

What is a fart?  The cry of an imprisoned turd.

therefore

NEVER trust a fart!

So my children ate something today that made them both nasty!  I am not sure what this was since I pack their lunch’s everyday and today was your basic run of the mill lunch.  Fruit, yogurt and steamed veggies with a juice box.  When it comes to eating, my children are indeed Stepford!  The odd thing is that the boy child rarely farts, so a fart or twelve from him today struck me as strange.  The gassy ones in this little castle seem to be of the female persuasion.  I thought I was bad, but my daughter can actually fart on command.  God I love her!  The men do it; they are just not as overt about it as we are.  But they are nonetheless proud of them when they do come out.  Why is it that people are so mortified of the fart?  I am old, salty and a lady when society makes me be one but I think farts are hilarious!  Few things make me giggle like a 5 year old but even in the most horrible of moods, or the sickness of biblical proportions a fart will make me giggle.  I am told by allot of people that they think farts are funny.  But some of these people also say they NEVER fart?!?!?  I bet these are the people that also SAY they don't masturbate either.  I gotta call bullshit on that one!  We all fart and most of our farts stink.  If this is news to you.... climb out from under your rock, have a seat, think about it, giggle, then accept it.  It is what it is, a build up of intestinal gas from the anus- often considered vulgar.  I am most likely not going to befriend (face book or otherwise) the person that snubs their nose at or believes that farting is vulgar.  This person is probably about as much fun as a raging yeast infection, with the sense of humor that rivals toe jam!  Don’t get me wrong, I don't go through parties, malls, DMV (well maybe DMV smells like shit in there anyway) grocery stores, church or other places farting.  I am like anyone else; I hold them in until no one else is around.  But when I am home, no reason to cook those suckers up so we let um fly!  It is hard for me to believe that married people do not fart in front of each other.  I have male friends that fart in front of me but will not fart in front of their wives.  I do not get this.  I know I make people feel comfortable and am often one of the guys, I may even, at times be a bit vulgar...I am ok with this...my girlfriends fart tooo!  So I asked one of my male friends, "So you have kids with this woman, you have done things to each other while naked that you would put yourself in front of a firing squad before you let ANYONE see and you have taken care of each other when you are sick, but you do not fart in front of each other"??????  I got a blank look and a sharp NO!  "Come on, you never give her a dutch oven?" to which he replied, "oh hell no, she would divorce me"  I say Divorce her first, move on to someone who will pull your finger.  I suspect most of it is not that the woman refuses to fart in front of the man but that the man would never be able to look at her the same if she did.   Again, I do not get this...farting is not illegal anywhere that I am aware of but oral sex is illegal in several States and if you frown upon that, people will throw rocks at you!  Double standards man!  

Anyway, I digress.  So my son farted tonight and I swear it would have knocked a buzzard off a gut truck!  I ask him if he felt ok or if his tummy hurt and he just said, "nope, just a poot” well son, I thought, that was NOT a poot!  I am completely fluent in fart and you just farted!  It came time to go to bed and we were changing into our pajama’s (pronounced pajomma's like in momma’s not pajaaaaama's...we are southern) I started reading a book to the girl child because she got ready faster.  The boy child was not quite finished but jumped into my lap anyway.  Took me two more farts to figure out that he was naked.  Not nekid we in the south know that naked is ok but nekid is buck ass nude and up to something.  He was not up to anything.  I said, "son why are you naked?"  He said, "because you started reading and I did not want to miss anything” I said, " I will wait if you want to go get your undies on"  " No thanks mommy, I am good, I will get them when you are finished” I said ok and continued to read.  He continued to fart.  A good one slipped out and the girl child noticed straight away that it was so stellar that it smelled like one of mine.  When I told her it was not mine, she looked at her brother and said, "Do you feel ok?"  He said, "yes, read mommy” I continued to read with the aroma of boy farts floating through the air.  

We finished the book, said our prayers while in the big chair and the girl child split for her room.  The boy child reached up hugged me SO hard, grunted, face got red and he farted like a grown man after a chili cook-off.  My hand was on his rear end (like it sometimes is when you hold a child...means nothing its just the geographical position of your hand and keeps you from dropping them) All of a sudden a little bullet, nugget, a hard little rabbit turd landed in my hand. Came out just like a gumball that I had paid a quarter for!  He said, "What was that?” I said, "What do you think it was?"  With eyes wide, but speaking in a very soft whisper he said, "Are you happy at me mommy?"  I, holding back laughter for fear of embarrassing this very sensitive boy said, "son I am very happy at you but you can never trust a fart."  We smiled at each other even though he had no idea what that meant but he knew I did AND he knew it was funny.  Then he let out the biggest laugh I have heard from him in a while, which made him fart again.  He stopped, looked at me and said, "Did anything come out that time???"  With tears streaming down my face, laughing so hard I could barely speak I said, "nope were all good little man” he goes..."well, maybe you really can trust a fart mommy...are you gonna hold that poop much longer?"

The rest of the night went as they normally do.  Go to bed guys, ok but mommy I need some water, me too; can I have the same amount of water he got?  I need another kiss, I'm still thirsty, mommy can you snuggle with me, I love you to the moon and back, moooommmy, she is out of bed again, I am going to the potty mommy. Then all of a sudden the noise stops and there is silence from the second floor.  I then begin my nightly vigil, the one that I have come I love and cannot imagine my life without.  It is the one that makes me wonder how people divorce and are able to survive when they have to share children in two separate houses. I cannot imagine not having them in my house at all times but I know one day they will grow up and move on and I will embrace this bitter sweetly.  But for now, I go upstairs and sneak into rooms, steal kisses, pull back covers to look at the amazing little feet and hands of the bodies that are so sweetly slumbering away.  I tell them I love them, and sometimes they answer through sleep, I love you too mommy.  I do this at least 5 times a night.  I do this because these are the moments that make up a day, a life and the moments that I realize how lucky I am that God chose me to raise these little angels. I realize the world is far from perfect, I realize that I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes and I am not always good and do not always get what I want. I snap, jump and fly off the handle.  I do not often come down on the side of what is right, but most of the time I do.  But right here, in my house is perfection, because they are the most perfect things I have ever done and whatever I am, am not or will never be, I look at them and it is enough!