One eye to eye

This one is going to get me in trouble with the man to which I am legally bound but what the hell, it happened and it was funny!  

So its 4am and I am sound asleep.  I am on my side, pillow between my legs, and hands under my cheek and I am sure I was even drooling.  I even remember what I was dreaming about but THAT I simply will not talk about because I actually have to look some of you in the eyes and dreams and thoughts are free right?  Anyway, its 4 am and I am sleeping, which is something I rarely do.  You know how you get the feeling someone is looking at you?  Well, you get that a lot when you have children and you learn not to be alarmed because they would rather stand there and stare at you until they scare the shit out of you when you open your eyes and see them, rather than gingerly wake you.  So, I open my eyes and there is a little boy, the boy child of mine, looking RIGHT at me.  I say son, its really late, err its really early so what can I do for you.  He says "mommy you are going to have to turn on the light for this one” I say ok and reach for the light.  As I am moving back over to the warm spot I left behind, I realize I am looking right at my son's unit.  That is what we call his..Well you know.  I mean it and me.... we are eye to eye, literally because it has one eye and that is all I could manage to open at 4 in the morning.  I said, "darlin, ( in the south we leave off the g.... its more endearing that way) what is the problem?"  He says in a whisper, "mommy, it won't go down and I need your help!"  I said, "well son, I don't think there is anything I can do to help, I think you are just going to have to wait it out and it will go back to sleep."  He says, " why do i have to wait it out mommy, IT woke me up."  I said, "yes darlin I know, they have a way of doing that and they also wake mommies up too!"  I lost myself there for a moment and rolled over to ask daddy what to do, since he has one, I figured he could shed some light on this little goody!  No help from daddy because that lucky son of a bitch is out of town, drooling peacefully on the pillow of a fancy hotel in New York City (probably suffering from the same problem, sans the toddler....a wee bit toooo personal, yeah maybe but if you are reading this...you aint new,  and he aint either and when your wife writes a blog.. nothing is sacred! you follow me?). Well that means that this is stacked right up there in the ~~weird shit that happens while daddy is out of town category~~ Hmmm that will be Toddler with a woody for 1000 Alex!  I mean I know what to do with my husband when its HIM that wakes me up like this at 4 am...but my son, I got nothin!  So I realize that I am the huckleberry that must rub this one off, so to speak...but CERTAINLY not literally!  I look again to see if anything has changed and not today, nope, nada, we are still kickstandin it right here in the master suite!  He is now standing with both hands on his hips, really irritated!  I say, "son why are your pants down?"  He says, "Because it hurts to pull them up!"  And I can imagine that it would, nuff said!  I ask him if he has been messing with it, because there is NO way in hell I can use the word playing and he says, "no, well maybe a little, but that didn't seem to help so I stopped, now I just want it to go down because I am sleepy."  I tell him to pull up his undies and crawl in bed with me and go back to sleep and if it is still like that in the morning we will call the Doctor.  He thinks that is a great idea.  So he gets in bed and I reach down to make sure his undies are all up and in place and before I can get my hand in the general direction of said erection..... He goes, 

"MOMMY STOP, I am afraid it will hurt you so don't go near it right now."  I suddenly hear Robin Williams voice in my head, from the movie Good Morning Vietnam... in his radio show where he says, "The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today, what is a protective dike?, is that a large woman standing by the river yelling...DON'T GO NEAR THERE DONT GO NEAR THERE!  I roll over and laugh until I cry and try to fake falling asleep.  He tells me not to be upset; it will be better in the morning.  "Don't worry mommy."  Then he pats me on the back, takes a deep breath and then, he is snoring!  I roll over and look at him.  He is flat on his back; both arms tucked under the back of his head, snoring like a grown man.  I let out a belly roll laugh and then hate the fact that my husband is not here to see this moment.  Ahhh the joys of raising children!  

A bit of a side note.  

