OK
bitches, I retired early
I
am no longer working
Maybe
now....
I
can take up twerking?
A
needed break in my career
I
am a stay at home mom
I
can finally sleep late
It
is gonna be THA BOMB
Its
gonna be G R E A T! I’ll bake
cookies
And
volunteer in their class
Then
a friend reminds me
Other
kids are a pain in the ass.
Quickly
learning rest is for the wicked
And
the righteous don’t need it
my
yard needs work….
Maybe
I will try to seed it?!?!
So
I gave up my job
And
fired my maid
I
am going to clean, work out and diet
Be
a shadow of what I once weighed
Hmmm
mmmm free time for me
That
ain’t right
It
takes more than one mommy
To
keep a house tight!
I
have never worked harder
Or
worked for less dollars
But
they tell me it is rewarding
To
be raising a couple of scholars.
Who
the hell are THEY
Sister
wives no doubt
Cause
there is no other way
To
bust all this shit OUT!
Rewarding
it is
So
not to be lessened or diminished
But
nothing ever seems
To
be completed. Done. Finished.
The
clock goes off
Let
the whining begin
Boom!
I am on trial
I
feel like Ann Boleyn
They
go for the jugular
Fresh
out of bed
No
visions of sugarplums
Up
in THEIR heads!
Turn
off the lights NOW mommy
It
is just too bright
Who
made them vampires
In
the middle of the night!
My
cereal is soggy
Make
me pancakes instead!!
It
is only soggy cause you’ve been bitching
Since
you crawled out of bed!?!?!
I
have nothing to wear
Can
you PLEASE wash some clothes???
If
I don’t get these czars out of my house
It’s
gon come to blows.
It
is STILL TOO bright mommy
SWEETIE,
I need the light to make lunches
Yea
well you SHOULD make them at night
Damn
girl child is throwing low punches!
Really?
Starting tomorrow
You
can make them yourself!
Cause
my ass is TIRED
Of
playing the lunch elf!
Great
start to the day
Hugs
and kisses at the door
Can
y'all get the hell out please?
I
gotta mop the floor!
Why
do we bother?
Because
once they come back
They
whole entire house
Will
be a dirt track.
I
sit to have coffee
Maybe
it will warm my black heart
Damn
this morning was awful
Can
I get a fresh start?
Speaking
of start
I
have a date with the laundry
Wash
clothes or clean bathrooms
My
my, what a quandary!
(what we actually look like)
I
feel like Cinderella
But
look more like Maxine
There
is a pile on the island
Containing
4 new magazines
Who
has time to read?
This
place is a mess
I
go to the pantry
And
begin to assess
The
damage done there
By
the pillage and plunder
Of
kids after school
Who
roll in like thunder.
When
they come home they are starving
And
grunt like cavemen
Sigh,
I could use a wife like me
Every
now and then.
I
sit for a second
In
my chair that rocks
What
is that smell??
Damn,
the litter box!
Clean
that box of nasty
So
it’s fresh for the cat
I
can tell you right NOW
Ain’t
nobody got time for that!
Off
to the store
Then
back to pay bills
I
am organizing this hizzle
With
all my mad skillz!
In
a flurry of activity
The
school calls, how nice
Stop
what you are doing
We
have a breakout of LICE!
Oh
hell NO…!
We
had those last year!!
If
everyone THERE has them
Why
bring them HERE?!?!?!
Oh
yea, damn they are mine
I
gotta go pick um up.
still
drinking coffee
but
now there is scotch in my cup!
Nothing
strikes fear
In
the heart of a mommy
Like
the words HEAD LICE!!!
Seriously,
I would prefer a tsunami!
The
things you must do now
Make
you cry, cuss and frown
I
swear it would be easier
To
just burn your house down!
Now
washing blankets, stuffed animals
Bedding,
pillows and hair
I
find myself sniveling, catatonic
And
babbling the Lords prayer.
My
poor kids are clean now
But
have been put through the ringer
I
think they finally understand
Why
mommy is a drinker.
I
am tired and hungry
Bedraggled
and wet
My
knuckles are bleeding
Is
this day over yet?
Now
chance! onto dinner
Can
we please just eat cake?
Seriously?? With all this drama??
Do
you think I had time to bake?
This
is all in a day
And
it doesn’t come close
To
being anywhere near over
And
it is just one fifth of the dose.
There
are five of these suckers
A
whole damn week
Being
a stay at home mom
Is
not for the meek.
This
shit is serious
Always
something to do
I
need to find another job
Before
I become a shrew.
The
worst of the story
And
much to my horror
I
have to wake up
And
do it again tomorrow.
You
will get into your groove
That
is what my friends say
What
I NEED is a friend
With
cigarettes and an ashtray!
I
don’t even smoke
But
I swear it sounds good
I
would smoke one as long as my arm
Right
now if I could!
After
dinner its bath time
Then
books and to bed
Would
y’all stop messing around
And
just do as I said?
please
go to sleep
because
tomorrow comes early
Don’t
you want mommy happy
Instead
of surly?
Some
time before dawn
My
husband arrives
Says
how was your day dear?
Looks
like you survived.
I
start from the beginning
Imma
tell him the whole story
Wait,
what is that noise??
Hhmmff
that motha fucka is snoring!
I
will follow my own damn advice
And
just go to sleep
Then
in the morning start on the laundry
That
is still in a heap.
SAHM
for a few days
And
my ass is ready to drop
To
all stay at home moms…
You
got it, props!
The
next one to ask “What do y'all do all day,
Meet
friends and have lunch”??????
Gets
a kick in the nads
And
a massive throat punch!
