Why is this taking SO long

We are almost at the two-week cut off for the sleep schedule thingy.  Why is this taking so long!  I am tired, they are tired and I have landed both feet into frustration.  Completely disgusted is gaining on me and I am sure to feel beaten when that hits.  I did this when they were 2 years old and it was easier.  They were less mobile and less able to fight the process.  When all else failed then, we had the dreaded doorknob.  I love the doorknob; it was acceptable where a pad lock is not.  It is designed to keep kids out of a room but we totally used it to keep kids IN a room.  Worked like a charm.   Years after the doorknob was removed, it still struck a cord with the twins when we mentioned it.  "You had better stay in your room tonight and sleep, I would hate to use dum dum dummmmm, THE DOOR KNOB."  They would look at us with wide eyes, like the OMG I just saw Santa coming out of the chimney, eyes and magically they would settle right down.  

                                                         The Doorknob

Story behind the doorknob.

Daddy was out of town and I thought it was time to move the twins out of their cribs.  The next two nights that I went through were hell and doing it while daddy was out of town was the only way to get er done!  He would never have survived it and would have stopped me cold in my tracks.  See Below.

They were climbing out of the cribs (once this starts it is time to do away with the cribs.  The challenge is over AND its all fun and games until someone breaks an arm) and playing in their room until that got boring, then they migrated out into the hall and made their way downstairs.  Back in this day I was less worried about them coming down stairs and aggravating me and more worried about them falling down the steps.  I started taking the cribs apart and OH MY GOD!  I was wicked pregnant when he put them together but I swear I do not remember him using titanium, a sauter gun and super glue.  I tried using screwdriver after screwdriver and nothing was budging!  I even used a hammer and a chisel and got a little movement.  This told me I needed the big guns so I went into the garage and summoned the axe.  I made the twins sit on the guest bed, which is across the hall, and in no way close to the scene of the crime that was about to take place.  I will never forget the look on their faces.... oh yeah, this bitch is crazy and daddy left us here with HER.  I went to work with the axe and after not to terribly long, I had the makings of a good fire.  Chips and pieces everywhere!  There is more than one way to skin a cat and I was pretty sure that now I did not need to bother with eBay or good will for these cribs...they were toothpicks now!  I cleaned up the mess and redecorated their rooms.  They were now going to sleep on the crib mattresses on the floor until I decided what kind of bedroom suites I wanted for them.  Dark was on its way and I was going to need help with bedtime.  Our toddler whisperer had given me some advice, I had formulated a plan and I was ready to go.  I was getting nervous and thought, I can't do this alone, and I need a friend with a Quaalude and a blindfold!  SO daddy being out of town, I enlisted another wing man, my best friend.  Not just for moral support but also for a witness that my children went unharmed.  She got here, we all had dinner, read books and time for bed.  We administered good night kisses and explained that if they got out of bed and left their room that I would first close the door.  Took about 10 minutes and I had to mommy up and close the door.  I explained then that the next step was to use the new doorknob.  I didn't explain the level of difficulty with said doorknob; I was going to let them figure that out for themselves.  Again, 10 minutes later.... I had to use the doorknob.  My friend and I went upstairs, turned on the light and put the doorknob on.  I pinched my fingers 3 times trying to get that sucker on!  Finally it snapped into place and it was on!  We stood outside the door and waited.  We were both sweating like thieves for what was about to happen.  All of a sudden plop plop, we heard little feet hit the floor and whispering going on.  30 seconds later, the doorknob started trying to turn.  Nothing, then the other twin tried, and again...nothing.  They started talking to each other.  "Help me, help me get this door open."  "I am trying, I can't get it."  It escalated from there and suddenly the screaming started.  

