Internet Café at the beach.
While
minding my own business at an Internet café, a man from New Jersey decides that
he and I are going to become fast friends. How do I know he was from Jersey you ask? Well it was the accent of course. This dude was wearing SO much jewelry, had tattoo’s on both calves, a Carolina
blue (not an actual color in the crayola box but it should be) shirt with
Carolina basketball info ALL over it.
It is a shirt that no one from here would wear, well I take that back, a
raging redneck would wear it. He
also had on an ACC baseball cap and some shorts that were to make me think he
had just jumped off the court (or out of Michael Jordan’s closet). He was ultra tan and had the
straightest, whitest teeth ever. I
know if the lights were out he would have glowed in the dark by his teeth. Oh, and the cologne, jeez! Again, that
stuff is supposed to be a signature, NOT a warning! Hell he could have been from anywhere based on the way he was dressed, but the accent was VERY Jersey.
I
am sitting down with my computer filling out job applications and he starts
asking me all sorts of questions.
I am not ugly to him but I was obviously not interested in his advances
or conversation. He says “What ya
drinkin?” I look up at him with my
look that say beat it! I tell him
I am drinking tea. He picks it up
and takes it to the counter for a refill.
Brings it back and sets it down and I say thank you. The chatter continues along with his
asking me to help him figure out how to set up his profile on
eharmony.com! I look at him and
say “really?” He says," yeah, I got
nothin on how to use this MAC to take a pictcha". I said, “Hmm, me either but I will be happy to call my
husband and ask him to come up here and help you, he luuuves his MAC.” He says, “Ah ya married, figya’s cause the good ones is always taken.”
Yet another pick up line from this jack off because there is no way he could figure
out from the ridiculous conversation he has been trying to have with me, that I
am “a good one.”
Anyway,
my tea is empty again so he takes it up to the counter and has it
refilled. This happens 4 times
total and each time I say thank you.
What can I say, my children are at the beach house, I am alone (well
kinda) and it’s hot as hell outside so I am drinking a lot of fluid! It is time to go take the kids to
Hammock’s beach which means I need to leave now to catch the Ferry. I start to pack up my things and head
out. He says, “You are
leaving?” I said “yes” He says, I
thought you southerners were suppose to be so hospitable and gracious?!?!” “ I have bought you 4 ice tea’s and all
you have said is thank you.” “It’s
only $4 but you have hardly even spoken to me and I am just trying to be nice, I just moved down hea.” Suddenly I am acutely aware of why he
is signing up for eharmony.com! Some smart Snookie (if there is such a creature) ran his ass clean out of Jersey! If I see her, I will be sure to thank her.
I
stood for a second and tried to decide if I should even comment, then I said,
“Well we are hospitable, you got served here and she smiled at you didn’t
she?” “She even said thank you and
so did I for that matter, 4 times!”
“I appreciate you being nice but I was not up here to make a friend, I
was up here to work and as far as you paying $4 to buy me ice tea, well THAT
just makes you somewhat of an uninformed sucker because in the south,
refills are FREE!” He just looks
at me and I turned and walked away.
I hate being bothered when I actually have a few hours of silence!
Back in Raleigh and trying
to buy a Suit.
I
am in Stein Mart back in Raleigh and in a dressing room trying on clothes,
which is no fun right now because I am 25 pounds over what I am used to
weighing. I know, cry me a river
right, I am still a fairly skinny bitch but anyway, weight is relative. I am naked except for my bra and thong
undies when I lady, a very OLD lady walks right into my dressing room with a
cup of Starbucks coffee. She says,
“scues me but will you hold my coffee?”
Stunned I say, “ok.” She
then says, “Now will you undo this skirt for me?” I look at here, then look outside the dressing room door to
make sure I am not being filmed, then say “sure” and hand her back her
coffee. I undo her skirt, it falls
to the floor, and she bends over and picks it up then says, “Thank you.” She turns and walks away and closes the
door behind her. I stand there
alone in my dressing room not quite sure what to do. I giggle, shake my head and continue to try on suits. Thank God, the one I had in there fits
so I rush to the counter, buy it and got the hell out of there.