We started noticing things like this when the boy child of ours was about 2 years old.  He seemed completely unaware of it but wanted to make sure it was all good.  We didn't worry but at our next visit to his pediatrician we asked the questions.  Our pediatrician, whom we dearly love looks at us and kind of laugh's under his breath.  He then says, "I am going to tell you guys this story because you are cool as hell AND you are great parents"  He says, "a couple of years ago, a mother brings her son to me because he is spending a lot of time alone and when he does, lets just say that he is not treating his little guy very well"  "He is pulling it, poking it, hitting it and so on."  He tells us that the boys mother looks up at him with a worried, embarrassed and concerned look and asks him if this is normal behavior and if he is going to grow out of it.  He says, "I looked at her and said, well Mrs_______ don't worry, it is a completely normal thing, it happens to all boys and as far as stopping it, well its a transient problem and it will go away in about........ 75 years."  He then says, "She didn't think it was funny so I haven't said that to anyone since!"  We thought it was hilarious and pretty much decided that he was to be our pediatrician forevah!

Ding Dong …… Oh my Lord, it’s the Jehovah Witnesses again. 

So I am sitting in my house today, minding my own business, drinking coffee and reading the New York Times (on my blackberry).  All of a sudden, ding dong.  I keep my seat because I am expecting no one and this in and of itself makes me a bit skeptical.  Ding Dong, yet again.  I turn my head and look out the window to my front porch and I get this yep, we see you, now get up and answer the door look from Laura Ingalls Wilder and her Paw standing on my front porch. 

They do not seem to care that I see them and have little inclination to get up and answer the door so I decide to screw with them a little bit.  I think about going to the door and loading them up with a little hmmm ……. Oh hi there, sure come on in, I would love to look at your little book.  It gets so lonely in here since I am on house arrest for a year cause I am just fresh out of a 30 year vacation in the cross bar hotel.  I sure like your dress there little lady,  I might just be willing to violate my parole for you!  I just might lock you up in MY Watchtower, want some Easter candy?    I know it’s the JW’s because of the way they are dressed. Lets just say that I have never seen the prairie line in any haberdashery.  Oddly though, I have seen JW’s at work (story on that to come later) and it appears that only the door-to-door variety is the ones dressed like this.  What’s up with that?  Not one of my 135 pairs of shoes would go with the Holly Hobby look, so there is one reason not to convert!  They are always very clean, neat and tidy and very nice, but I am still not going.  Anyway, I keep my seat and see if they will be obtrusive enough to ring the bell again.  You damn skippy, ding-dong.  I set my coffee down, turn and look out the door window again DAMN; it is Paw, putting me through ocular intrusion while standing on MY front porch.  I don’t know whether to be pissed or impressed because trust me, that takes balls!  King (dom hall) size balls!  I open the door with a really irritated look on my face (I have several of those and they have been known to make toddler’s and adults cry).  Laura is young (maybe 30) and Paw is, well a little long in the tooth.  It’s usually a younger man…about to hit 40 and a woman that is already changing gears to head down the other side of the menopause mountain (55 plus).  Not sure why the Kingdom is shakin things up on me here with this new breed of sales associates.  I open the door and the interchange goes like this:

Me:  Hi

JW’s:  Good morning, how are you today?

Me:  well thank you.   Odd uncomfortable silence

JW’s:  yadda yadda yadda (brief introduction and sales pitch) and would you mind if we left these pamphlets with you to read and we will come back next week to pick them up and answer any questions you may have?

Me:  Actually I do mind if you leave them, I have a faith and a church I am quite happy with and Jesus is my Lord and Savior.  Your services are not welcome here and there is no need for you or anyone from your organization to return next week or ever.  Thank you and do enjoy the rest of your day.

The JW’s step backwards down the stairs and begin to lay the pamphlets on my steps. She does not take her eyes off me while Paw bends down to do the dropping.  Now I’m pissed because I DO NOT stutter!  I am about to go all Happy Easter, Merry Christmas and by the way, for whom did you vote on these people! Instead I say in a stern, deep, don’t make me get my gun from behind the door; scotch drinkers voice “TAKE THE PAMPHLETS WITH YOU!!!”   WTF?  Why can they not figure out that they have been here before, I don’t want their propaganda, they are not wanted here AND why don’t they keep a damn do not knock list for the folks who are all stocked up!  I swear I would build a damn moat around my property if these people had not proven to be so steadfast that they would probably tunnel underneath the sucker to win me over! I have nothing against Jehovah Witness or any other religion but you don’t see me going door to door to tell people their religion is wrong and mine is right and if they don’t change they are dancing with destruction.  I mean damn, fair is fair and right is right around the corner, so get the hell off my porch!  My faith is right for me, has been all my life, aint changing, just growing stronger.  I’m a work in progress, like most folks I guess. Supposedly JW's salvation can leave them at any time, which is one of the reasons they are so ready to walk the walk and talk the talk door to door!  I thought it was no rest for the wicked; guess its no rest for the witness.  BUT I am still a bit scared of being the true bitch that I can be and saying all this, for a couple of reasons.  I am home alone, and they should have come last week (PMS). They may be nice and my vulnerability level may be somewhere between Patty Hearst and Granny Clampett but their belief system is rather cult like and that straight up scares the hell out of me! I use a Mac now so I am actually part of a cult.