                                                                          +

                                                          

                                                                     =

                                                    AND

We paced the floor waiting.  I was crying, best friend was crying, twins were screaming.  I went downstairs and took a shot of tequila and went out onto the deck to smoke a cigarette!  This sucks!  Came back upstairs and looked at my friend, it was now her turn to go downstairs for a couple shots of courage.  What happened next made us both laugh and cry.  The door knob stopped rattling but the screaming got worse...." MOMMY MOMMY PLEASE LET US OUT, MOMMY MOMMY PLEAAASSSSEEEE"!!!!!"  We heard something at the bottom of the door and looked down to find twenty little fingers feverishly trying to break free and find mommy.  OMG, now I know how the people working for Hitler must have felt.  I decided right then that if I ever wrote a book, the chapter that covered sleeping would be called Nights in concentration camping!  It seriously looked like the gas chamber in Auschwitz!  Fingers under the door and screams for freedom.  My friend said, "Just go downstairs...this is bothering me but it’s killing you."  She was right.  I went downstairs and took another shot.  Went back upstairs and stood with her for a few minutes (we were 45 minutes into this process now) the screaming stopped and it got silent.  We waited a few more minutes and then decided to go in.  The twins were both on their mattresses sound asleep.  The boy child was all the way on his and the girl was half on and half off when she gave it up.  We loved on them both and came downstairs to recover.

My husband called that night and said, "Hey honey how are you?  How are the twins?"  He also added, "you sound tired."  Shit he had no idea.  I knew none of the above could have been done with him in residence (he can't handle the tough love parenting thing) but I also figured he would hit the roof when I told him how it went down.  I started my story.  I was sure to tell him that I had gotten advice on how to do this from our source.  I wanted him to blame her or at least hate us both but more than anything understand that I was not evil just determined to keep them in bed and proceed with a good schedule for sleep.  He went silent for the most part when I told him I enlisted an axe.  I think he imagined this......

I also went in even further to ask him who the hell he put those cribs together for, King Kong?  Those things would have survived if our house blew away!  He laughed at his handy work but was still silent.  I went on to tell him about the doorknob, fingers under the door, shots, and the 45 minutes in hell and then softened the blows by telling him how we found the twins when we entered the room.  To my shock he said he was proud of me for doing it and that he could never had survived it without going in while they were screaming.  Did he mean this or was he just trying not to poke a sleeping bear?  I didn't say much other than, "well, thank you honey but we will see how tomorrow goes."  

The next night was a piece of cake, 20 minutes with the door closed of them talking and playing around and boom! Sound asleep and I never had to use the dreaded doorknob.  These are bright children.

Back to Current Day......

Fast forward 2 years and we are trying sleep schedule revamping.  I think we are on night number 4 now.  My husband and I look like two people who are coming down from a 6-week drunk.  We are tired, irritable and frustrated with the nights.  We have one good one and one bad one.  They sleep one night and act like the flying monkeys the next, compete with the music!  Make no mistake about it, we know the nights they sleep are not because of our mad parenting skills but because they are EXHAUSTED.  So last night we tried dum dum duummmmm...THE DOOR KNOB again.  Hell why not, worked WELL the first time so why shouldn't it work this time.  The twins are still pixie small and that doorknob is a bitch so lets give it a shot.  My husband dug through the hall closet until he found it.  Ahhhh, sleep cometh!  Well you CAN read our poker faces and we are stoked, hard to hide it.  Our twins say nothing and we tell them nothing about our plans.  We put the doorknob on and close the door then come downstairs and settle in watching TV.  

We hear the feet hit the floor and the twins begin playing around.  No big deal as long as they stay in their room I don't care if they fall asleep on the dresser or in the closet.  Pretty soon they will figure out the door knob is back and we will embrace trauma as she pays us a visit.  You never know. Maybe we will even get a Passover on this visit?  NOPE, not this time.  It is different though, they start to wiggle the doorknob but there is no screaming or yelling.  It is silent.  We look at each other and think SAWEEEET!  We won this one, thank god for the doorknob.

Then, our happiness was crushed and we both felt like we had a big "L" on our foreheads.  We both have several college degrees between us and a combined 40 years of work experience under our belts and we have been outsmarted by two 4 year olds.  There was no noise from upstairs at all but you know.... as a parent, you sense when something is going on.  You just know they are up to something....primarily it is the quiet that gives it away right?   My husband and I were watching the door to the foyer and waiting to see little faces come through it.  Right on the other side of that door is the staircase.  Our eyes were glued to the doorway for twins when all of a sudden, THE DOOR KNOB slams up against the front door and rolls into the den.  No words, no laughing, no anything.  Nothing was needed, they won and they knew it.

