"The Fword"
Most of you reading this know me, so you know “The F word” is one of my favorite words. It’s a great word and something about the f and the k bringing the front and the back to the u and the c, just makes you feel better. Just doesn’t do the feeling justice to say fick, fudge, friggin or freakin! But a good old fashion FUCK at the top of your lungs feels GREAT!!!!! To my knowledge it’s not written anywhere that it is a bad word but most of society (southern society that is) sees it as one. Most of society is to damn uptight really. I mean I believe in God, I vote and I am an honest law abiding citizen who is teaching my children about God, manners and right from wrong, so if cussing and using “the f word “ a lot makes me bad or wrong, then fuck it, I am bad and wrong!!! I think it is viewed as a bad word because the word really has more to do with sex, or the act of, than anything else. I suppose sex CAN be bad but I have not yet run into that! Sweet Mary Mother of God I hope I never do!!!! I mean even when its not great, its still pretty good right? Or is that just dependant upon either your perspective, someone’s experience or on how often you get some of it??? My mom reads this so I guess this is where I should add that I have only had sex once and that was to get my twins. weeeelllll, maybe more than once, but my name aint Mary and the only thing immaculate about me is my house, I'm just sayin mom! It’s like Forrest Gump’s momma says, it’s just a little white lie so it can’t hurt nobody right? Teeheehee. Webster’s says the word fuck means, to breed (cattle), to copulate, to engage in coitus with, sometimes considered vulgar or obscene, to deal with unfairly or harshly. Well shit, when you put it that way, even Martha Stewart (who could use a strong one, right up against a wall!) wouldn’t rush out to call it “a good thing”! To me, it falls in the category of “it is what it is” and it IS a great word, it describes, emphasizes, makes people back off or pay attention and sometimes even leave you the hell alone. It makes you feel better and sometimes makes you laugh. Especially when you hear a child say it, it REALLY makes you laugh. I am not sure why hearing a child cuss will make most of us laugh, I think it’s like farting (inappropriate but hilarious) or maybe it’s because of the “out of the mouth of babes” thing. All kids use words they hear at home or any place else and the reason its funny to hear a child cuss is because they usually have no idea it’s a word they should not use. It is funny in my house because my children use them correctly, with the proper inflection! We DO NOT make it common practice to run around the house cussing but we ARE human and they do slip out. Big deal, I think, as kids get older they learn how words are to be used and which ones to frequent or not, and in the grand scheme of things, my children learning these words or cussing is just not something I tend to worry about. As a side note, it is most unsavory when words like cocksucker, mother fucker or dip shit come out in the church nursery but stranger danger, eating your veggies, learning math, proper spelling, pronunciation, how to be good citizens and how to swim are some of the things that strike me as important. SO when my son dropped the F bomb this morning when he stubbed his toe, it made me laugh, oops I mean LOL or LMAO and remember a story worth telling from when he was not yet two years old!!!!! So here goes.
The man that is stuck with me because he said "I DO" (and probably wonders 15 times a day why he did) wears hearing aids. He doesn't HAVE to have them because he is not deaf but they do help (it's a minor thing that runs in his family, well that and lots of heavy metal concerts in his past) and it does not impede his being handsome or anything else but his hearing definitely sucks ass. I know for sure he has selective hearing and that makes me want to knock the shit out of him for more than just general principle. He is an assistant head of school so that makes him a General Principal, hahaha I crack myself up! But I digress, sorry…I am like any other muttering mother, I talk to myself and bitch to myself quite often. It’s easier than to bitch at your spouse when you know they don’t care or in my case, can't hear you (or choose not to). On with the story, King of the castle has exited the abode for work one morning leaving the minions behind. The twins are perched at the breakfast table waiting for delivery of the first square of the day. They are trying to wake up and like their mother they prefer very little talking (if any) until they are properly acclimated. I asked the girl child what she wanted and she said, “cake cakes please mommy”. Which is girl child for pancakes. I asked the boy and he said the same thing. So I started cooking. They were yawning, thumbing through a book and talking amongst themselves, when my son asked me a question. I asked him to repeat it because I did not hear him. He did so but I still did not hear him. I moved closer to him and asked him to say it one more time. This time he spoke much slower and a bit louder. I still did not understand what he said so I came beside him, got down on my knees, moved in closely and said, “Son, mommy still did not hear what you said, would you please say it again?” He looked up at me with irritation in his face that even I have not yet perfected. He put his fork down, clasped his hands together and with proper inflection this child, my not even 2 year old boy looked up at me and very softly but clearly said, “ ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF????’ I almost had a stroke and was laughing so hard milk came out of my nose. He then said, mommy don’t laugh, you made me say it several times and i was earwatated aka irritated. Which doubled me over again! What child not even 2 knows the word fucking??…. Or how use it in a sentence! I knew explaining this one to daddy was going to get me the furrowed brow that he is so adept at. What is the lesson for the mommy of the year???? Stop calling husband fucking deaf when in earshot of boy with big brain and good ears. Beauty of it to me is that I still have no idea what the boy said. But I will always remember this conversation.