Who Are They? 

A religious group known as Jehovah's Witnesses originated in Pennsylvania in the early 1800’s as a small group of followers of Charles Taze Russell. Today they are more than 6 million members strong and are spreading their gospel worldwide. These men and women, Jehovah’s Witnesses are known for their refusal to celebrate holidays, vote, salute the flag, and receive blood transfusions. (Always wondered why my doctor asked me while delivering my twins, if I would be willing to receive blood if I needed it to save my life…well no shit Sherlock of course I will.. you think I have gone thru this miserable shit to die???)  They are led by a large organization, headquartered in Brooklyn, New York, called the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Members of this religion freely spend hours per month - some as many as 90 hours or more - going door-to-door, handing out religious literature and conducting free in-home bible studies with prospective converts. (Gee THAT sounds safe doesn’t it) As dedicated and sincere as they are, unfortunately, many of their teachings are sharply opposed to the teachings of biblical Christianity. To look at some teachings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I will quote Watchtower magazines (the ones they tried to leave on my steps) and contrast them with the quotes from the Bible: (al beit loosely but as much from memory as possible for the ones that jump out at me.)

Watchtower: “The soul dies; it does not live on after death”

Jesus:  “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body for they cannot kill the soul”

Watchtower:  “…come to Jehovah’s organization for salvation”

Jesus:  “I am the way the truth and the life.  No one comes to the father except through me”

And lastly,

Watchtower:  “To get one’s name written in that book of life depend upon one’s works”?

Jesus:  “for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith you have the gift of God, not by works”

Don’t know about you and the above is just a snip it from two places but I think I will stick to what I know and have been taught my entire life, thank you very much.  I did make the mistake one time of asking what the deal is with all the stuff they cannot do.  I asked this because I got handed my own ass from a 5-year-old boy in a real estate office one day.  It was 7 days from December 25^th.  Kind of popular day to most 5-year-old children right?  Well not this little shit.  I asked him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas and he looked at me and YELLED.  “WE ARE JEHOVAH WITNESS AND WE DON’T BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS OR SANTA CLAUS!  WE DON’T CELEBRATE ANY HOLIDAY AND YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER BECAUSE ITS THE DEVILS WORK” Well alrighty then shut my mouth and shove a reindeer up my ass!  A little adult in the body of a child, a very serious child.  One that will not fair that well in school if he continues to answer questions like a little asshole.  He will likely be the uncool kid with the duck on his sweater that gets his ass beat just for general principle.  He knew as much about fun as I do about quantum physics! So I asked the next pair that visited my porch what in the world that diatribe was all about.  Here is more or less what I was told.  Jehovah Witnesses believe and are taught to have only one allegiance and that is to Jehovah God and his organization, the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.  They claim that they cannot compromise this loyalty by voting, singing a national anthem, or celebrating or observing holidays because it is perceived as being part of the devils world.  Damn can you say narrow focus?? How about isolation??? 

Hearing all of this just made me feel bizarre and like I needed to go wash my hands and although I may have paraphrased in a few places here for the sake of argument, I have not forgotten my conversation with those folks over the years, what they said or how it made me feel.  So going forward I have just answered the door and shared the dialog above way to many times and with every JW that pays me a visit.  I am hoping this new sign will make them turn on their heels and head for the street.  If not, I will come up with one that is a bit more direct.

