Turns out they do not serve silly bands in hell. But they sell them in Raleigh!

If you are a parent of children between the ages of 4 and 13 (maybe even older than that, I have no idea when you age out of a silly band…isn’t Justin Beiber considered a silly band?  When can we age out of him???) then you are driving all over town to find these damn silly bands.  No wait, I was corrected by one of my 4 year olds, its silly banzzzz.  Sorry darlin I have not claimed to be cool in quite some time now.  How do I know I am no longer of the cool persuasion?  My car was broken into a few years back and they left all my cd’s and my old school cell phone that did not have text ability.  I would have to question the coolness of the perpetrator because who would not want Nelly, JT (Justin Timberlake, not James Taylor) Sir Mix A Lot (yep still rock that one from time to time) and some Van Halen and DIO?  So maybe it was a thief with poor taste in music?  It did bring me on into the 2000’s because I did go immediately and upgrade to a blackberry but now I am not cool because I have a “low rent” blackberry and NOT an iPhone.  That may very well be but in my opinion AT&T sucks and Verizon never drops a call so until someone creates an app for not dropping calls I will remain iPhoneless. 

Back to the silly banzzzzz.  I drove all over North Raleigh one day looking for these things and my kids are only 4!  The last place I went is of course the one that had JUST received a new shipment.  I did not need to ask for them, all I had to do was look for the moms that look like vultures and the sales clerk that looked like a wild Indian trying to find a bathroom and a place to stow her horse!  This poor clerk looked like she had been rode hard and hung up wet and it was barely 11am.  Seems she was already replacing her third refill of silly bands so far.  She had this “go with God” look on her face and had to snap EXCUSE ME before the vultures would let her out of the silly band section.  I started to giggle because I cannot believe that I had to become the parent that is willing to cut a sista over some damn plastic bracelets.  “Oh, these glow in the dark, and THEEESSEEE smell like fruit!”  Gushed one of the moms.  She is precisely the reason I do not do playgroups.  The kids are fine, it’s the mommies that are living proof hell is full and the dead are walking the earth raising children!  I end up falling in love with the children and scratching my head at some of the mommies.  Crazy disconnected bitches would be a complement! Side note:  Don’t worry if you are a mommy that has had a playgroup with me because if I have felt like this about you, then you KNOW who you are because I am about as subtle as a train wreck and do NOT hide irritation and confusion well!  If you catch me with that “I just smelled shit” look on my face chances are I don’t get you, therefore you will NEVER get me…and lets never play date together again.  Shhhhh I won’t tell a soul you suck as a girlfriend since you’ve had children.  It’s OK, great mommies often suck as girlfriends because they have forgotten everything and can only talk about their children and bitch about their husbands.  I still LURVE to

talk about sex drugs and rock and roll. And sorry but my husband simply ROCKS!!

So, the smelly silly bands were snatched up very quickly (of course I got my hands on several packs and you better back off bitches unless you wanna pay me triple for these little grape smellin goodies and leave here drawing back a bloody stump!) so, the really freaky mommy (that based on appearance I am willing to bet drove in from Cary to find them) SCREAMS, “hey can someone go get that clerk, we need more smelly bands!”  No one gave her the memo that they are banzzzzz.  Several of the mommies looked at her with utter disdain and contempt and I could tell were willing to band together in taking her ass out!  You get outta line bitch, we ain't moving, is the way many of us looked at her.  I was starting to feel at home there in the crowd.  Then a few more piped in with “yes more of the glow in the dark ones also” Damn, I thought more of you were with me on this, turncoats!  I was imagining the morning conversations in these women’s homes.  “Come on guys, into the mini-van its time for school”  “what did you say honey, oh don’t worry about going back upstairs for your homework, you can copy someone’s at school just DON’T forget your silly bands, mommy has tennis and I CANNOT bring them to you”!  Then I remembered waiting in line years back to look at a shipment of Minolo’s that were just released (to our area, which makes them at least a year behind the fashion trend) and decided to chill on my highbrowness and cut these dedicated mommies some slack.  I say, “This is redonkulous I am taking the ones I have and blowing this Popsicle stand”.  One of the believers says to me, “Oh you obviously do not have kids who are REALLY into these” and she snubs me with her look.  Highbrow radar totally re-engaged I say, “No what I have are children that understand the word NO or the phrase sorry honey they were sold out” Sorry but becoming one with these nut jobs, I just could not do.  All of a sudden a hand comes from under a few coach and Louis bags (these were not swap meet Louis’ either) and I look down as they swiped my ankle to see one eye peeking out at me.  “Take these, I am coming out!”  Sweet, a soul sista where have you been all my life!!!  I grab about 10 packs out of her hand and back out of the cloud of $600 purses and perfume. (Someone should tell these shoppers that your perfume is suppose to be your signature not your f**king warning!)  She stands up, clears the crowd and damn, it’s a mommy just like me.  Baseball cap clad, showered probably the day before and not a drop of make-up on her other than pink cheeks from braving the crowd.  She says, “consider yourself hooked up, I could smell your frustration!”  I said, “Will you marry me?”  She laughed and we went to the counter to pay for our silly banzzzzz.  She seemed to be close to my age, which is not yet the golden age but it is the age of understanding that enables you to clearly grasp the fact that going home without these little nuggets will still allow you A. in the house and B. get you hugs and kisses from your offspring anyway.  But since we had them…it was easy to point fingers and giggle at the disappointed masses.  We chat for a few minutes but did not take it to far; we couldn’t have cared less what each other’s names were or how many kids we were buying these damn things for.  We just found a kindred spirit in the “no way, I will not join um if I can’t beat um club” in each other.  I paid for my banzzz and left.  I managed to get away from there unscathed and the proud owner of 10 packs of silly banzzzz.  In my day it was smurfs that had my parents pillaging stores, remembering this I was begrudgingly climbing on board with some of the things we have to do as parents.

Now, to be honest the part that doesn’t make me a highbrow or a hillbilly but a mommy who loves her brood, I could not wait to pick up my twins so I could see their faces when they saw the pirate booty of silly bands I had in tow!  I may be older and, thus a bit out of touch with youth that procreate, and my twins may not yet be SO into something that they will be devastated if it doesn’t make it under the tree on Christmas morning because unbeknownst to them Santa was out all night looking for it.  The simple fact is that we all want our kids to be happy and have more and better than we had, so we all jump through hoops when necessary to make this happen. Whether this necessity is perceived or actual is up to the parent and the wingman.   So now that I am safely out of the store and can look back at all the crazy Stepford mommies, I give them props for getting out there and doing what they do!  Crazy or not, kids are lucky to have parents as advocates and silly band tracker downers.  I picked the twins up early and we went home and tore into the silly banzzz and the response I got…… hugs and kisses and “oh you are the best mommy I have EVER had, and you are SO cool.”  “How did you know I wanted these EXACT ones!!!”

Bring on the next big thing……… My work here is done!