They went into their room and both went to bed and went right to sleep.  The next time I go in there I am going to look at the wall to see if they are keeping score.

Sleep Chronicles Day 2

Snafu Day 2

Day two was much less of a snafu, so maybe we are making progress?   I was worried in the beginning of the night because I was going to be by myself (daddy had a meeting) and I have PMS(partial hysterectomy so yes I still have PMS) so I am just plain bitchy and need to be where people are not.

Raising children really IS like being pecked to death by chickens and when you need some space, the only thing you can count on is not getting it.  Bad mood in full swing, I am thinking how the hell can we expect to get them back on schedule if our schedule is different all the time?  Meetings, late dinners, grocery store visits, prescription pick ups, etc.  While in the throws of being mad at the world and uncomfortable in my own skin I realized something very important.  A household full of people (no matter who you are) is a powder keg of schedules and activity that can BLOW at any given moment causing a snafu.  My point is that there will always be something tossed into the mix to screw things up, thus making retaining a schedule even more important.  K, stop the pre panic and get on with the program!  Daddy had to leave around 7ish for a meeting, this is bad because I don’t want to lose my wing man and it’s yet another change when we are trying to regain a schedule but actually good for attempting bedtime.  When you do not have the two parent dichotomy, things go much more smoothly.  Not sure why this is but this beggar ain't about to be a chooser.   The twins were EXHAUSTED from their actions on night # 1 so that should help and the boy child had some what of a toxic melt down just prior to bed so he successfully wore himself out.

Game on

Daddy gave me the much needed time I was bitching about not having earlier by taking the twins up to get ready for bed while I cleaned the downstairs.  It is amazing how after a meal, the hard wood and rug under the dinner table look like the floor of a circus tent.  Hans Christian Andersen must have lived with twins because he was onto something with The Princess and the pea! One little pea can mess up A LOT and when you get a bevy of them on the floor you have a crash liability.   I have literally thrown my back out by slipping on ONE of those little suckers!  I swear I should lobby Insurance Companies to start allowing us to cover our homes with collision and liability insurance.  Anyway, I digress.

I finished clean up and arrived upstairs to a screaming boy.  It seems he had “acted up” and disrupted book time so daddy excommunicated him from the reading.  Pissed off and tear ridden, he went into their room to find all their “friends” and books had been removed.  He asked me, “WHHHHHYYY” and he sounded much like Nettie from the Color Purple.  Pitiful just pitiful but I just looked at him and said, “I think you know why.”  He screamed and cried and told me how unfair it was of us.  He even threw in a “well if you loved us, you WOULD NEVER take our BOOKS.”  Even I had to give him an A for effort on that one…way to go dude, notice, point out and crucify me for taking the educational material but don’t even think of mentioning the missing Scooby Doo crew and Mystery Machine.  Yep, I am common as dog shit for taking the books. I thought to myself because thoughts are free, I too am tired so do I feel a trace of sorry or guilt over it?  Nope, Nada, zilch!  You two will sleep tonight if I have to make this damn bedroom look as stark and institutional as a bedroom in a homeless shelter!  “Hey don’t we have cots out in the garage…boy that would really make an impact!  OK now I AM being evil.  I don’t want to disturb them into years of therapy, I am sure that will come when they are teenagers, right now I just get them back into good sleeping habits.  I sat down in the chair for a few minutes because he was crying about not being able have a book read to him.  I explained that he was removed from the book reading because he was being disruptive so why should he get to come in here and be read a book?  He didn’t like it but he understood and came to sit in my lap and get some hugs and kisses.  “Will you at least give me some love love mommy, is that ok?”  OK, now he is really pushing that knife in DEEP.  We snuggle in the chair until his sister enters the room. 