The wreck and the rental

My husband wonders why I roll my eyes, rub my beads (nope not catholic), pull out my prayer mat (not Muslim either), and growl under my breath each time he says he has to leave town.  Well it is probably because every time he travels, we have some SNAFU go down in mommy town.  One time it was the burglar alarm system going on the fritz in the middle of the night, sending 7 police cars along with police officers donning Billy sticks and drawn weapons to my humble abode.  Well, THAT actually happened because I took an Ambien and went out in the garage naked for a coke thus setting off the alarm.  Seems that I hit the panic mode by accident and just caused all kinds of trouble.  I of course was none the wiser and no one else will be either until they invent a sleeping pill that will make you sleep, but not so deeply that a locomotive could tear through your house without your knowledge! 

Another time it was the twins crashing into each other, at top speed causing a major black eye for the girl and a nice goose egg for the boy.  A different trip it was the girl, who fell in the driveway, stood up looking like Carrie and ran towards me screaming.  Blood makes me weak so the first thing I do is turn around and puke.  She looks at me like, great! So THIS is the best you could do in the mommy department huh God, can I trade her in???   Yadda Yadda Yadda, and you get the picture.  Something f**ked up happens when he leaves town.

This time the mommy wagon took the hit.  Literally!  I knocked out several appointments, picked up the twins, went to the bank and headed out of town for the beach.  Not so fast!  Really, it’s a good thing too because I had a transplant from the wrong side of the Mason Dixon line in front of me, driving my own personal nightmare, a mini-van!  They gave signals, changed minds, changed lanes and at the last minute got out of mine, crossed two lanes of traffic and took a hard right into their freedom, they were gone!  I look up and of course, traffic is stopped and I have nowhere to go but into the ass end of the Honda in front me.  This pushed him into another Honda and him into another Honda all the while I am careening towards oncoming traffic, stopping a few short inches prior to it!  One twin starts crying while the other says “mommy why did you scream and then say shit?”  Guess which one this was? 

I turn in my seat and begin to try to talk the twins down.  I can see that they are not hurt (thank the Lord) and there is nothing else I can do until the police block traffic because I cannot get out of my side of the car without getting hit by an oncoming car in 5 0’clock traffic.  I look at all the drivers of the cars I just greeked or caused to get greeked and they look like a pack of wild Indians looking for someone to scalp.  Pissed, dazed and confused at best.  One dude in particular looks like he would rather have been shot.  He is rolling his eyes and shaking his head at me, like I did it all just for shits and giggles.  I understand that this situation is less than ideal but I am a bit inconvenienced here to you asshole! The other two drivers are instantly concerned that my children are ok, very nice of them.  Someone had obviously pulled them aside and taught them that the care and concern of others is mannerly and that asking are you ok will not cause them to get blamed for the accident.  Doesn’t take a mental genius here to see that all of it is my fault but a little concern from this booger-eating son of a bitch would have been nice.   

Police get there and all is going well.  They lean in to ask my children how they are feeling and my daughter says, “ I am FINE, can you hurry up please because we are going to the beach!”  My son says “GET ME OUT” Policeman looks at me and says, “You got a couple of live wires here don’t you?”  I say, “Welcome to my world Sir” EMS and wrecker service arrive and my son is just pissed at all the noise and my daughter is less than impressed because of all the lights and attention.  She tells me that all the noises and lights are just ridiculous and to many people are looking at her!  She says she is embarrassed and just wants to go to the beach.  If you want sympathy from THIS child??!!?!?!  You need to look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis because she DOES NOT roll that way!  She then asks the wrecker driver if he can step it up a bit and fix our car so we can go to the beach.  He says he will try.  She then tells him he better not leave without cleaning up all this mess.  Then says to me,  “mommy you have to help, because you made this mess.”  Yep, I feel like a big ole queen size jerk off right now!  Given the choice I think my daughter would side with the booger-eating son of a bitch right now than to side with me.  She is viewing this whole situation as a giant pain in the ass!  How can I be upset with this, she is cut from the same cloth as me, I am raising her and I am allergic to inconveniences, bullshit and drama so the apple that is her didn’t fall far from the tree.  My son is in the back wondering if I am ok and if our car will be ok and if any of the people looking at us are hurt.  He says, “mommy can I give you a hug, you look like you need one.”  I hug them both and they crawl back in their car seats and pick up Cinderella and Thomas the Train and begin reading until my parents arrive to sweep them from this event.  I envy that level of resiliency.  I also understand for the first time that the reaction of my children is a direct result of my action.  (This time it is working in my favor!!)  The twins, I realize are with me in this accident, not because it was ideal but because I am at my best when they are with me.   They have a job here to do and they are doing it!  They are touching my heart and keeping me grounded by being who they are.  The girl child is making me laugh!  She is sarcastic and funny with that amazing command of the obvious that makes you feel like a dumb ass, but also amazes you at her intelligence. I know that having her means our family will need an attorney in it.  We are just not sure if it will need to be an entertainment or criminal attorney! She is me in every situation.  The boy child is keeping me sane and calm by talking to me in his sweet, confident voice and keeping constant eye contact with me.  We are each other’s barometer.  He is upset but he is the antithesis of obtrusive, and is the rock that every mommy needs.  He is in fact what his father would be if he were here.  But NOOOOO that lucky bastard is in Chicago.  Love you darlin!  Mean it, really I do! 

