What is your
I have recently decided that I no longer want to have an ass that looks like it has been socked with a bag of hot nickles. So that means getting off said ass and doing something about it. God I hate exercise, I mean hate it like I hate snakes, liver and onions and the circus. I am not one to use the word hate but son of a bitch I HATE to exercise! It means that I have to wake up early (which pisses me off, ruins the morning of anyone around me and throws my day into a tailspin) OR take time away from my children (which I do not get much of these days) and lastly it means that I have to seriously put myself out! I prefer to put other people out so when I have to do it to myself, it just makes me more mean and nasty. I developed this wonderful idea because I cannot fit into much of anything in my closet and that presents a problem that brings my loving husband on board. He kind of takes issue with me spending exorbitant amounts of money on clothes and I kind of take issue with that SO I have to lie to him. I am not proud of this but I am also not above doing it. At the risk of outing myself I will admit that I do what lots of other wives do....shop and shop and shop but ask the sales clerk at the last store I over indulge myself in to give me one really big ass bag. I then combine all my purchases into that bag, throw all the other bags away and then put that bag in the trunk. Same goes with shoes. I have not come home with a shoe box since moses was in short pants! For the next week or so I go to the trunk (on a completely covert, reconnaissance mission) to retrieve a new article of clothing, head upstairs with it and assimilate it into the closet until the morning. He is usually asleep in his chair so he is none the wiser. When this man is asleep I could have an affair with George Clooney on the couch across from him and he would never know it. Yep, he sleeps like a dead man. The next morning IF and I do mean IF he has the nerve to speak to me while I am getting ready, he will simply say, "that is pretty, is it new?" to which I reply, "God no, I have had this for a while!" Not a lie because it has been residing in my trunk so technically it is not new. Once it crosses the 24 hour thresh hold it no longer classifies as new. That is my story and I am sticking to it! If he should read this post which will more than likely not happen I will simply say, "No honey I just wrote that for effect." Which is another lie because one of the reasons I write a blog is because it is all TRUE! All the shit I talk about really happens! Such a strange existence I lead. Writing a blog makes me realize that I am not strange but most everyone else IS!
So in my closet I tried on a shirt that was so tight I was actually scared of being trapped while trying to get it off! How the hell have I gained SO much weight that my upper body is this uncooperative? I have big boobs (large brown eyes as we refer to them in front of our children) but the boobs were not the problem here. I felt like a damn hunchback trying to get this shirt off. I quickly realized that getting this shirt off was not going to end well and it was going to become one of our many garage rags. Sucks because my mom gave this to me for mothers day 2 years ago. I continued to try to no avail. If I was being filmed I would have looked like Janice Vanmeter from Steel Magnolias while she was dancing at a wedding in a dress that was way to tight for a woman in her 60's. Two pigs fighting under a blanket. This damn thing felt like a straight jacket. All of a sudden it happened, I heard a rip! That was it, I had an incredible hulk moment and tore that sucker into shreds getting it off. This was a new low because only two years ago I was in a size 2! I don't ever want to be a size 2 again and this was not a healthy size 2 because of some major stress I was going through. My dad died and I was working for the dick of all dicks. A young man who was as dumb as a box of rocks but carried more drama with him than a group of high school cheerleaders and he made the life of everyone around him a living hell, including MINE. Once the situation with my dad was over I moved onto the next thing which was quitting that jive ass job and obviously the weight started piling back on!
So here I am having to exercise and watch what I eat again. I prefer to watch what I eat as I eat it but we all have our crosses to bear and this is one of mine so here I go....into the world of dieters, walkers and runners. I used to run alot. Now I would only run if someone was chasing me! I don't understand what the hell is wrong with all these runners and triathletes these days. I hate over achievers. I do however take solace in the fact that when they are in their 50's and 60's they will be facing knee replacements. Running is an excellent way to burn fat and stress but it is really just plain stupid because long term it wreaks havoc on our bodies. How is THAT for justification for remaining a sloth. God I love denial.
Ok so what motivates you? As much as I whole heatedly believe the diatribe above I still need to lose a few lbs and I need to be healthy. I no longer smoke and I do not drink nearly as much as I would like to so my only real vice is FOOD. SON OF A BITCH I love to eat! When I am exercising on a regular basis I can literally eat anything I want but right now I am not exercising on a regular basis. When I get to the top of a flight of stairs I sound like fatty fatterson, huffing and puffing and looking for the oxygen machine. I am walking with some girls from work. We are in all stages of shape and size. On one of our daily 40 minute lunch walks, one of the girls shared that she had already done her bit for the day so this one was just a bonus walk. I sneered at her and considered calling her an over achiever but she has recently had a baby so I cut her some slack and simply said " good for you!" I also asked her what what time she walked, since we have to be at work at the crack of ASS! She told me she got up and walked at 5am, I repeat 5AM!!! She also said she does that 4 times a week. If I am awake at 5am it damn well better be because someone needs to go to the hospital or worse so I asked her, "what is your motivation for that sort of ridiculousness." She told me that she has a picture of herself from about 10 years ago that is blown up and posted several places in her house. So torture is her motivation. whatever works for you I guess. She said, "you are watching what you eat and walking every day so what is YOUR motivation?" That made me think. I have this wonderful eating plan that can safely make me lose 2-5 pounds a week because it is a plan that combines foods that create the perfect chemical balance so you lose the weight very quickly. When I want to lose the weight I follow that plan. It helps if you exercise but it is not a must. So why then am I taking my lunch hour to walk with a group of chatting women?