She comes in with her daddy and is ready for bed about 15 minutes later and daddy exits to go to his meeting.  I give them each a few books and 10 minutes to read with the light on.  Ten minutes later I come back up to turn out the light, take the books and administer last hugs and kisses for the night.  I get downstairs and they begin to chatter.  I also hear them (well her) sneaking again into other regions of the house looking for all the toys that had been removed.  THIS is where it’s hard for me to not go up and bust them cold and make them get back into bed.  I also hear that it is just her so I know it won’t be long before she settles because without her partner is crime she won’t hang on for long.  I turn the TV louder and keep my seat.  Mantra:  It doesn’t matter where in the house they fall asleep, as long as they fall asleep.  House is a safe zone, house is a safe zone, just let it be mommy you can’t control everything!  I repeat this over and over and over until my daughter is standing right in front of my face.  She says in a very angry voice, “I WANT TO GO SLEEP IN THE GUEST BEDROOM!”   I ignore her until she pushed the computer closed and repeats it AGAIN but louder.  I want to laugh but instead I look at her and shake my head no and point to the stairs.  She is steaming mad and I can see it.  I think she wanted to spit green pea soup at me.  Her reaction was probably one that I would have done and probably did do a few times.  She rolled her eyes, shook her 4 year old head and grabbed HER Hello Kitty blanket that I was comfortably wrapped up in.  Damn that is one warm blanket!  She wrapped it around her neck, (with a little help from me so she wouldn’t fall) she snubbed her nose at me as if to say, screw you bitch the blanket is MINE!  She turned on her heels and headed for the steps and disappeared around the corner.

Approximately 30 minutes later I went upstairs to make sure they were not asleep on top of the dresser or hanging from any light fixtures.  They were once again sound asleep in their own beds.  Hell to the yeah this one is a full on victory!  He was on his side, breathing quietly with all his friends, looked as though he had not moved since I gave him the military tuck in.  She was buck naked, face down with one arm and one leg hanging off the bed like a drunk that had wandered in and crashed!  With her right hand, she was gripping one of her stuffed animals by the neck, HARD.  The Hello Kitty blanket she lifted from me was on the floor just inside the door.  I laughed SO hard then I re-dressed her and covered her up with her comforter, gave them both kisses and left the room.  I stopped at the door and picked up the Hello Kitty blanket and took that sucker back downstairs with me!  It is one warm damn blanket.  Sometimes mommy’s DO get the last word! 

The sleep sanfu with Thing One and Thing Two

The sleep SNAFU with Thing One and Thing Two

Working full time again and rounding out month 4…the twins are still on a bit of a schedule roller coaster, no exaggeration to say we have a situation normal all f’d up!  We also tossed another turd into the punch bowl recently by moving them into the same room.  They wanted this move and I cannot fathom why BUT I am an only child so I never understand why anyone wants to share anything especially their room??  Hell, I have been married longer than I ever lived on my own and I still have trouble sharing my room. 

The last thing to tackle in getting them back on track is the sleeping situation.  You got it; we saved the hardest one for last.  I dread bedtime for them like a yeast infection!  It is painful some nights and takes forever!  They still go to bed at regular time but now they jump, play, talk, lights on, lights off, mommy I am going to pee, mommy I need some water, mommy I need a kiss cause the water washed it off, PLEEEZZZZ come snuggle with me, AND they also come downstairs for attention.  We have let this happen because we are tired and that produces lazy parenting sometimes.  Judge me, I don’t give a damn cause sometimes we all do what it takes to just get the job done.  When the night gets out of hand or we can’t take it anymore, we relegate one of them to the guest bedroom and this settles it in 5 minutes.  However, this cannot continue because THEY wanted to sleep in the same room again and I like my occasional stay in the guest suite.  Everyone likes to sleep alone from time to time.  The worst thing now going on is that they are coming to us in the middle of the night and either waking us to get in bed with them OR they are crawling in with us.  NOT a good habit.  I mean, master bedrooms are supposed to be where the magic happens right?  NOT where twins crawl in between the master and his Mrs.   I love to snuggle with my children and on special occasion its fine for them to crawl in with us but on a regular basis, oh hell NO.  My bedroom is my domain and you must ask to be in there and act right if you intend to stay…I hold their father to this same standard. 