Incident is cleaned up, victims are appeased with insurance information and we leave the scene of the crime and retreat to my parents house for the weekend for some much needed TLC and adult beverages, not to mention some serious doses of that really inquisitive primate, Curious George!  Right now I would have sex with the man in the yellow hat and Huntley the dog just to have my husband here to take care of all this SHIT so I don’t have to.  I mean damn when do I get to be the one with the good luck or that gets to cry about how bad my luck always is????

The 4 man Petri dish

The rental car is a Dodge Caliber.  WTF? who names these things?  Ford focus, what is the focus? To be a bigger safer car when it grows up?  Chevy Aspire, Aspiring to not be a piece of shit?  The smart car? Smart on gas mileage maybe, but not if you get hit by a pissed off old lady on a bicycle.  You can’t drive that thing if the wind blows enough to move a flag.  Enough said.  Lets say the Dodge Caliber…is not the caliber of car any highbrow would be happy to be seen in.  But no one is going to SEE me in it because A.)  Being inside this damn thing is like being inside a Pringles can, its like it was built for midgets. I feel like Alice after falling down the rabbit hole.  B.) I am going to make my husband drive it.  It is so slow it should have a basket on the front grill.  It looks like a suppository and sounds like a bumblebee.  It also smells like it did a hard stint at a whorehouse and was then run through the drive thru of McDonalds and rubbed down with a few hundred filet of fish sandwiches.  The steering wheel is sticky even after I have scrubbed it 5 times and even used Clorox.  The seats feel like a maxi pad feels after you pull the adhesive tape off the bottom and sick it to a pair of pants.  It aint moving or allowing for any comfort or give and take!  The cup holders are sticky with some dull, cloudy substance that looks as if two nasty dudes sat in the back seat and aimed their manhood at it then fired away.  Note:  also see the filet of fish remark to imagine the smell again.  Getting up to 45 mph in this thing feels and sounds like it is about to take off and land on the stamen of the closest flower.  And to make it worse or the worst, the twins call it a van!  I think they do this just to piss me off.  The girl is not impressed and says it smells poopy and the boy who is unaffected by anything and will make the best out of everything just says its kinda cool but he really wants our car back.  When I rented this little goody the rental car pusher tried for the first few minutes to make me feel pretty good about it.  I told him to cut the crap, he wouldn’t be thrilled about driving it either and if he would zip it and stop going all peter pan on me, I would take it and have it detailed myself.  He said, “really?”  I said, “Yes but please, for god sake hose down the steering wheel and the gear shift because I have the immune system of a cancer patient and the last thing I need is another illness challenge!”  He said, “deal!”   After seeing it and asking if there was another car available he shows me one other option but tells me he can’t rent it to me BECAUSE IT HAS BUGS and the only other option is a Prius which is due back any moment.   I ask what kind of bugs and he says you don’t want to know.  Remembering the head crabs we just got over I agree.  I think about waiting for the Prius but am tired so I decide not to give a shit about my carbon footprint, I take the Dodge suppository and head for home.  The next morning I discover that my husband (who is now back in town) has put the car seats into the dodge while I was unavailable for consultation.  Yes, he was successfully able to DODGE driving this rice rocket!  Damn him.    
 Score- daddy 1, mommy 0

