SAHM?? WTF does that mean?

                      SAHM's really?

Why do we use the term "stay at home mom?"  It is so mainstream now that it actually has its own acronym, SAHM.   Hell everything has its own acronym now, LMAO, LOL, LMFAO, ROFLMAO, TTFN, TY, ILY, TTYL and my personal favorite, MILF.  We SAHM’s would be happy to add the acronym DILF to the mix if we could SAH long enough to actually F our own H’s.  Got that, or was it stretch?  I bet most of you got it!  Remember the one’s prior to the internet?  SINK (single income, no kids) and DINK (double income, no kids)? Back when we all had a life, a single life, or a married life that included alcohol, in copious amounts, and trips to the grocery store for beer instead of milk and juice boxes.  Well now the NK’s have turned into MK’s (many kids) so there in is the need for the SAHM!  What a freakin mouth full that was!!!   Anyway, why do we use the term SAHM? The phrase could not BE more of a contradiction.  It implies that we stay at home, racked out on the couch, eating bon bon’s and watching Dr. Phil. 

And might I suggest that you NEVER tell your wife this is the way you see her day.  It would rank right up there with, "Damn honey, what is wrong with you, you sure are snappy today, are you having your period?"  Or this one, "God you sure are bitchy, is it PMS time already?"  This is where we will either call you an

ASSHOLE

or give you one of these.

How many moms that “stay at home” actually stay at home?  Not very many I am guessing.   Lets see here is my list FOR TODAY, just today.

 Leave the house at 8:15am to take twins to school, stop at gas station, drop clothes off at the cleaners, pick up a prescription for thing 2 (the boy child), go to Time Warner cable to argue with nasty customer service (contradiction in terms) agent, regarding a bill  (we cancelled our service in Dec 09 but they are in denial so they keep charging us) I have no intention of paying.  Go to Harris Teeter (groceries) go to Fresh Market (fresh fish) swing by insurance agents office to make sure all is ok with new car, go to Erie office in Cary (God I hate Cary) to check on court letter from accident (letter to make my ticket to “go away”), meet a friend at Winston’s for lunch (damn its only noon, maybe Rome was built in a day, and probably by a SAHM) and meet in the bar (thank God because I need a drink by now).  Flag waitress down for to go order, take lunch to husband (yep back to the school again) because he has to much going on to remember that he too gets hungry, go drop off application for part time job this summer (SAHM status sucks!!!), go to toy store for two gifts for two birthday parties this weekend, then pick up the twins (last trip of the day to the school).  Take the twins to either ice cream shop or library.  Twins decide on library so we go home first to pick up library books that have been overdue since fall of 2009. (We are not staying home long enough to unbuckle the 5-point harnesses).  Go back to library and find two books to bring home that mom/dad will forget to take back until librarian with British accent calls house to remind us that it would actually be cheaper for us to go to Barnes and Noble (she is such a bitch, I would love to shove a book up her Dewey decimal system!!!). Now comes the SAH part, but certainly not the bon bon part, we are just getting home and its 4:30!  Just 30 minutes shy of a full workday.  The twins want to watch curious George, which gives me the opportunity (love it, “the opportunity”) to start dinner.  I get it rolling just in time for the show to end and its time to hit the driveway for bike riding.  Then we head to the back yard for some serious swinging (no not the adult kind, the kind that actually involves “push me higher mommy, higher”).  One would think that by now it would be close to dark right? WRONG the sun is still high in the southern sky and the twins are not even CLOSE to sleepy but daddy is hopefully close to being home, but THAT is a crapshoot.  We go inside because the state bird of the Carolina’s is the mosquito and they LUV me!  We read books, play and giggle ourselves silly until time for bed.  Daddy comes home just in time to help get teeth brushed and jammie’s on bodies.  Great, now SAHM can run downstairs, clean up from dinner and start the dishwasher.  Run to put napkins from dinner into clothes hamper only to discover its full.   Pull everything out and start a load of clothes.  Take the clothes out of the dryer and fold them, don’t worry about putting them away because we dress out of the hamper (and sometimes the dryer) because that is how we roll!  Find favorite blankets and wubbies  (bedtime buddies) just in time for daddy to finish up a book.  Fall in love all over again with kids when their faces light up because SAHM is the finder of bedtime buddies and daddy because who doesn't love a daddy right smack dab in the middle of his kids, just yummy!  Hug, Hug, Kiss, Kiss, drink of water, drink of water, kiss, kiss (because the water washed the first one off) turn on the light in guest room (because MOMMY I can't see in the dark), goodnight, goodnight, love you to the moon and back and downstairs I go!   

AAAHHH   at last, they sleep!

 I (the SAHM) finally have time to myself.  Yeah right, that means time to finish the kitchen, do more laundry, pay some bills, put all the toys away so I don’t break my fool neck at 3 am when I come downstairs for something to drink.  It is amazing how kids can booby trap a house!  When you step on a Lincoln log or a Lego in the middle of the night, which sends you careening into a table or a wall, thus introducing your other foot to a matchbox car it is almost as if you can hear your children’s voices say, “ See bitch, got ya!  Next time I ask for another juice box THINK before you say NO!”  I swear I am considering cancelling my alarm-monitoring contract because no burglar in his right mind would walk into this house in the middle of the night!  You take your life into your own damn hands; no blind person would survive it either!  You think Heather Mills McCartney lost half her leg in a friggin motorcycle accident, guess again, that gold diggin bitch lost it walking through my house in the middle of the night, we got your land mine's right here!  If it’s not the kids, it is my husband leaving his big ass shoes or brief case right in the middle of the rug (the black rug) directly in front of where I will walk!  WTF are these people I feed, love, clothe and run countless errands for trying to kill me?  Once I sit down to read my book, I realize I have not gone to the bathroom since 2pm so I go pee.  Come back, sit down, read( for 15 minutes) till my husband yawns and says,” come on honey lets go to bed, I am beat, its been a long day.”   I look at him like, I am sure it has fucker and YOU have an assistant.  I want a wife like me!!!!!