The Wife The Ring and The Masters.

Woke up in a fowl mood this morning (laid out chicken for dinner...play on words and all.) no wonder I woke up ill (that's southern for mad as hell)...I do not recall falling asleep. For some reason lately sleep seems to be eluding me. (Will post about that later) So not only am I the walking wounded, counter productive, sluggish and mainlining coffee...I am also in a really bad mood. Throw a little PMS in the mix and you can color me a carbon based life form in major need of an attitude adjustment.
Status update, for you face bookers... Queen is: PWP (posting while pms-ing) or would that be for twitter? I don't twitter!

So watching the Today show this morning...a 20-minute segment on Tiger Woods returning to Golf. Will Elin be with him and will she be wearing her ring? No Shit...this was a major news story. Healthcare system in shambles, war going on ...well not really a war anymore...you know just our troops over in foreign lands hanging out, defusing bombs, protecting people who some of which do not want them there or care that they are there, sleeping in tents, dealing with sand storms and god forbid, huge spiders and snakes. 3 children in our country (that we know of) are missing, car accidents are happening because Toyota cannot figure out how to actually make a car run and stop the way it is suppose to. Now Honda jumps on gas pedal or brake bandwagon, our economy sucks ass...and a major news story is The Wife the Ring and The Masters?? I love Matt Lauer and will continue to do so because I am choosing to believe that he saw THIS little goody on the docket and said to his producers...hell no make Meredith or Anne talk about that bullshit! Where in the world is Matt Lauer? Somewhere covering a story people will actually give a shit about!

Don't get me wrong I feel sorry for Elin and all because what happened to her would suck out loud. But hey, nothing like multiple millions of dollars to make a bride feel a wee bit better about her husband getting busted for slamming about 18 holes in one news segment. I feel sorry for him too, two and half months in rehab for sexual addiction must have sucked. Or would it blow?? Blow is only an expression so it must have sucked! Yeah that's it...moving on now...hold on... isn't rehab for quitters? Boy, do you look forward to graduating from that program or what??? Do you really want to stay with a man who should carry the tag line...SEX...? JUST SAY NO. Wait, that’s drugs...thank you Nancy Regan... and it would be SEX JUST SAY NO. TO GOUPIES (that’s golf groupies)...I digress...which I am good at. Then to have to go on the news...which made all sorts of ridiculous people who are suppose to be working for the man...post pictures of their offices...sitting down around conference tables watching his "little ditty” Way to be productive middle America. Oh come on kicking a brotha while is down is straight up fun! This is when I felt sorry for Tiger because he looked more like a lamb...the sacrificial kind, than a Big time golfer... Like a wild Indian looking for a place to take shit.... not a comfortable place to be I would imagine. How come when the average man who thinks he is a God, a Rock Star, and gift to all women decides to go offshore drilling... no one wants him to do a news conference? BUT we do all want to watch his sorry ass go down in divorce court now don't we...hell yeah we do.... we hope you end up on food stamps to you dirt dick!

Back to today's segment. The news folks with gleams in their eyes talked about Tiger making his come back...come on 2 month out of the media doesn't really classify as a come back but ok... He will come back at the Masters and will Elin be there...and more importantly will she be wearing her ring. Hell I for one would be more interested in whether or not she is wearing underwear...and if she is a shaver or a waxer???? But they really wanted to know if she would be wearing her ring. Skip to Photography meetings in Augusta...goes something like this... Now, people we don't care about clothing, who else is there, or the game of golf...because after all someone will win and get that hideous green jacket ...that my friends is a foregone conclusion.... so what we want, is for you to focus on is the left hand of the wife of the promiscuous putter himself. Not the right hand, we don't care if she is wearing Yurman, Hardy or a mood ring on the other hand just the left hand, fourth finger... got it? The digit that contains the artery connection that takes it to the heart. (AKA THE ring finger). Any Questions? Ok, you in the back....new guy, waz your question? What if she is carrying the baby? Fuck the kids, we all got um...we only want to be the first to get the shot of the ring or the empty finger...got it...good now lets get out there and stalk some people.

Here is how the morning went....

Meanwhile...back at the mansion.... Somewhere in Augusta... in a crazy big house (on that golf course. of course) that a family moved out of.... empties of everything. Redecorates and rents out to a humble millionaire for a week, of his or her life, at the masters. Elin is getting dressed. Kids...mommy needs some help.... should I wear the white shorts. (Elin thinks to self...is the masters after Easter??) The masters is in the south bitch it better be if you plan on wearing white shorts...cause WE don't care how they do it in Sweden. We will talk about your ass even if your husband was caught diddling the Pope! Should I wear pink shirt, red shirt (blondes look great in red) tennis shoes, Jimmy Choo's or croc's (do people wear those anymore? Hair up or down, baseball cap? Yes no? Come on guys I need some help; this is a big day for daddy! Earrings. Hoops or diamonds? Fast-forward 2 hours later. Mommy is dressed and is a pretty picture of Swedish beauty I am betting. Breakfast is over, house is cleaned up, expensive sunglasses are on face and babies are loaded into rented range rover. While starting car...kids scream MOMMY juice boxes...don't forget (mine scream this...maybe hers do????) Shit, says Elin...lemme get out and get them, mommy almost forgot. While reaching for the handle of the refrigerator that is in the garage.... she notices HAH, I don't have my rings on.... damn, he did cheat...should I wear the ring, will anyone notice, what will they think...am I forgiving him, will they like me if I do, damn is the ring clean? Do I have time for that.... damn it...the whole world of golf feels sorry for his punk ass...lemme go get the ring, I so don't have time for this.... comes back, jumps in rover... kids... MOMMY… GET THE JUICE BOXES!!!! Elin...jeez with the juice boxes... opens the frig (and you bet your sweet ass its the swedish, energy saving kind) looks in.see's all the way to the back... NO FREAKIN JUICE BOXES... kids, we are out of juice boxes, sweeties mommy is so sorry...kids ... lose their shit, scream, cry, pitch proverbial fits, and cut mommy Elin NO slack... stressing mommy out and making her feel like a loser for running out of such a key item to the life and moods of a toddler. Elin says to herself.... damn...we are running so late, I will never get a parking place now... FUCK IT I AM NOT GOING TO THE MASTERS!!! Must go grocery shopping instead...because someone in this family has to have their priorities on the right green.
There in lies the news story.... no big deal right.... wearing your jewelry or not doesn't really factor into the life of a busy mom for more than a fleeting moment while she quickly moves on to what really counts. Sure wish the media could do this!