I drive onto campus where the minimum household income is so f**king high that I won’t even insult it with a number here and the average car is a suburban.  I think, no problem I can fly under the radar in this little dodge POS right?  NOPE because I am spotted, the husband waves, and people know we had a wreck so I am forced to wave no less than 5 times!  I turn and skid perfectly into my parking place and my son says, “wow mommy how did you do that so well?”  Bless his innocent, little heart, he has no idea that it was because this little Fred Flintstone f**ker is so small HE could turn in on a dime and that it is so slow it may as well run on batteries.  We all get out and are walking away from it and they tell me, “Mommy, WE want to walk up ALONE, WITHOUT you.  “You stay here, with the van OK?”

What is a fart?  The cry of an imprisoned turd.

therefore

NEVER trust a fart!

So my children ate something today that made them both nasty!  I am not sure what this was since I pack their lunch’s everyday and today was your basic run of the mill lunch.  Fruit, yogurt and steamed veggies with a juice box.  When it comes to eating, my children are indeed Stepford!  The odd thing is that the boy child rarely farts, so a fart or twelve from him today struck me as strange.  The gassy ones in this little castle seem to be of the female persuasion.  I thought I was bad, but my daughter can actually fart on command.  God I love her!  The men do it; they are just not as overt about it as we are.  But they are nonetheless proud of them when they do come out.  Why is it that people are so mortified of the fart?  I am old, salty and a lady when society makes me be one but I think farts are hilarious!  Few things make me giggle like a 5 year old but even in the most horrible of moods, or the sickness of biblical proportions a fart will make me giggle.  I am told by allot of people that they think farts are funny.  But some of these people also say they NEVER fart?!?!?  I bet these are the people that also SAY they don't masturbate either.  I gotta call bullshit on that one!  We all fart and most of our farts stink.  If this is news to you.... climb out from under your rock, have a seat, think about it, giggle, then accept it.  It is what it is, a build up of intestinal gas from the anus- often considered vulgar.  I am most likely not going to befriend (face book or otherwise) the person that snubs their nose at or believes that farting is vulgar.  This person is probably about as much fun as a raging yeast infection, with the sense of humor that rivals toe jam!  Don’t get me wrong, I don't go through parties, malls, DMV (well maybe DMV smells like shit in there anyway) grocery stores, church or other places farting.  I am like anyone else; I hold them in until no one else is around.  But when I am home, no reason to cook those suckers up so we let um fly!  It is hard for me to believe that married people do not fart in front of each other.  I have male friends that fart in front of me but will not fart in front of their wives.  I do not get this.  I know I make people feel comfortable and am often one of the guys, I may even, at times be a bit vulgar...I am ok with this...my girlfriends fart tooo!  So I asked one of my male friends, "So you have kids with this woman, you have done things to each other while naked that you would put yourself in front of a firing squad before you let ANYONE see and you have taken care of each other when you are sick, but you do not fart in front of each other"??????  I got a blank look and a sharp NO!  "Come on, you never give her a dutch oven?" to which he replied, "oh hell no, she would divorce me"  I say Divorce her first, move on to someone who will pull your finger.  I suspect most of it is not that the woman refuses to fart in front of the man but that the man would never be able to look at her the same if she did.   Again, I do not get this...farting is not illegal anywhere that I am aware of but oral sex is illegal in several States and if you frown upon that, people will throw rocks at you!  Double standards man!  

Anyway, I digress.  So my son farted tonight and I swear it would have knocked a buzzard off a gut truck!  I ask him if he felt ok or if his tummy hurt and he just said, "nope, just a poot” well son, I thought, that was NOT a poot!  I am completely fluent in fart and you just farted!  It came time to go to bed and we were changing into our pajama’s (pronounced pajomma's like in momma’s not pajaaaaama's...we are southern) I started reading a book to the girl child because she got ready faster.  The boy child was not quite finished but jumped into my lap anyway.  Took me two more farts to figure out that he was naked.  Not nekid we in the south know that naked is ok but nekid is buck ass nude and up to something.  He was not up to anything.  I said, "son why are you naked?"  He said, "because you started reading and I did not want to miss anything” I said, " I will wait if you want to go get your undies on"  " No thanks mommy, I am good, I will get them when you are finished” I said ok and continued to read.  He continued to fart.  A good one slipped out and the girl child noticed straight away that it was so stellar that it smelled like one of mine.  When I told her it was not mine, she looked at her brother and said, "Do you feel ok?"  He said, "yes, read mommy” I continued to read with the aroma of boy farts floating through the air.  