                                        I am not THIS difficult, really

Now I am sure this is the point where I will get all the messages about how wrong folks think I am. Oh come on now….its fine to let your child sleep with you until he/she is a teenager, why must you take such a hard line hillbilly?  These are probably the same people who breastfeed their children until they take the SAT’s!  Guess what? these are my opinions, I don’t care how you do it in your house…this is how we roll in ours!  With all that said, I miss the days of hugs, kisses, good night we love you, light out and BOOM kids are asleep.  It gave us lots of time with them and lots of time with each other AND made for a peaceful morning.  I need that back and so do my children because we are schedule oriented and very regimented people.  When we are off track we are all evil.  SO cheers to us for trying to regain healthy sleep patterns.  I have a bottle of Patron and a pack of cowboy killers in the freezer and I am not afraid to use them if this process doesn’t go well.  I have literally worn a path in the planks of my deck from pacing and have cigarette bushes growing at the base of this deck from 4.5 years of child rearing and hell I don’t even smoke anymore!

                                         Back in the Day!

Bringing the fun to night number one.

We got some tips from a person I affectionately call the toddler whisperer on things to do that will help thing’s one and two.  Biggest tip from her?  This is not going to be fun and it will get worse before it gets better.  Great, I just love a challenge that starts out like this. 

We sat down to dinner and decided to have a “family meeting”.  I was not expecting a lot (a meeting with 4 year olds???) but no food was thrown and no one cried so by and large it went rather well. 

We told them that bedtime would be different from here on in.  We were going to do bath time, brush teeth, read books, hugs and kisses and then mommy and daddy are off the clock for the rest of the night.  Got it?  Mommy and daddy are closed!  We said we trust you to put yourselves to sleep because you are big now and you know how to do it right?  They said, “Well of course we do mommy.”  And they rolled their eyes.  We let them choose three “friends” (our word for stuffed animals) that will help them get to sleep or get back to sleep if they wake up.  Then we told them there will be no talking or coming to mommy and daddy, peace out little brotha and sista now get her done, go to sleep, we will NOT talk to you anymore for the rest of the night.  For all you Pollyanna’s out there, (can’t believe you are still reading my stuff, first of all) we are not Hitler, if someone needs us we are there but every parent knows the difference between the “oh hell, something is really wrong cry” from the “and the academy award goes to_____, cry”.  We had some more conversation about the subject and the family meeting was adjourned.  During clean up my husband and I remarked about how well it went and then sauntered upstairs to begin the new revolution. 

Back downstairs; we assumed our usual positions (him in his chair reading, me on the couch playing on the computer or watching TV) and hope and pray that they stay in bed.  No such luck.  Slowly but surely all hell began breaking lose upstairs.  OMG, what now???  Feeling frustration and FEAR, we are having a "WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT" moment.  My husband and I look at each other like Roy Scheider in Jaws when he first see’s the shark

Since we are NOT interacting anymore NO MATTER WHAT!!!!  I decided there was something I needed from my room so I could go have a look see.  DAMN, the lights were on, they were jumping from bed to bed, every “friend” in the room was now on their beds, ottoman was gone, chair was turned backwards, all the drawers in the room were open and clothes were hanging from them and books scattered all about the room!  I thought to myself OMG; the toddler whisperer said NO interaction, NO emotion and NO glances…poker face people, poker face!  Well I am as subtle as a train wreck when I am stressed or pissed so how am I gonna handle this without exploding!!!???  I just rounded the corner, looked and made eye contact (oops, couldn’t help myself) then went into my room, and stood for a minute, STEAMING and then headed back downstairs.  They saw me, of course they saw me, are you kidding? These little suckers smell fear like a damn shark smells blood so they not only saw me, they knew I was pissed!  Why was I pissed?  Because they know they are winning and more importantly right now, WE know they have staying power to the MAX so there is a good chance they WILL win!  Oh no, oh hell no, these are children.  We are two college-educated professionals.  Hold it together, we are a united front, we are adults and we pay to live here. We need our house back, we want our house back.

I would like the thank the Academy 

Delusions aside, this is how it really went when they saw me!   My son quickly tells his sister, “WILL you PLEASE turn that light out, you are KEEPING me awake and I am TIRED of it”!  He glances over to where I am to make sure I am getting the full effect.  She reaches over and turns out the light.  He then screams, “HEY turn it back on, now I can’t see to get back to bed!”  Yes folks, he was standing up in mid jump from his bed to her bed when he made the first statement so when she turned out the light, he had to make his landing in the dark.  I thought to myself, yeah baby, busted now go to sleep.  Denial is such a safe place to be.  I got to the foot of the steps and heard, “ok, she is gone now and she didn’t even say anything to us now turn the light back on.” 