Oops he does it again
Later that night (daddy is still not home) the twins are getting ready for bed. They have had a bath and are now getting into their Jammie's. The girl child does her own thing and is already in the big fluffy chair in the nursery waiting for the nightly story reading to begin. I turn to look for the boy child because he is not yet in the chair. I walk out into the hall and look at the child fumbling around trying to get his shirt over his head and his arms in it properly. He looks like a drunk wobbling around on unsure footing and about to fall over. He realizes that he is not succeeding so he stops, stands still, takes one hand to feel around and make sure he is not about to fall down the stairs, then he sits down and try’s with the shirt again. It looks much like two rats fighting under a burlap sack but he is determined to get it. He tries one more time and winds up with his head poking a wee bit out of one of the arms and an arm coming through where his head is suppose to be. I am doubled over laughing and now have his giggling sister in my arms watching. He slowly takes his right arm and reaches out to the t-shirt and pulls it off his head while muttering fuuuuuucccckkkkk! Just like a frustrated old man. It was hilarious and of course he again used it properly. His voice was low and the word spilled out for what seemed like an eternity. He threw the shirt across the hall, shook his head, rolled his eyes and said, “mommy I am not sleeping in that thing tonight, now lets read some books!”
My daughter is the one we thought would be using these words on a regular basis by now because like momma like daughta. To date, the only “bad words” she has uttered are damn, as in where are my damn keys? And shit oops, because she was copying what she had just heard me say. I said SHIT when I slipped in the den and immediately followed it with oops because she was in the room. She looked up at me from her puzzle and said , “shit oops” just like she was asking for a juice box, smiled at me like she knew she was saying something she shouldn't say, then went back to her puzzle.
I love to look at the faces of folks when either I or my husband tell these stories. People either laugh hysterically or look at us like we worship the devil or have just shot a puppy between the eyes right in front of them. Like a cuss word is a direct reflection on your parenting skills. A few people (always women, the uptight bitchy kind, that wear boring clothes and look like they haven't had sex since Moses was in short pants!) even ask us if we allow them to cuss. My comment is "Oh sure, but only when they smoke and drink" stupid bitches, seriously does anyone allow a 4 year old to cuss or do they just deal with it when it happens? For Pete's sake! I suppose my children slipping up and using cuss words(rarely) is not something I should be proud of and I am not proud of it but I am certainly not ashamed enough to spend any time in a confessional booth either. They are now 4 years old and are mannerly, sweet, smart, well adjusted children that adults and children enjoy being around. Life is funny, real and at times real funny and real messy and by last check, no one gets out of it alive so why take everything so damn seriously? In my house we live by the “it is what it is rule.” I am a good mom who was raised by a good mom and I just don't see a problem with a kid being a kid and a few good raunchy cuss words is a right of passage in my book! Maria Montessori may be flipping over in her grave but she is dead so she is off the hook right? And besides, this highbrow went to public schools, so it is what it is!
No comments:
Post a Comment