We finished the book, said our prayers while in the big chair and the girl child split for her room.  The boy child reached up hugged me SO hard, grunted, face got red and he farted like a grown man after a chili cook-off.  My hand was on his rear end (like it sometimes is when you hold a child...means nothing its just the geographical position of your hand and keeps you from dropping them) All of a sudden a little bullet, nugget, a hard little rabbit turd landed in my hand. Came out just like a gumball that I had paid a quarter for!  He said, "What was that?” I said, "What do you think it was?"  With eyes wide, but speaking in a very soft whisper he said, "Are you happy at me mommy?"  I, holding back laughter for fear of embarrassing this very sensitive boy said, "son I am very happy at you but you can never trust a fart."  We smiled at each other even though he had no idea what that meant but he knew I did AND he knew it was funny.  Then he let out the biggest laugh I have heard from him in a while, which made him fart again.  He stopped, looked at me and said, "Did anything come out that time???"  With tears streaming down my face, laughing so hard I could barely speak I said, "nope were all good little man” he goes..."well, maybe you really can trust a fart mommy...are you gonna hold that poop much longer?"

The rest of the night went as they normally do.  Go to bed guys, ok but mommy I need some water, me too; can I have the same amount of water he got?  I need another kiss, I'm still thirsty, mommy can you snuggle with me, I love you to the moon and back, moooommmy, she is out of bed again, I am going to the potty mommy. Then all of a sudden the noise stops and there is silence from the second floor.  I then begin my nightly vigil, the one that I have come I love and cannot imagine my life without.  It is the one that makes me wonder how people divorce and are able to survive when they have to share children in two separate houses. I cannot imagine not having them in my house at all times but I know one day they will grow up and move on and I will embrace this bitter sweetly.  But for now, I go upstairs and sneak into rooms, steal kisses, pull back covers to look at the amazing little feet and hands of the bodies that are so sweetly slumbering away.  I tell them I love them, and sometimes they answer through sleep, I love you too mommy.  I do this at least 5 times a night.  I do this because these are the moments that make up a day, a life and the moments that I realize how lucky I am that God chose me to raise these little angels. I realize the world is far from perfect, I realize that I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes and I am not always good and do not always get what I want. I snap, jump and fly off the handle.  I do not often come down on the side of what is right, but most of the time I do.  But right here, in my house is perfection, because they are the most perfect things I have ever done and whatever I am, am not or will never be, I look at them and it is enough!

Don’t bring home dinner mommy we are coming home with crabs.

Head lice that is, itchy heads, strip the beds.

So today started off well. Good moods all around, even me! Took the twins to school, survived the ____________ mothers that poorly maneuver the school parking lot. Dale Earnhardt didn’t design it or build it ladies and besides, children walk through here…could you please slow the hell down? Back home, I was knee deep into my new book and my second cup of coffee. The sweet and wonderful man that I am legally bound to for better or worse, in sickness and in head lice called and threw the mother of all turds into my punchbowl! “Honey, I kinda have some bad news, well not really bad, its kinda bad but its all ok but………….(spit it out mother f**ker I am aging as we speak here) Um, you are going to have to come get the kids because their whole class has come down with head lice.” ………………….”Hello” Yeah, I say, I’m here. My first thought was well if the whole class has it then why the hell can’t they stay there with it? I think I actually asked him that. He then says “ Well not the whole class but a lot of it anyway can you come get the twins and hurry? My gut was telling me to say. Hell no honey you keep um, this one is flying out of the coo coo’s nest. I have had enough with the contraction of this sickness and that illness and I just don’t have one more incubation period left in me!