Damn those little curtain climbers…it’s going to be a long night!  I will be sure and pack some extra protein in their lunches tomorrow so their little asses stay awake cause you bet I am waking them up early early early!

The jumping, laughing and loud playing continued.  Daddy paid a visit upstairs perpetrating needing something from our room and back downstairs with no interaction.  Only making them think, ok brilliant mommy and daddy, I see you and raise you!  It is now 8:30 pm and realizing we are not coming up anymore and we are not talking to them, they make their 4 year old way downstairs and begin dancing around us and trying to get us to talk to them.  We look at each other while pushing back laughter and say, “Gee I am tired and I think I will go to bed, sounds like a great idea to me, lets go!”  So we get up, turn off the lights and TV; turn on the security alarm and head up to bed.  The twins ambled around in the dark, eventually following us upstairs.  They were confused but hung in there.  We went into our room, locked the door and then stared at it like a cow looking at a new gate!  Nothing, for a few minutes and THEN they started to scream and cry…”I AM MOVING TO TEXAS”  “THEY WON’T TALK TO ME”  “THEY DON’T LOVE US ANYMORE” “WHY ARE MOMMY AND DADDY ACTING LIKE THIS”  “CALL MY GRAMMY AND GAGA AND TELL THEM TO COME GET ME” You could cut the drama with dental floss!  I did not know whether to cry, fall on my sword or laugh, I mean these were serious Oscar nod performances.  The screaming eventually settled to a conversation, which made them sound like an old married couple.  Hilarious right up to the moment they got tired of lying down and wanted to screw with us again, they were determined to break us.  When they realized we were not talking to them they started roaming the halls, which led to BANGING on our door and laughing. Then they took it to the step of sneaking up on us (have you ever heard an elephant sneak?) then they started the one noise that still strikes fear and loathing in my black heart. 

They started the kill chant from Friday the 13^th.  Chh chh chh chhh  haa haa haa haa!  Where the hell did that come from, that there is some big gun shit!  Not only do we want to break her, we also want to drive her to a padded cell.  OK now its time to get involved like a mofo!  Make that noise stop it scares me!  So now I sound just like them so daddy has 3 basket cases on his hands.  Daddy springs into action because if momma aint sleepin well…neither is he.  I felt ridiculous; we were hold up on our beds like two prisoners sans blindfolds that have been high jacked by two little people sans AK-47’s.  Two little people that are not on the deed of trust, do not pay bills and at this stage of the game have only the rights we give them!  OK, he says, I am going in, this is ridiculous!  He stops the madness by gently walking them back to bed without saying a word and then leaving their room.  It stops and by all accounts we did ok but they win!  Why?  We had to engage, which means they got the result they wanted, they got a rise out of us.  Shit!  We failed the first night out of the gate!  Ok, fine I can live with that because like she said, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.   We look like two battle crazed Indians so we kiss each other good night, shake our heads and turn out the lights.  Guess what….. Nobody crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night and we all slept happily ever after. 

Trees and Apples

I am not a morning person.  Understatement yes but true and sometimes even I am amazed that I have made it out of the house without eating my children.  Wednesday morning my daughter decided she would cut a few teeth on me.

An organized and schedule oriented woman, I try to get as much done in the evenings so that the mornings will go as smoothly as possible.  Ultimately no adjective (the good ones anyway) I have used to define myself applies since I have had children.  No matter how detailed, proactive and organized I try to be, each and every morning is a crap shoot!  One minute, walk in the park and the next, category 5 hurricane, tsunami, typhoon and a tornado all wrapped up into the perfect size twins and ripping me, my nerves and my kitchen to shreds.  Out of nowhere one or both of my children have become Sybil and I do not recognize them.  Is 41/2 the new 13 and are we getting paid back for EVERYTHING we ever did all at once?   Anyway, we pack lunches and pick out clothes for the next day just prior to going to bed.  Outfits are looked over and given the 4 year old seal of approval.  My son says, “Mommy I will wear whatever you pick out for me as long as it doesn’t have pictures or writing on it, please DON'T make me wear that stuff!”  Those are terms I can certainly live with, thanks for the easy button moment.  My daughter is not this easy.  It is now clear to me that the only reason I pick out clothing the night before (she is given several outfits from which to choose) is to knock one thing off my list, therefore feeling that I have accomplished something, when in reality all I have accomplished is an exercise in futility.  4 out of 5 mornings she is going to pitch a fit about the very outfit she gave the thumbs up to 12 hours earlier.