Simply put, its my children. We were out of town one weekend and they acted in such a manner that I needed to chase them down. I looked out of a window of the 2nd floor of the house in which we were staying (which made getting to them mean I had to go 3 floors..because they were in the back yard). My son was wielding a damn tomato stake at my daughter like Luke Skywalker with a light saber! She was screaming and he was chasing her. My thoughts were, where the hell is my husband and is he DEAF because they are SCREAMING and other people are gawking at them! I am a mommy so I can hear what they think but dammit he is sitting on the deck right above them so when is HE going to get involved, when they bring in a gun? I was straightening my hair in front of the mirror and heard them screaming. The house was full of children but as a mom, no matter how many kids are around you know the sound of yours! Like Oprah from the color purple I thought to myself, Lord dats my own baby crying so I sprung into action. When I looked out the window, I was ready to jerk a knot into my twins AND my husband. So anyway by the time I got down to them they were now punching each other. Here comes the motivation part. I opened the door, went downstairs, pushed through the crowd, went outside, down another flight of stairs and then chased them through the yard. The look on my face was one of anger and they know this face so they finally stopped. I picked up my daughter and told my son to STAND STILL. I carried her under my arms like a sack of potatoes up the deck stairs, gave my husband major stink eye, inside through the crowd, upstairs to the bedroom. I set her down and started my diatribe on her. Holy crap, I can't talk! She is looking at me and I am out of breath. It went something like this, "y y y you, (huff, puff, ) si si si sit still, you can can cannot act like that (huff huff puff puff)! Oh my GOD I am out of breath.....! She is looking at me as if to say, "come on chubby, spit it out." She has a grin on her face. I stop trying to speak and try to breathe! When I can get my words together I tell her to SIT STILL, I will be right back. I carry it one step further with the, IF YOU MOVE, YOU WILL BE SORRY. She looks back at me like, yeah fatty, if I move the only thing that will really happen is you will need a damned ambulance to catch me! I slowly walk down to get her brother. I am dizzy, sweating and I think I may even puke.
I get down to him and he is standing there just like I told him to. I carry him upstairs in the same fashion, again passing my husband and giving him stink eye. I hate him right now, sitting peacefully with his beer and talking to the other dads. I get upstairs and plop him down on the bed with his sister. I scold them about how they were acting and tell them to sit still until they can act like the aught to act! They know what this means just as I did when my parents said it to me when I was their age. In the south that statement carries an enormous amount of responsibility because it puts our actions right back on us! Act like you aught to is really act like you aughta! When you here that it means, ok no more bull shit, do the right thing! I told them they could come out when they were ready to act like they aughta! I went downstairs and drank a glass of water, sat down and waited for my ticker to beat like it should. I looked like an old fat southern woman who had been out in the heat for to long. Paper towel swabbing my face, newspaper fanning myself and drinking water like it was going out of style!
My thought process was, damn this is ridiculous! I cannot be this out of shape, how did this happen? I may have told them to sit still and reminded them of why how they were acting made them look more like urchin little yard apes than the sweet children I know but in all actuality, they won. I was completely shadoobie shattered! If the house caught fire I could no more run out than a woman who weighed 500lbs! I decided that it had to change. My twins need me around and I need to be able to play with them, not just chase them down when they are not acting like the aughta! I stopped smoking because I want to be around and not cough up a lung so I need to get off my lazy ass and take better care of myself. As a mommy we worry more about our families health than our own. We make sure our husbands eat right and keep their cholesterol down, make sure they go get their yearly checkups so they stay healthy, keep on them to buy more life insurance so if their tickers do jump ship we are well taken care of. Hahahaha had to throw that in there, I was sounding to much like a supportive wife. Seriously though we make sure our children do not eat to much sugar, get the proper amount of sleep and exercise but we neglect ourselves. SO my motivation is to be around for my children and my husband. These are the people I love most in the world so it benefits me to think about what their lives would be like without me. Although I am sure they would be happier without me bitching about the messes they make and how tired I am and how all I do is take care of other people, they would not like a world that does not include me. To quote my husband when I almost died during the birth of our twins, "Buck up baby, this life we have doesn't work without you." Serious pressure huh?
So I am now exercising and watching what I eat. I am walking 40 minutes, 5 days a week and doing floor exercises that make me hate myself and just about everyone else. My abdominal muscles hurt like hell and I am hungry! But I look at my sweet children and I don't care! They are my motivation to keep myself healthy and young acting. I hope and pray that I can be around for their children as my mom is for them! So off I go, into the wild blue yonder...well not really but into my neighborhood to walk off some of the fat that surrounds my heart and my thighs. But dammit I don't have to like it!
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