Question: What is a southerner and how does one go about becoming one?
Answer:
What is a southerner? wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn - Definition in context says that a southerner is an American that lives in the south. Well that may be accurate by geographical perspectives but by that rationale it sounds like just any old person can be a southerner and that is just simply as wrong as rain.
I once heard someone ask her mother in law what she had to do to become southern. This question stopped all conversation and even made a few of us fan ourselves and sit down as if E.F. Hutton had walked into the room. We didn't know whether to drive her home or go ahead and make funeral arrangements for her. This woman, her mother in law stopped what she was doing, put down the wooden spoon which she was using to stir a pitcher of ice tea (sweet tea that is), looked at her like she had a snake on her head and began to answer. It wasn't the most pleasant of answers and was sourly salted with the "bless her heart" type of sarcasm that we douse our answers with when we know we are dealing with a special kind of idiot, BUT it was a good answer. She looked over the top of her bifocals and said in a sweet, slow and VERY southern voice, "Darlin the side of the Mason Dixon line you and your people were born on, the aggravating lack of drawl in your voice and way you write your thank you notes means that no matter how long you live here, your children's children will never be southern"! So from that point on, my answer to this question is very simple and to the point, be born in the south. However, a true southerner or anyone who has dealt with a southerner knows there is no such thing as an answer that goes straight to the point. We (southerners) do everything by stories and landmarks so the only way to get to a great answer is to set out on a voyage for it. Everyone knows that to get to old man Tucker's farm you have to go down that road over there until you get to the purple house, hang a left and go down yonder to the little church on the right and bear to the right. Go around the bend and turn by the big oak and the red mailbox and there you are! Go in for a tomato sandwich, a glass of tea and a slice of buttermilk pie, they love the company! We do things quite differently here but to us it is what it is and its all we know so don't try to change us, speed us up or try to make us do things your way. If you don't like it our way or the way we do it, highway 95 and interstate 40 run both ways so go back from where you came.
A southerner is a person(lets say a lady) who was born here, can cook anything and everything southern you may desire while also holding a baby on her hips, wearing a dress AND designer high heels and sporting a pair of pearls that belonged to her great grandmother. She does not complain about doing all this at the same time because all the ladies that came before her did the same thing but they did it without air conditioning. She can change her own oil or tire (but won't do it if there is a gentleman around because why should she?). She can gut a fish, bait her own hook and tell you everything you need to know about ACC basketball. She went to a girls college and dated a boy at one of the colleges near her (married him too) and she juggles a career, children, church, playgroups and a book club or two all at the same time. She is the first person to go meet the new neighbor and take a casserole or pie and will be the first one to show up to cook for you when you are sick or someone dies. A southerner is a person who knows all to well that writing a thank you note is a lot like voting, it is not just your right, it is your duty so make sure you do it well because we talk about you! Etiquette is a religion and we worship at the alter of Emily Post. Her book on this topic is something southern women are given just prior to her debut into society and it is used often. I had to buy a second copy before I was 25 because my first one fell apart. It is a bible for the southern woman. We know most of the stuff in it because it was drilled in us as children but it never hurts to have a reference now does it? A southerner knows how to throw a party, the proper time to serve a bloody Mary, when to wear white, but more importantly when not to, when to plant a garden, who your mother was before she was married, whether you come from new money or old (believe me there is a difference) and who brought the seersucker suit into existence. A southerner also knows that being southern is not just an art that is envied by some and loathed by others, it is also something given by the grace of God and a little geography. You can move here and thanks to every magazine since the fall of the 2008 stock market, many of you have. You may like it and you may even stay but you will never really be a part of us because you were not born in the south.
So in conclusion, to us if you are not a southerner then do not try to be southern or blend in, just peacefully, quietly co-exist, pay your bills, keep your yard mowed and for God sakes follow the restrictive covenants of your neighborhood homeowners association. We don't care how you decorate the inside of your home away from home but please try to make the outside look pleasant by not planting plastic flowers! Most simply put, if you are not from here (of course I mean born here) then to us, you are like the common head cold. An irritating nuisance we can't do a lot about but tolerate, until it goes away.
Take care now, and god bless y'all.
hahaha! one more thing about southern directions - the most genuine always includes some landmark that used to be but is no longer there - as in - go down past where the station used to be then turn by where that old barn burned down back where uncle Jerry used to hang 'baccer. there's a short cut behind the school but don't miss the dirt road where Joe had his flat tire. you'll see it right across the street from where Brenda used to babysit the Kinley's. Thanks HH - I love your stories!
ReplyDelete