Here is our morning

I am on day 3 of little to no sleep.  I wake them up and we go downstairs for breakfast.  My son (the happy, easy one who just likes to blend into the morning) begins to scream because he is pissed beyond repair that she is sitting in the seat he has deemed his.  He screams and cry’s until it becomes sniveling and heaving.  I begin to shake about 5 minutes in because his cry bears a striking resemblance to a whooping crane.  Maybe a tad bit more piercing and it dives into your ear drums like a hot needle.  Also because this is so out of character for him that I am never quite sure of how to take it when he goes ape shit in the morning.  He is just like his father, happy to be on the team and loving the fact that he woke up, sweetest child ever to hit this planet!  SHE looks at me with wide eyes of shock and says, “Mommy I will never treat you like that over a chair.”  I look at her and smile but say nothing because what I am thinking is well, maybe not a chair dear but you are going to treat me exactly the same over an outfit in about 5 4 3 2 1!. 

Sure enough, breakfast ends and its time to wrangle little bodies into clothes which is much like cramming 10 pounds of octopus into a 5 pound bag.  He dresses on his own and without incident but is still sniveling.  He has worked himself into an absolute mess but all signs point to a full recovery.  I on the other hand am shaking like a chihuahua and I still have the mother of all daughters left to dress.  I pull my big girl panties up, get on my battle gear and I am ready!  She now is refusing to wear the outfit.  I say, “Well then you can go to school naked.”  She looks at me and remembers a time when I tossed her into her car seat in her underwear, backed out of the garage and out of our driveway headed toward school.  We made it 2 blocks before she acquiesced and dressed.  Mommy 1, daughter goose egg..at least for the moment.  She puts on the outfit but stomped her feet and screams at me that she WILL NOT wear the socks!  We go back and forth for a few minutes and the screaming escalates.  I tell her that if she wants to wear the leopard shoes then she must either wear the pink or the green SOCKS OR she can wear her UGGS instead.  She throws a fit right there which gives me time to choke back tears, listen to the yelling to try and find a spot to interject, give up and go to her father to give him the play by play plus my outfit expectations, yes I still have expectations...she hasn't beaten me yet.  I also use this moment to exit stage left.  I gather my things and take myself downstairs and prepare to leave for work with that freaking “I argued like a defense attorney with my children this morning” lump in my throat! 

All of a sudden I realize I hear.....crickets....nothing from upstairs...the arguing has stopped.  This lets me know that she has worked a deal, it’s on the table and daddy is considering the terms.  I stand still waiting for my husband to call out for me, which he does almost immediately   “HONEY!”  I answer, “Yes dear.” Long pause while he thinks of how to display his query in the best of ways.

“Is it ok with you if she just wears the tennis shoes?”       again.....crickets....quiet!

 I shake my head but don’t say anything and by the time I have time to open my mouth to answer him, he is standing in front of me and looking right at me.  He says, “Did you hear me?”  I say, “of course I heard you, my hostage negotiation skills suck but my ears work just fine.”  He is looking me in the eye, tilts his head like a puppy and says, “well………..is it……..ok?”  I smile a smile of defeat! uncle! She got me, she did it through her daddy but she got me and she knows it because she has not come downstairs and she is....crickets.....quiet....silent! 

Pushing back tears because I am sad that we argued, I miss her when I am not with her, am amazed at and proud of the smart person this little girl is becoming and also because I realize she is the apple that didn’t fall far from the tree that is me.  She is like me in good ways and bad, weak and strong.  He asks me again, "WEEEELL, is it ok with you?" I answer, “I lost a battle I should never have waged but yes, it is fine.”  He asks me “Then why are you smiling?”  I think he already knows.  I look at him and say, “because she never gives out and she never gives in, she just changes her mind.”