In the parking lot trying to
go home.
I
walk to my car, get out my keys and press the unlock button on my remote
key. I hear the car doors
unlock. I reach down to open the
door and it will not open. I
unlock the doors from the remote key again and I hear it unlock. I try again to get into the car and the
door STILL won’t open. I look in
the back door, yep my car so I try THAT door. It won’t open either.
At this point, I am PISSED.
I have only had this damn car a couple of months, if there is an issue with
it already I am going to freak the f*%k out! I repeatedly press (kind of like a crazy woman) the remote
key and I hear the damn thing unlocking but the door is still not opening. Great, the locks are jammed! I kick the car, slam my hand into the
window and throw my keys on the ground!
I stomp my feet, kick the car again and continue to throw a redheaded
stepchild fit. I look around and
figure out that I am standing in between two Lexus’ that are EXACTLY
alike. Same color, model, interior
and both cars have nothing in any of the seats. I feel like a first class idiot at this point. I again, press my remote key and the
car unlocks. Instead of trying to
open the car to my right, I reach down and try to open the passenger side of
the car to my left. Imagine my
face
It looked something like this
when the car door opens on the first try. I look around, again to make sure I am not being
filmed. Sheepishly I place my new
suit in the back seat, walk around to the driver’s side of MY car, get in and
drive home.
On the way home- DAMN this
day!
I
see the cutest little golden doodle puppy being walked by his owner. I am in a neighborhood so I am driving
slowly. I am also thinking about
the weird shit that always happens to me.
I keep looking at the puppy, SO cute and I would love to have one. Not happening right now even though my
husband would LOVE one! My advice
to him, since we have everyone out of diapers and no room in our house for a
puppy is to get a damn girlfriend!
Just make sure she has a house of her own. As I look at the puppy some more I start to look at the
owner. He is your basic gangster type of guy. He is wearing really baggy clothing; a baseball cap turned
sideways and is sauntering like he has no place else to be. Since I have been starring at his puppy
I look up and smile at him and wave to him. He looks at me, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he
takes both his hands and shoots me the bird! WTF???
So
confused by my day and all the shit that has happened, I laugh, shake my head
and drive home. I pull into the
garage and vow to stay home the rest of the night! About an hour later I am cooking dinner and yelling into the
garage, “Dinner is in a few minutes, like 5 minutes and NO you may not paint
before dinner.” “PLEASE MOMMY, we
want to paint?” “NO, dinner is
almost ready, you can paint after dinner if there is time,”
20
minutes later, I open the garage door again and yell, “Exactly what part of
dinner is in 5 minutes did you people not get????” As I open the door, my daughter runs past me so fast I did
not know it was her. 5 minutes
later, my son comes in to wash up for dinner and screams, “OH MY GOD MOMMY COME
LOOK AT THIS” so I walk over to the stairs and I almost stroked OUT.
On
all 13 steps, the landing and into my daughters room (and in the bathroom but
that is tile so no big deal) are....
HOT PINK FOOTPRINTS
Yep you guessed it, she started painting before dinner. So glad to know I sound like Charlie
Brown’s teacher to my husband AND my children. Waa Waa Waa Wah Wah!
Not only had she started painting but she has spilled it then walked
through it as she decided to go to her room and dress up like a princess right
before dinner. I freaked in
silence because I was afraid to say anything for fear of sounding like mommie
dearest but I WAS having a serious no wire hanger’s moment! I turned and walked into the kitchen,
balled up my fists, opened my mouth and screamed in silence (like Billy Crystal
did in Forget Paris). My husband
walked in, saw the mess and sprung into action. All that was said was “honey, be mad at me, not them because
I was suppose to be watching them.”
I said, “Ok good dude, I am there!”
I
went to bed that night and contemplated even getting up the next day. But as Scarlett says, “fiddly dee,
tomorrow is another day.”