I leave the house JUST as it starts to rain. Great, now I am going to have to walk lice infested children through the rain, hitting every yellow puddle, getting soaking wet, then into my car. I go to the drug store first because I certainly did not want to walk lice infested children around a drug store full of candy not to mention sick tickets that hang back there near the blood pressure machine (you will meet sick ticket extraordinaire further down). Cutting through my neighborhood, I pass the same damn gaggle of geese, of which I have already hit and killed 3. My car is the place they go to die but this time I only wounded the sucker. There is always the trip home right? I hate them, they stink, they bite, they have shifty little useless sideway’s eyes and they shit all over EVERYTHING. They are always there, do nothing but make a mess and waddle around getting hit by cars, namely mine. Are these things why Canada has a bad name? I have no issues with Canada but these geese = issues! I go into the drug store and ask a druggist what I need for TWINS with head lice. She has a Speech impediment so I can barely make out what she says but it went something like…”two of everything”! I look at her to see if she is serious or thinks that is funny. She thought it was funny! Twin jokes, How freakin original there Gomer Pyle! Really, two of everything? For twins? Never heard that before you half wit….how bout…slow down harelip, Ever heard that before, know who Elmer Fudd is? Got marbles in your mouth? I have a ton of um bitch so tell me where the lice spray is before I really piss on your day! She takes me to the section, offers me no help but tells me to read the box and see which one I like. I tell her “I do not LIKE any of them, I NEED them”. “You are the professional YOU read and me which one I should get, it’s called your job now do it!” She quickly realizes people carry guns so she helps me and I am on my way to the counter.

Enter the sick ticket. He is at the counter stumbling around complaining about how expensive his lithium has become. Three of us hear this and 2 back up slowly. Not me, I have him by head lice and a bad attitude, I aint scared. I look him up and down. He is filthy, tweaked out and he stinks, so I sure hope he is crazy. He has on no shoes; two black eyes, and is wearing an ankle cuff. Side note: the cop standing beside him must have been WITH him. He continues to complain about his medicine then asks the clerk for a cup of coffee. One of the clerks behind the counter mumbles, “Does he think this is McDonalds?” I start to giggle and sick ticket tries to talk to me so I start to type on my blackberry. He leaves; I pay and head to the crab shack to pick up my little Petri dishes.

We are home and I am trying to bathe twins that have a more raging case of head lice than a whorehouse has of crabs! I feel like mommy of the year for having missed them this morning. I mean these things are as obvious as an elephant sitting in your living room. I decide to wash the girl child first. She strips naked and jumps in the tub. I slather her head with step 1 of the lice abatement kit, and then read that it has to sit ON HER HEAD for 10 minutes…I am like in dog years or what? She of course manages to somehow get it into her eyes so I have to hold her down to clean out her eyes, AND THEN convince her that I have to rinse her to get the rest out. She screams “NO MORE WATER” much like Joan Crawford did in mommy dearest about the hangers. Step 2, the gel and comb out step (I tip the box upside down to see if there is a bonus valium in there)…I am just to out of energy to even write about this step but it took almost 2 hours and I am now prone to think my daughter has anger management issues. Given the choice, next time I would rather sandpaper a lion’s ass than rid her of lice! People going through water boarding take it better than she took this. Time to do the boy child. He was so traumatized by her experience that he decided to sit still so it would end quickly. It did however, he was so pissed that he had to come home early AND have his hair washed that he did little things, little passive aggressive things to make me well aware. Lets see, where to begin. He made me chase him to get him in the tub, I slipped in water and fell and he laughed, he pissed in one of their pretend kitchen cups and waited for me to find it (after setting it up on the counter like one of the regular cups) he pulled every towel out of the linen closet and threw it down the stairs. (I think he wanted me to bust my ass) Ran away from me in K-mart while I was buying new pillows, flicked a bugger at me (has never done that, didn’t know he knew how), came in for what I thought was a kiss and bit the shit out of my lip. Visited my bedroom, rummaged through drawers and for good measure crammed a lot of toilet paper into my toilet then rubbed it down with toothpaste. Shank’d his sister with a pretend knife 3 or 4 times. Finally and my personal favorite (although not passive aggressive at all), he walked up to me and said “mommy, I am so angry at you that I don’t know how to explain it to you” “you have bothered me all day and I am really tired of listening to all the things you are saying” “But mommy, no matter how mad I am at you, I still love you and I will always love you, because you are the best mommy that has ever come in this house”! That comment, 4 Cadbury eggs and a big glass of milk, I would say still finished out the day as stellar! All in a days work!